Momma's Little Mouse

And it's Thursday (already  - where did this week go?!) and Halloween - Juliette's first! If I do say so myself, she makes quite an adorable little mouse!

I will share with you what I have been learning and how I have been thinking, and living really, over the past two weeks: take every moment as it is here. Live in it. Enjoy it. Only think back when it brings a smile and only look forward when it brings hope. Other than that, there is only "right now."

It may sound very simple, cliche even. But for me, it has been working. Whenever I am with my daughter (my nine month old, oh-so-precious, yummy smelling, wrist waving daughter), it is a perfect moment. I enjoy her every smile, her pursed lips, her cries for her momma. When I am nursing her for the fourth time in the middle of the night, I make myself take note: this will not last forever. In a few years, I'd give my right arm to have these moments back. I enjoy dressing her, bathing her, changing her diaper. And when she is whining to be picked up and I am right in the middle of doing something for work and have been holding in my pee for over two hours, I still react like a normal, working mommy: I get frustrated, I wish I had a third or ninth arm, I wish I had another hour back to get more work done. But at the same time, I am saying to myself, "Enjoy this. She won't want to be picked up forever. She might stop making that babbling noise that I love so much tomorrow."

I don't allow myself to think about and dread visitation 'tomorrow' or this weekend. I stop the thoughts and remind myself that it's useless to stress over something that is not even here yet and to miss out on whatever is happening right now.  

So today was Halloween and Juliette was a mouse by 9:15 am even though I had to work and we weren't leaving the house until after 3:00. And boy, did I love up that little mouse all day. We didn't technically trick-or-treat but I showed her off to anyone who might potentially love her. When she went with her father tonight, I took that time to go see my cousin Cayden trick-or-treat, to grab a quick drink with a friend, and to shop for Sunday's dinner. I missed her every single second she wasn't with me but I thought ahead to having her home with me, where she is right now.

I love her so, my little mouse. She is truly perfect for me and I know that she will continue to be in every moment we share together. Once again, my heart is swelling. I hope that you all lived in your moments today and remember: only look back if doing so brings a smile and only look forward if it brings you hope.

Love,

Momeo and Juliette

XOXO

Singing Sensation

Who knew that my voice would be so soothing to another human being? I sing. In the shower. In my car. In my head. Certainly not in public. I remember catching myself singing in the car when I was pregnant and I apologized to my belly; I read somewhere that your baby hears your voice amplified about ten times. My poor little baby - trapped and having to listen to momma's awful voice. Well, turns out? She loves it.

If I sang one song today, I sang one hundred. I am not exaggerating. I wish I was. Juliette is on this new kick of not going back to sleep after her 6'something a.m. feeding. Ugh. I was spoiled with her 8:00 - 9:30 am wake ups. Now it's 6:15, 6:28, 6:45 and she pulls off of me and looks up with wide eyes, ready to go. I beg her (yes, I actually try to reason with her and bribe her) to just lay there or to watch "her show" for awhile so momma can just close her eyes for twooooooo more minutes. ("Her show," by the way, is usually whatever comes on after I press buttons on the remote without fully opening both of my eyes. On good days, she gets channel 123).  No dice today.

For the past two days, we've been up "rocking and rolling" in the wee hours. But she's still not 100% recuperated from her little sickness. So this morning, she whined while I brushed my teeth. She cried while I showered. I "got dressed" in gray sweats, a pink tee, a grey hoodie and a pinch clip (some days I pass a mirror hours later and wonder why I even bothered to shower and dry my hair) and she cried. She whined before her bath. She cried after her bath. She moaned while she half-ate her breakfast and cried when it was gone. The only thing - ONLY THING - that made her happy was my singing. (Go figure. I've made a mental note to get her ears checked).

So I sang our typical playlist: "I saw a little birdie...," "The wheels on the bus...," "You are my sunshine...," All of them. I then ran out. So the ABCs it was. They were a big hit. I sang the alphabet so many times before her first diaper change, my head hurt. Why do I do it? Well, she has started "singing" along with me. She does a constant little noise as I sing and when I tell you it's the most adorable, heavenly noise I have ever heard...it is. I am a sucker. When I stop, she stops. And so I begin again.

