Overdid It

Tomorrow I am 34 weeks and today I am officially DONE. I overdid it this weekend and paid the price but it’s just extremely frustrating because “overdoing it” is not even what I’d consider a crazy day in my pre-pregnancy life. I went to the mall – sounds simple enough. But driving there (about 25-30 minutes), finding parking, walking in, walking around, standing on line, trying on clothes (I needed a dress for Christmas eve – my yoga pants and maternity jeans won’t cut it!), more walking, dealing with crowds…it was exhausting. I realized at one point, walking through Macy’s, that a young woman was trying to get past me. I moved over and she buzzed on by with her independent, unpregnant self. I thought, “That’s usually me!” I’m usually the girl there alone, zipping in and out of stores, weaving in and out of the slow people, getting things done in record time. On Saturday, at that moment, I thought, “If I were on fire, I couldn’t move any faster than I am right now.” Quite depressing. I then tackled Target (for some last minute hospital bag necessities like nursing bras and tanks and a bathrobe as well as some small Christmas gifts). Let me tell you, I have only been to Target once before in my life and I wished (wished really hard) that I had had more energy left – what a great store! Too bad I was exhausted and could barely get the things on my list. I actually walked out to my car, put all of my bags in and then had to go back into the store when I realized I had to pee. Again. And I’d never make it home! So I treated myself to a Starbucks (I know, I’m a terrible mom – I had some real caffeine) on the way out and literally moaned with pleasure at the first sip in my car.

I had to take my shoes off in the car because my feet were swollen (only second time that has happened so far) and I then went to my aunt’s house in case I went into labor. Not kidding. It was the first time I felt that…drained. And awful. I was nervous that I did too much. But, alas, Baby was fine and very cooperative. Maybe she’ll/he’ll (she’ll) like shopping like her mom :)

My nephews and niece were away this weekend with my parents – they went to the North Pole! (Well, the one in Lincoln, New Hampshire). I hated that they were gone (hated it) and I was beyond thrilled when they came home Sunday night. I cooked dinner and had it waiting for everyone at my sister’s house. I just couldn’t wait to hold them and hug them and love them up (especially because of the Newtown incident on Friday – I was crying randomly all weekend). They were full of stories about the train ride, the scarf from Santa, all of the “real elves!” they got to see – such excitement and such…joy. And belief. Children are amazing. They are hard, hard work and can be spoiled and actually quite terrible at times, but still – amazing.

As of today, I am completely done with my Christmas shopping. (Pat on the back although this is over a month later than my usual). Picked up some last minute gifts last night – gift certificate to Pasta Pasta in Port Jefferson Station – yum! And some shirts from Marshalls for my younger sister. So I am done. Most of my gifts are even wrapped too – just the last minute things (and two more coming in the mail this week) to wrap. I think I can, I think I can….

43 (quick) days to go!!!

Broken Hearted

As a former elementary school teacher, as a mother-to-be, and as a human being today is a sad, sad today. A classroom full of kindergarteners was shot to death in their “safe haven” at school. Nothing is sacred anymore – nothing. My heart is literally broken in two. What happened and how I feel about it is all beyond words. There are just no words.

God bless every single teacher and adult who comforted a child during that horrifying time. God bless those innocent, trusting little souls who hopefully did not even have time to be scared. And God bless that entire community. How the anger does not outweigh everything else is beyond me. A teacher who hid her class in a single bathroom and saved all of their lives said that she “didn’t know if it was right, you know, for a teacher” to tell her students that she loved them each very, very much. But she told them. And I don’t think there is anything more right.

I keep thinking, “I wish I had been in that school.” And I know that is not a completely rational thought. But I would have wanted to be there, to be that comfort, to be the protector of those precious little children who are left in a teacher’s care all day, every day. I would have done what I could for my students without even blinking an eye. And I guarantee every single teacher in that building did the same today. My heart is broken in two.

47 days to go…

Sneak Peek!

I’m still smiling from last night. I think the Baby Gods knew that I needed a peek at my baby yesterday. He/she (she) LOOKS like a REAL baby now! (I know, that probably sounds terrible, as if it hasn’t. But…it hasn’t!!! It looked like a lima bean, then a skeleton, then an alien. But now, he/she (she) looks like a BABY!!)

