(Yawn)

Exhausted. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m back to not sleeping well – not falling asleep easily and then not remaining asleep. And F came over last night (last week we did not meet up). I know it’s terrible but I can’t even rehash it all. He left and I was sitting here so…baffled. Confused. I just don’t understand him. I wish I did. We are two totally different people on two totally different pages (of different books). We attempted to cover the following topics: possible boy name, my relationship with his mother, visitation, our relationship (which has been non-existent for months and which always and still includes our break-up), health insurance and (drum roll please…..) finances.

The last one was probably the one that exhausted me. I feel it’s the first thing I have “asked” for, if you will, and it was not received well. (Although visitation was the second thing he managed to bring up). Not only did F think the baby “won’t cost anything” for at least the first two months, but he genuinely seemed shocked when I told him this pregnancy has not been free! I explained to him, although this has all been brought up in past conversations (numerous times), my deductible, my co-payments, my expenses for food, clothing, vitamins and all of the other incidentals that come along with carrying a baby for 40 weeks. (Didn't even bother to mention my decrease in salary because I am able to work fewer hours). He said it never even crossed his mind and he felt “like shit” about that. However, that was not followed up with an offer for…anything. Sigh.

I then explained that my idyllic plan six months ago had changed and I no longer feel it will be appropriate to re-evaluate child support every six months. I don’t want it to be an ongoing source of tension – I think it should be a matter of business that we deal with now and it just is. We agree on an amount and every two weeks, that is what comes in. Period. Needless to say, without even discussing a number, F did not agree. He thinks we need to wait and see what our actual expenses are, then compare what I spent to what he spent and meet somewhere in the middle. He does not agree with, nor even want to acknowledge the existence of, New York state laws regarding child support. Because I said I would like to stay out of court, F interpreted that to mean we are re-inventing the wheel and we cannot even look to what the state would hold him to. I disagree. I was, and am, willing to compromise on the amount but he feels that certain things have no bearing on my raising a baby. “Your mortgage doesn’t change just because of the baby. And yes, your utilities will go up, but so will mine.” (Although in essence, that is not true, since he is keeping the baby at his parents’ house when he has him/her (her).) I said, “Well you don’t just get to choose how it works and we’ve established that you are clearly not aware of all of the financial implications of a baby.” I don’t think he was very happy with me but I can’t let that bother me. I explained that I can’t deny all visitation and make up my own rules simply because I think the state laws are “stupid.” Nor can he do the same with child support. I asked him to go home, go through his finances, and come back to me with a number that we can work with. We shall see what that brings. Again, two pages. Two books. He left and I was just…exhausted.

So I promise to get into more detail about some of the other topics, but forgive me, I just don’t have it in me right now. Plus, this little gremlin (or gremlette) is demanding that I eat something. Five minutes ago. Okay Baby….food is a comin’! Tonight is my first weekly sonogram and NST (non-stress test) so I will let you know how that goes (so excited to get another peek into Baby’s home)!!!

49 days to go!!!