By noon, I was singing about whatever we were doing. ("Tiny little sockies, tiny little sockies, put them on your piggies, put them on your piggies, you can't get sicky, you can't get sicky..."). I sang about whatever I was looking at. ("All the books are beautiful...beautiful, beautiful. All the books are beautiful and such a pain to dust.") I then sang about what I should have been doing. ("Momma has to work. It's work she must do. Instead I'm singing tunes, to my favorite person - you!"). Yes, sometimes I can even rhyme. By 2 pm I brought her next door to Gram-Gram because momma was officially OUT. OF. SONGS.

Oh she just loves singing. And I just love her. So I am in search of some new songs. :) Because my baby gets what my baby wants. Even her momma's terrible, terrible singing voice.

I am enjoying her so very much. But my, oh my, she is a lot of work. I wouldn't trade a moment of it but today was the first day I felt physically tired. Ok - exhausted. She took a nap at about 3:30 and I could easily have fallen asleep right there with her. It's go, go, go with her and she's not even crawling yet! 

Speaking of which - part of my weekend plans are to babyproof my house. When I get down on her level and look around, it's a virtual disaster at fingertip level! That has to change. I also have a hot date planned for this weekend. Am I holding my breath? No. I don't do that anymore. I will have an open mind - that's the best I can do. But it never hurts to try. Maybe I'll sing to him and see if that wins him over as well. ;)

Night for now from one tired momma,

Momma and Juliette

XOXO

My Sicky Little Girl

She's sick. It is heartbreaking. I know that may sound a touch dramatic, but it really isn't. It makes my heart hurt when I see her glassy-eyed stare and her bottom lip pouting. I hate that I can't fix everything for her. She started a fever two nights ago and I was able to bring it down with a cool bath. I held off on any medicine, even when it got over 102 degrees. I have read a lot about the medicines they tell you to give babies and I am not a fan - especially when it's not really necessary.

But what have I heard about thirty times this weekend? "What have you given hr? When was the last time she had Tylenol? Giver her Motrin. Giver her Motrin and Tylenol. It will make her feel better." But I stuck to my guns. I caved and gave it to her once during the middle of the night because it was the first time I could see she was uncomfortable; she wanted to sleep but she couldn't. ("Treat the child, not the fever.") Besides that, she hasn't needed it. She's been very out of it and much more quiet but not lethargic and no other symptoms.

I have been wearing her a lot, going on as many walks as I can fit in during the day and just nursing, nursing, nursing her. She slept a lot today (a three hour nap this morning, two more half hour naps later in the day, and drifting in and out as I wore her). She's been in bed since around 7 pm too - I just ran up and fed her one side again. I hope that she wakes up tomorrow feeling more herself. 

It's interesting to see how she reacts when not well: she didn't want much to do with her solid foods. At all. (This is very unlike her). She wanted momma over everyone else, even her Button. She was much more cuddly and lovey which I liked but it wasn't worth it of course. And she hasn't fought being put in bed at any time.

She's still such a good lil sport, trying to smile, trying to bounce around. I will see how she does in the morning. I've been trying to avoid the doctor's office - not thrilled about taking her there with a compromised immune system right now. And, quite honestly, I don't want to be told to put her on an antibiotic if it truly isn't necessary. I'd rather let the fever run its course and give her natural antibodies through my breastmilk. With that said, I would never put her at risk or let her suffer. So tomorrow morning will my cut-off. If she's still running even a slight fever, I will take her in.

As an exciting mom side-note, something may be developing in the love-life area. Stay tuned....

Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO 

Big Girl Panties

It's over. I apologize but I am too drained and too exhausted to rehash it all. What I will tell you right now is that I am blessed. Yesterday was, by far, the worst day of my life. I will certainly go into more detail very soon so that others can learn from my experience. But for now, I will tell you that I came home yesterday and took care of my baby. I played with her, fed her, laughed with her and then tucked her in. I then sobbed. Like, tenth-grade-boyfriend-broke-up-with-me sobbing. And I got it all out because I knew that when I woke up today, it was the beginning of the rest of my life.

Time for some big-girl panties. No more crying (at least not ever, ever in front of my daughter). No more second guessing myself, no more doubts, or regrets, or I-should-have's. Time to face the cards I've been dealt, realize all I do have, and stop allowing him to steal joy from my life.