Speaking of babies….I’m a huge one when it comes to doctors. My entire life, I have passed out when I go to the doctor (dentist, pediatrician, physician, gynecologist, you name it). This pregnancy has toughened me up a bit, which I would have bet against seven months ago. But it’s amazing what you do when you have to do it. I’m still, however, not 100% “normal” about going. Even last night I was nervous – my stomach was in knots and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom (another physical reaction my body has to stress). I didn’t know how long the sonogram would be and what exactly the monitoring would be like and so I was stressed. My mom met me there which was good because she serves as a distraction while I wait. I despise waiting – it gives my mind time to completely freak out my body. I hate it. Anyway – the sonogram was awesome. I got to see Baby with its finger in its mouth, holding its foot in its mouth with its hand (!!intelligent, right??) and moving all around. We saw the hair on the back of the head already (quite the shock as I didn’t have hair until I was almost four! My mom taped bows onto my head!). It was great. The face has filled out and it looks like…my baby!!! Oh, and everything they checked for last night was perfect: my fluid levels, the umbilical cord, the blood flow, etc… Of course, that’s the most important stuff but the cutest and most exciting stuff was seeing the baby (and getting more pictures to take home)!

After the sonogram, they weighed me. Again. Ugh. I weighed 133 lbs which, I think, was the same as last time. Maybe I’m deluding myself. But either way, it’s a neat 25 lb weight gain since the pregnancy. If it doesn’t go up much more, I’ll be content with that. Blood pressure was great. Then, time for the monitoring. I sat on the exam table with two pillows propped up behind me. They found the baby’s heart (from the sonographer) and put a round monitoring piece on it and strapped it to me (with that gucky sonogram gel underneath it) to measure the baby’s heartbeat. Then they strapped another monitoring piece where the top of my uterus is to measure my contractions. Here’s the best part: the nurse then hands me this little buzzer and says, “Press this every time the baby moves.” I looked at her like she couldn’t be serious. “Every time?” “Yes, every time. I will be back in five minutes (LIE: a minimum of 15 minutes) to check on you.” My baby moves every second. Especially at night. I am not exaggerating. It’s a gymnast in there. It kicks and jabs and flips and tumbles and rolls. I was pushing that button every three seconds – and the machine would beep. I told my mom I am going to get one of those buzzers from the game Taboo and I’m going to do this at home. I’m going to press it and buzz every time the baby moves so no one else in my life can ignore it!! I certainly can’t! I finally told my mother that I was pressing it every other time because it was getting ridiculous. I had pressed it over 40 times in less than 5 minutes. Seriously. I guess other baby’s don’t move as much???

Turns out that everything there was perfect too – “perfect readout” the nurse practitioner told me. Good contractions (I knew that was what I was feeling!), good heartrate, and great movement (great for them, not for the inside of my uterus). My liver enzyme number went from a 12 to a 13. I said, “Shit! It went up!” but the NP said, “I consider 12 and 13 to be the same level with this. It’s just fine.” That made me feel better. I will continue to go for these weekly sonograms and NSTs and we will keep a close eye on Baby. I go for more blood work in three weeks to check on my number again (think LOW) and hopefully I can sneak by, week by week, until this baby comes naturally and I won’t need to be induced! Fingers and toes crossed!

I was smiling when I left, when I went to Michele and Jay’s to show them the pictures, when I got home and even now, today. I am getting really excited. So…I know I promised more updates about F, but no negativity or stress today. Only happy, real-baby-looking thoughts today. I’m going to be a mom soon!

48 days to go!!!

(Yawn)

Exhausted. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m back to not sleeping well – not falling asleep easily and then not remaining asleep. And F came over last night (last week we did not meet up). I know it’s terrible but I can’t even rehash it all. He left and I was sitting here so…baffled. Confused. I just don’t understand him. I wish I did. We are two totally different people on two totally different pages (of different books). We attempted to cover the following topics: possible boy name, my relationship with his mother, visitation, our relationship (which has been non-existent for months and which always and still includes our break-up), health insurance and (drum roll please…..) finances.

The last one was probably the one that exhausted me. I feel it’s the first thing I have “asked” for, if you will, and it was not received well. (Although visitation was the second thing he managed to bring up). Not only did F think the baby “won’t cost anything” for at least the first two months, but he genuinely seemed shocked when I told him this pregnancy has not been free! I explained to him, although this has all been brought up in past conversations (numerous times), my deductible, my co-payments, my expenses for food, clothing, vitamins and all of the other incidentals that come along with carrying a baby for 40 weeks. (Didn't even bother to mention my decrease in salary because I am able to work fewer hours). He said it never even crossed his mind and he felt “like shit” about that. However, that was not followed up with an offer for…anything. Sigh.