I created a Note on my phone that says, "She is here. She is healthy. She is mine." It will be my reminder. My kick in the ass when I need it. There are parents that would sell their souls to be in my position - to have a healthy, happy baby here that they "just" have to share. There are parents like my new friend, J, who have been through hell (real hell - not family court hell) and back AND dealt with what I am dealing with - and come through heads and shoulders above 99% of the people I know. This encourages me. These people inspire me. 

How dare I wallow? How can I have the nerve to spend another minute feeling badly for myself? I cannot. And so today, Juliette and I's future began again. I have the best blessing I have ever been given. And that is what I will think about lying in bed at night. My baby girl.

Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO

Collecting All Prayers and Positive Thoughts....

I am so beyond grateful to every single person who has offered me support in the past few months (and especially in the past few hours). Tomorrow is likely going to be one of the hardest days of my life and hearing all of the messages people are sending me truly makes a difference. I know that, if nothing else, I am not alone.

After meeting with my attorney today, I was more confused than ever. She still seems to think that a settlement is possible, however she acknowledges that F and I are worlds apart. Here is how I am thinking of my options as of right now:

Option A: We meet tomorrow with the goal of settling. This likely means I cave on a number of things. I am not leaning this way. As mentioned in my earlier post, there are just too many ridiculous, disruptive, unreasonable requests that are not in her best interests nor are they practical. If there is any way we do settle, we will have joint legal custody and I will or will not have "final say."

Option B: We proceed to trial. Here, there are any number of outcomes. 
  
                My Best Case: I seek and get sole custody. The judge delays the overnights until at least one year
                old so that she can have milk at night. He gets one weeknight visit per week.

               My Worst Case: Judge orders joint custody (not really a loss since I was offering that all along). 
               She orders overnights to begin immediately and he gets her for a full weekend. He gets two                          weeknight visits per week.

              Most Likely: some combination of the above. Maybe I get sole custody but he gets the visitation he               wants immediately. Or maybe we get joint custody but visitation goes my way.

Now the weighing begins....If she were two years old, I would go to trial in a heartbeat. I will never want him to have overnights. Ever. But this isn't, and hasn't been, about me. If she were two, I could explain it to her: "You are going with daddy for two nights and you are staying at Grandma and Grandpa's and you are going to have so much fun! Mommy will see you in two days and you can call me if you miss me!" Then she could have her milk, go to sleep and I can miss her. But she's not two. And I can't explain any of that. And she can't just have her milk and go to sleep. So it sucks for her. Completely sucks. Am I willing to risk that in order to (1) try for sole custody (and not have to consult him and deal with the arguing and bullying for the rest of my life); (2) get less frequent weekday visitation (less disruption to my schedule AND hers, less time she is being put in the car and driven around every week); and (3) not deal with any of the other unreasonable requests (the Skyping and the scheduling dr's appointments around his schedule and the 24-hour notice of earlier visitation times and the written notice of any "activities or events" planned for her - the list goes on and on...)? I don't know.

I will sleep on it. You know how much sleep I will get tonight? Yes, you do. So, again - I am shamelessly collecting prayers and positive thoughts. All I want is an outcome that is fair to my baby - not to me, not to him. No one is "winning" here. I just don't want her to lose.

Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO

Less Than 48 Hours...

So here we are. The week I thought would never come. Tomorrow I meet with my attorney to prepare for a trial. I am having a trial. If you asked me at any point in my life if I thought I would ever be in this position, I would have thought you crazy. Completely. And yet, in less than 48 hours, I will be putting my daughter's fate in a complete stranger's hands.

Some people may think, "then why are you doing that? Why can't you agree with him?" Well, I just cannot. He wants so many things that I am opposed to for so many reasons. Here are some examples:

• Overnights: He wants them either now or at 1 year old. By 18 months old, he wants her for two consecutive nights. At 2 1/2 years old, he wants her for a full week away from me. At 3, he wants her for TWO consecutive weeks away from me. Not a chance. [Mind you, she is 8 months old. She is exclusively breastfed, never had a bottle of even pumped milk. She co-sleeps with me - has never spent a night not next to me. This doesn't seem to matter to him. Additionally, we live about 25 minutes away from one another. I don't think two consecutive weeks are ever necessary unless special circumstances require it.]
• At 2: He wants alternating weekends and two weeknights per week. I wanted one weeknight per week. I offered to split the difference and do one weeknight the weeks preceding his weekends and two nights the week before my weekends. He refused. 
• He wants 72-hour written notice of any "event or activity" I plan for her. [Need I comment?]
• He wants to be able to give me 24-hour notice to call and say, "Instead of taking her tomorrow night from 5:30 - 8 pm as planned, I am getting her at 10 am until 8 pm." That's at 2 years old. Once she's 3, he wants to be able to do the same, except pick her up the night before. [No. I am entitled to a predictable routine as is she. I am entitled to make plans and not have to change them within 24 hours because he decided to take off of work. This is way too open-ended and he'd take advantage as he does with everything else.]
• He wants me to need his written consent to move. Across the street. Down the block. Next town over. Anywhere. [Don't think so. He is not my keeper. By the way, he lives somewhere he can't even take her right now and alleges he will be moving out anytime now. So apparently, he can pick up and move as he sees fit but I cannot. The chances of me moving are slim to none. I own my house, live next door to my parents and just had a complete home makeover. But that is besides the point.]
• His holiday requests are not in her best interest either. He wants her the day before the holiday, the day of, and the day after. [I don't feel it's appropriate to make her be away from either side of the family for all three days surrounding a holiday - it's selfish. We live close. There is no reason we can't split days or just do a full day with alternating years. Again, it's never enough for him.]
• He wants me to be mandated to "return his calls/Facetime/Skype as soon as possible" after he reaches out when it is my parenting time. [For a normal person, this may not seem like a terrible idea. However, this is a person who sends me weekly video messages for an 8 month old. He's been sending them since she's 3 months old. When I give her my phone, she licks it. She does not understand a video message. He also "demanded" a daily pic and video before I put her to bed every night beginning when she was around 3 weeks old because, apparently, I had nothing else going on here to worry about. I'm only a first time mom, here by myself, trying to get my baby on a routine and breastfeed her and it is demanded that I stop to send a video of a motionless, soundless baby right before she crashes for the night. Impracticable.]

These are just the highlights. I cannot agree to ridiculous things that will impact my daughter's future and mine in such a consistent, disruptive manner. I cannot do it. I also proposed joint custody for the sake of reaching an agreement but now that that has not happened, I will seek sold custody. It is clear that we are not able to communicate with one another about her best interests. At all.

I feel I have no choice. I have to fight for her and somewhere in the midst of that fight, I need to fight for myself. He gets to come in, think only of himself, fight for whatever he wants and if he "loses, " he loses. As he said to me months ago, he has "nothing to lose." So he will drag the mother of his child through a trial because, hey - why not? 

His daughter's week, by the way, is also going to suck. He doesn't think about that. She has a stressed out mom who is consumed by this, to begin with. She will spend the day at the attorney's office tomorrow. She will be woken up and dragged to court on Wednesday where she will remain with my sister until I am free to come breastfeed her (which I am confident will not be on the schedule she is accustomed to). She will then eat in the car where we try not to bump her head on doors and windows and gear shifters. Then she gets to be taken home by a stressed out mother and it may possibly repeat the next day. It's awful. I am tearing up just thinking about it.

He picked her up this morning at 9:30 and I had my father answer the door and bring her out. I am sure he was surprised by that, but good. Hopefully it sent a message to him: if you can't behave like a respectful, normal adult, you get no contact. When he brought her back at 1, my father had just run out so I had to get the door. I didn't even look at his face - ever. I can't bring myself to. I have lost all respect for him - every ounce. I took her from him, came inside and shut the door. I wish I could shut the door of my life on him.

So - if you are reading this, we are accepting all prayers. All positive thoughts. All good vibes. I truly believe in the power of positive thinking and of good people and will gladly accept anything you have to offer in that department.

Keep us in mind and send me strength as well.

Love,

Momeo and Juliette

XOXO

And This Is My Life...

I know I mentioned that I would tell a story in my next post, and I promise I will get to that very soon, but some other things have developed since then and I'd be lying if I said I could think about anything else.