I then explained that my idyllic plan six months ago had changed and I no longer feel it will be appropriate to re-evaluate child support every six months. I don’t want it to be an ongoing source of tension – I think it should be a matter of business that we deal with now and it just is. We agree on an amount and every two weeks, that is what comes in. Period. Needless to say, without even discussing a number, F did not agree. He thinks we need to wait and see what our actual expenses are, then compare what I spent to what he spent and meet somewhere in the middle. He does not agree with, nor even want to acknowledge the existence of, New York state laws regarding child support. Because I said I would like to stay out of court, F interpreted that to mean we are re-inventing the wheel and we cannot even look to what the state would hold him to. I disagree. I was, and am, willing to compromise on the amount but he feels that certain things have no bearing on my raising a baby. “Your mortgage doesn’t change just because of the baby. And yes, your utilities will go up, but so will mine.” (Although in essence, that is not true, since he is keeping the baby at his parents’ house when he has him/her (her).) I said, “Well you don’t just get to choose how it works and we’ve established that you are clearly not aware of all of the financial implications of a baby.” I don’t think he was very happy with me but I can’t let that bother me. I explained that I can’t deny all visitation and make up my own rules simply because I think the state laws are “stupid.” Nor can he do the same with child support. I asked him to go home, go through his finances, and come back to me with a number that we can work with. We shall see what that brings. Again, two pages. Two books. He left and I was just…exhausted.

So I promise to get into more detail about some of the other topics, but forgive me, I just don’t have it in me right now. Plus, this little gremlin (or gremlette) is demanding that I eat something. Five minutes ago. Okay Baby….food is a comin’! Tonight is my first weekly sonogram and NST (non-stress test) so I will let you know how that goes (so excited to get another peek into Baby’s home)!!!

49 days to go!!!

Overwhelmed

I will admit it. This momma-to-be is overwhelmed. It happens rarely (well, it may happen more frequently than I’d like but it typically doesn’t slow me down and I can ignore it and move past it. This time? Not so much). My head is swimming with finances, health insurance, issues with F, my health and the baby’s health, work and what I am going to do when I cannot put in the hours I am used to. Forget about the holidays and the fact that everyday tasks (laundry, dishes, shopping) are getting more and more physically difficult for me. The lack of sleep is probably not helping this equation. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not at my breaking point just yet. But I’m getting there (hence, the lapse in my entries for the past week).

Better news on the cholistasis front however. When I spoke with the doctor I primarily see, Dr. Erhart, he explained that my numbers are only slightly elevated and therefore not a huge concern right at the moment. We don’t have to schedule any induction dates or anything just yet. I went for new blood work and should get those results tomorrow night at my appointment. Fingers crossed for low numbers (thinking around a 10 would be great although I really have no idea what that number represents). He is very calming and for that I am grateful! I could use some calm in my life!

As Christmas approaches, my belly continues to grow, my heartburn continues to increase in intensity and my baby’s arrival gets closer!

50 days to go!!!

Decorated!!!

Decorated! Tree up! Christmas cookies baked (well at least two different kinds so far: spritz cookies and saltine cookies. More to come)! Not bad for a cranky pregnant lady – and I cooked Sunday dinner yesterday for the fam. My feet were swollen for the first time last night – I felt like a real-live pregnant person. Now that’s one classic symptom I hadn’t had yet (I feel like I have had everything else, classic or not).

I worked a lot over the weekend as well since last week was so slow. I need those hours up – this baby is expensive! Same for today – a boring, work day with nothing else planned. But that’s ok because I am working and looking at my Charlie Brown Christmas tree which Justin carried for me and Adam and Jared helped decorate. I also adore my Pinterest mason jars (yes, I actually made them). They are simple and beautiful (if I do say so myself).

No developments on the baby front other than my impending appointment with Dr. Erhart on Thursday morning. I’m anxious to ask him questions and see what he says about this cholistasis nonsense. Until then, I am absorbing all my baby kicks (of which there are a TON all day long) and counting down til I can meet this little angel. F and I are supposed to get together Thursday night after the doctor so that we can “discuss baby things.” He called and asked for the time after our last talk. No comment. (Until Friday morning. Then I’ll fill you in.)

Going on my BabyBump app all of the time now. I am in the January 2013 group and it’s scary and exciting to read posts from so many women who are due next month having their babies early, going into labor and delivery every day, and scheduling inductions and C-sections. It is really going to happen. Next month. I almost don’t believe it.

Back to work for me. With some spritz cookies to help ease the pain ;)

58 days to go!!! (possibly 37?!)