I am facing the fact that in five days, I will be going to trial over custody and visitation of my daughter. Even reading back those words - seeing them in print - brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe that this is my life. I do not know how I ended up here. It's surreal in the most awful way possible. 

I am sharing this for a few reasons. One of them is that writing helps me vent - it organizes my thoughts, it expels things from my head and sometimes - not always, but sometimes - I feel a bit of relief afterwards. Another reason is to memorialize all of this - how I am feeling, what has happened. I want a record of this so that afterwards, when things settle a bit, I will never forget how I was feeling and what I went through. A third reason is the most hopeful reason - I hope that it can, one day, help at least one other person. Being in this situation, I have reached out to other women who have been in similar circumstances. Hearing their experiences, good or bad, helps me tremendously. It gives me some heads up about what I can expect and more importantly, it makes me feel less alone. Someone else, somewhere out there, has traveled a similar road and made it. 

It would be nearly impossible to capture in words, nevertheless in blog entries, what I have been through with F. Impossible. For now, I will update some of the facts about our current status. We have our trial date set for this coming Wednesday. It has been set for about two months. Leading up to that date being set, we have been to court numerous times already - I lost track. Each time is especially awful and I cannot tell you how much I hate (and that's a very strong word, but accurate) being in that building. In that environment. It makes me physically ill every time I have gone there. Each time at court so far has been fairly similar. I meet my attorney there at our appointed time. My attorney and his attorney go in to speak to the judge. The judge tells us to try and work it out among ourselves. We talk in the hallway trying to come to some agreement about visitation. In the past, we were able to come up with a temporary agreement for the next few months. Other times, we get nowhere. We then get assigned another date to return for yet another conference. The judge will then ask - again - if we have come to a settlement. The attorneys say no and they assign another date in the future, telling us to again try to work it out before then. Well, we have used up all of those adjournments and conferences. It is now time to get the case taken care of. (The Family Court has these things called "Standards and Goals" and they state that the case must be completed within 6 months of being filed. I filed in April so by November, it needs to be completed. The judge will not schedule a trial last-minute in case it needs to get pushed back for an emergency, hence the mid-October date set for us.)

In the past few weeks, we have been sending proposals back and forth. First, F and I started this on our own without attorneys. I sent him what I wanted. I told him it was my bottom line - it was. He didn't believe me and sent it back with a ton of changes and additions. I agreed to some minor changes but nothing major and sent it back again. He then got extremely pissed off at me because he asked to change one of his scheduled visitation dates. I told him I would accommodate him for that change and for many more in the future if he would just agree, sign the settlement, and allow us to move forward from all of this. He told me I was "blackmailing" him (the same thing he said when I went for child support). I don't think he understands the meaning of that word. I refuse to fight with him, especially when he resorts to personal attacks and attacks about me as a mother via text. I ignored him and then started going through my attorney once more.

My attorney and I then receive yet another proposal from him and it contained some ludicrous things that I would never, ever agree to (a full week away from me when she is 2 1/2 years old; 24 hour notice to pick her up at 10 am on some days instead of 5:30 pm and keeping her until 8 pm, 2 consecutive weeks away from me when she is 3 years old, etc...) I met with my attorney, we went through it in detail and then sent it back. That was last week - my attorney has heard nothing. Neither had I...until last night.

F, again, wanted to change his upcoming visitation time for the weekend. He is supposed to have her on Saturday for the day and wanted to switch it to Sunday. I explained at court (where he asked through his attorney) that I could not  - I have a family even planned on Sunday. My attorney convinced me to allow him to take her Monday instead. I agreed but said she had to be home a couple of hours earlier than usual because I have plans later in the day. F was going to see if he could get off work to take her. I heard nothing.

Last night, he brought her home at 8 pm when his weekday visitation was over. I still didn't know what was going on for this weekend so I asked if he was taking her on Saturday. He said no, that he was taking her Monday and I said, "Ok, but she needs to be back by 1 then." Then he lost it. Flipped out. Got nasty immediately and started asking why. I explained I had plans and he responded by asking, "what is more important than her spending time with her father?!" I think he had temporary amnesia and forgot that HE was the one who had uber-important plans on Saturday and was cancelling his regularly scheduled day with her. I didn't reply because he was heated. I was holding the baby and he was in my house (no one else was around). I said, "I am accommodating you and if you aren't happy with 1 on Monday, you can have her at the regular time on Saturday." He continued to raise his voice and say sarcastic things. I finally said, "Get out." As he was fighting with me, he was leaning over me, trying to kiss the baby. I was backing up instinctually. He then said, "the proposal you sent me was a disgrace, Liz. So I will see you Wednesday and we will let the cards fall where they may." Well that just pissed me off - he was continuing to fight with me even though I stopped speaking and was telling him to get out. I said, "well then I am not accommodating you anymore. You can have her Saturday or not at all." I shut the door and locked it. He was then yelling from outside my house, "I will BE here Monday, Liz! I will be here!" I said, "well we will not be."

Then I was scared. I was shaking and on the verge of tears. That's when the hatred comes - how dare he? How dare he speak to me like that? How dare he pull that shit in front of HIS child? She is a baby. I held it together long enough to nurse her and put her into bed and then I lost it. For the first time, I was scared to be in my house alone. I pulled all of the curtains closed. I locked and double and triple-checked my front door. I called my brother-in-law but he was with all of his kids and couldn't come over. I knew my sister would be home shortly so I stayed on the phone with my brother-in-law until she got here. I hated him. He manages to twist absolutely everything around. He forgets that he has refused to compromise with me. We have court-ordered visitation scheduled. When he wanted me to pick her up 20 minutes early two weeks ago so he could get his haircut, I did. When he had to change last week to go to a Yankee game, I changed. When he wants to change this weekend, I gave him an alternative. I don't HAVE to do that. Instead of playing nice (even if it's completely fake) he comes in here acting entitled and angry and childish. He is then nasty and disrespectful. It truly blows my mind. Then I know - with 100% certainty - that he leaves here feeling like the victim! It's not normal. He is delusional.

Of course today, he called his attorney who called my attorney who reached out to me (so this cost us each no less than $150) about it. His attorney said that HE was trying to accommodate MY schedule and I "adamantly refused" and then "threatened to not make the baby available on Monday." Well, it was partly true. I reminded everyone that I was the one accommodating HIM. And I didn't "threaten" to not make her available, I told him she no longer would be. That's a fact, not a threat. Long story - my attorney convinced me to offer back either his regularly scheduled Saturday time or the shorter time on Monday that I originally offered. I did so for my daughter's sake and for my attorney's. Certainly not for his. I will now have my father here when he comes to get her on Monday and we will see if he mouths off to him. We'll see if he's still such a bully and so nasty. I doubt it. 

In the meantime, I have a meeting with my attorney at 2 pm on Tuesday to prepare for a 9:30 am trial on Wednesday. To say I am flipping out is an understatement. I am fighting for my child - I am the ONLY one in this entire disaster of a situation that has HER best interests at heart. He has shown me- again and again - that he has not grown up. He will never put her first - it is all a battle between him and I in his eyes. He cannot see past his resentment of me and it is so, so sad. So pathetic. He feels badly for himself and he wants to "win." He wants to "show me." What he doesn't realize is that neither of us will "win." Our daughter is losing. She is losing the hope for two parents to ever peacefully co-parent. She is losing the chance of having a father that her mother respects. 

So my daughter will now spend Tuesday afternoon at an attorney's office. She will then spend the entire day on Wednesday at Family Court. If he "wins," he will get her for a full weekend starting soon. Then she really loses. She loses the comfort and security of her home, her bed, her mother, the only food she knows. She likely loses her trust in me for leaving her for two days and will lose trust in her father because when she is with him, she will know she is missing other things (like her mother and her right to breastfeed). To say it is sad is an injustice - it is heartwrenching. But it seems I am the only one who cares about that.

I will spend the rest of my weekend loving her up and preparing for a trial on my own. I am going in there fighting for her - every step of the way. I will argue about breastfeeding and attachment parenting and co-sleeping and her rights. I will argue about overnights and age-appropriateness. I will seek sole custody because now he will "get" only what a judge orders me to give him. He has lost my respect and therefore anything I would have voluntarily agreed to. My heart is so sad and I still cannot believe that this is my life.

Please say prayers for us,
Momeo and Juliette 
XOXO

Blah... (and stay tuned)

Forgive me. I am grumpy. I had a fantastic weekend but now it is Monday night. I got a bill from my attorney in the mail today - let's just say it's a lot of money for a short time period. And we are still not done so the numbers are just going to keep going up. Of course, coming up with the money stresses me, but spending the money on that aggravates me. A lot. This is all money that should be spent on my daughter. I will say it is frustrating only because I don't have the energy to find the correct word...
To top it off, my parents went away for a week and it's just always different when I can't run next door for some adult-interaction here and there. No tea breaks with mom. No venting to dad. 
And my throat hurts.
Blah, blah, blah - Debbie Downer, I know.

Highlights of my day to cheer us all up:

Juliette giggling at me in the high chair when I have a "dance party." It's getting easier and easier to make her laugh aloud (she was a slow one with that - always had a silent-movie laugh!) and whatever makes her laugh gets repeated approximately eight hundred times.

Listening to her say "mmmmmm" as she eats her blueberries - she truly enjoys them!

Breastfeeding her tonight - she went to bed a bit early and woke about an hour ago to eat. Feeding her at night is the best - she is so hungry and gulps, gulps, gulps as if her life depends on it. Then I am reminded that her life does depend on it and I am providing it. How awesome is that?!

Having an uninterrupted day with my daughter - there truly is nothing else I can ask for. [That just helped me - I am no longer that "blah." I am smiling. And stay tuned....tomorrow I will begin the story to explain why my weekend was as awesome as it was. You won't believe this one...]

Night,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO

Stuck In The Middle

I've been avoiding writing about my life here - maybe subconsciously, maybe not. The truth is, it depends what moment you catch me. Right now, at this moment, I am what I'm starting to think of as "stuck in the middle." I'm not in a bad place, but I'm not overly happy. Juliette goes with her father tomorrow from 9:45 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. It is a really long day for me. I get up with her in the morning and feed her really quickly. I then have to make sure she nurses for a full session at almost exactly 9:30 so that she's done when he gets here and it holds her over until noon. At noon, I go to F's parents' house to nurse her. I then try to get her to nap in the crib, but it isn't easy there because I can't leave her with my phone playing music (because then I am stuck there or I have to leave my phone). I had been picking her up at 3:30 pm every Saturday but now he is supposed to have an extra hour starting this month. I am really upset about this because she is typically starving at 3:30 when I get her and I need to feed her immediately. I don't know how she is going to do with an additional hour. And I know he will certainly not call me and tell me to come get her because things are not good between us. Although that shouldn't matter in the least, I have seen his true colors and I know that not only does it matter, but it controls everything. It sucks. 

I am trying so hard not to let this get me into a negative place. We had such a great day today and a great night - celebrated my brother Matt's 30th birthday. We also have a great weekend to look forward to - fireworks tomorrow night at our beach followed by Sunday dinner and a special viewing party for a show on Sunday (will blog about that next week - a whole story itself that I need to share!) 

But it's hard. It's really hard. I hate this for her. I hate that she has to be away from me for so long. I hate that she is going to want to nurse and I would know that. And I would feed her. But I won't be there and he will not acknowledge it so she will just have to deal with it - at eight months old.  I know I am not the most objective person, but I find it so selfish. Because of what he wants and what works best for him, she has to adapt. And possibly be unhappy. And possibly be hungry. I'm not saying he shouldn't see her and have time with her, but I don't know how - as her parent - you can just pretend that it's not an issue. He thinks because he is her "father," she should just be fine with him. He doesn't respect the fact that there are just certain things a father cannot do and he certainly doesn't defer to me as her mother in any sense. His last comment to me was not as coherent as this but he was trying to say that I, in no way, exemplify a good mother. This, when he knows 100%, that I am a damn good mother. Honestly, I don't care what he thinks about me. Not as a mother, not as a person. He is not God, he is not my child and therefore his rating of me as a mother is irrelevant to my life. But the fact that he cannot put her first and say, "Listen, I know she can't go more than three hours without nursing so why don't we just keep it at 3:30 until that changes? I don't want her to be hungry or upset" - I will never, ever understand that. I do understand that it's not "fair" and it's not "convenient" or easy, but it's not any of those things for me either. Let's not forget that for 8 solid months, I have been available to breastfeed this baby every two hours (three at the longest) no matter what day it is, what is going on, where we are, etc... It is not always convenient or easy for me either. I certainly would not otherwise choose to spend my Saturday afternoons at his parents' house in a room upstairs on a kitchen chair breastfeeding my daughter. But it's what is best for her so I sacrifice happily. He cannot and has not done the same. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, incomprehensible, and infuriating to me. 

But I really am trying not to dwell on it - I will go crazy. I am trying, trying to picture tomorrow at 4:30 when I get her in my car and I can sing to her and drive her home and then the rest of our weekend can begin. I am trying to visualize nursing her tomorrow evening at home, comforting her, knowing she is full and content. But I'm only human and it's hard. It's very, very hard.

Pray tomorrow goes quickly for my baby girl please.

Love,
Momma and Juliette
XOXO

Girlie Stuff! Shopping! Glitter!

Am I the only mom who fashions each day's outfit for my daughter around a headband? or shoes? or tights? I truly do. These are some of the reasons I wanted (prayed for, willed, begged, and pleaded for) a girl - it is SO much fun to me. Anything that has a tutu or glitter or hearts or an accessory is something I love. Michele (the twin) is the complete opposite. My poor little niece Allie only dresses like a girl when Jay dresses her - then he pulls out all the stops! But Michele grabs the closest outfit and that's what she gets - none of the 75 headbands or 14 pair of shoes on her dresser. Just the outfit. Granted, she has three additional children to dress but they are all boys and so they should be the ones who are just dressed in anything!

I love it. I have already had two photo shoots done with Juliette and she's only 8 months old. I am already setting up a girlie cake smashing photo shoot for her first birthday! I am seriously considering just dipping her in glue and then dragging her through glitter for that occasion. (Disclaimer: please do not leave a comment telling me this is not "safe." I know that. But still.) 

But the shoes and hats and mini sunglasses and leotards and fancy-pants and butt covers - there's just TOO much cuteness! I have been very good about controlling my online shopping because there are entire websites, geared towards suckers like me, selling baby outfits for $100 that will literally be worn ONE time (and likely for only a couple of hours, if that).  But how do you resist teeny-tiny cowgirl boots? How? I can't do it. I know they will fall off of her. I know she will hate them. I know they will only "fit" for about one month. But that one Wednesday, when I decide she's going to be a cowgirl, it will make my day to reach over and grab those teeny-tiny $65 boots.

I tried her Halloween costume on yesterday (one I purchased on clearance while I was still pregnant just in case it was a girl - I knew it was a girl). She does make the cutest little ladybug. But then I sent a picture to almost everyone I know and so then I had to go out and get a new costume. She cannot be a ladybug twice! I know. It's a problem.

My Good Luck Ladybug - could you eat her up?!

If any other moms have girlie Must-Do's, please please I beg of you, share them with me in the comments!

Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO

Single Momma Life

Being a single mom rocks. Seriously! I get to live my life on my own schedule; there's no one I need to check in with, no one I need to wait for and no one that is waiting for me. I eat what/when I want, work when I want, and go about life doing whatever works for Juliette and I. We live in the moment and I have come to enjoy it.

However...there are a few small things that are a bit more complicated when you are a single parent. Here are some of them:

• When I yell out, "garbage is full!" no one appears to take it out.
• I have gone to the bathroom with a baby on my lap. Numerous times.
• A quick milk run in the early morning or the late evening is not quick at all. It is "load-up-the-baby-and-then-unload-the-baby" slow.
• Not only have I killed spiders, but I've done so only silently-screaming in my head so as to not scare the baby I am holding
• I complain about the bills but no one is listening
• When I am around other people, I hear that I hold my baby too much. (This is enough for an entire blog post on its own which you may see someday. Soon. Depending on how many more people piss me off). What they don't understand is that when I need to do ANYthing at home, I am not holding her nor is anyone else. She is "down" when I need to do everything YOU do while your husband holds your baby.
• When you need a hug, you have to annoy your baby. Again.

Other than that, it rocks :)

Off to do the bills (during which I will complain even though no one is listening).

Love,

Momeo and Juliette

XOXO

[EDIT: When a single momma gets a pounding headache, baby doesn't know and doesn't sleep in later and doesn't have more patience either... had to add that to my list after last night!]