November!! I never thought I would reach this month…three
more solid months to go. That sounds like a year to me…maybe this is why I woke
up with my head spinning. First of all, I remember feeling ‘pretty’ in my dream
last night – ahh, what an unfamiliar feeling! I think it was because I wasn’t
pregnant. I was trying on outfits and they all looked so cute! Ugh – maybe one
day…
F came over last night to use the shower and soak up some
electricity. The house he rents (with three friends) has not yet been restored
– neither has his parents’. I told him he was more than welcome to come and he
took me up on it. It was good to see him, but as always, it got my head
spinning. I think – well I pretty much know – the problem lies with me. I have
such high expectations for people. For F. I want so much and when they don’t
live up to that, I am disappointed. I’m disappointed that the first time he
came over, before or after the storm of the century, was to shower. Not to make
sure my house was secure or to bring in gallons of water or to check on
me…things like that. Those actions would speak volumes to me. He says he wants a lot of things – he says
he wants to get married, live together, have a family. But his actions have not
changed. And yes, I know I stopped all of that. I know I said I wasn’t ready
and didn’t want it – but if he still does, you would think he would show it. I
want to feel that I would be taken care of and I do not feel that way. I feel I
would have to shoulder a lot of the worrying, a lot of the responsibility. And
I am willing to do that, but I want to feel like I don’t have to do that. Does that make sense? Example: my aunt ordered a
glider for me for the baby’s nursery. It’s sitting in my living room in a huge
box. He never mentioned it – never said, “oh the glider came?” or “do you want
me to put that together?”. I just wish he had. So I go back into my defensive
stance of I-will-take-care-of-it-myself (which, unfortunately, at this time,
usually means I find someone else to do it for me). But I will have my dad put
together the glider. I called my friend and asked him to send landscaping guys
to clean my yard. I will do it. I don’t need
him. It would just be nice if I could depend on him.
A lot of thoughts, I know. And to top it off, I woke up –
again – wondering if I should ask the baby’s gender at my OB appointment on
Tuesday. If it’s a girl, I wouldn’t feel the surprise was ruined. I would be
thrilled. If it’s a boy – I don’t know if it’s better for me to know now and
deal with it or just wait til it’s in the moment and I may be just fine with
it. I truly don’t know. If I decided to ask, that means they would have to have
the gender in my chart, which I am not sure they do. And then I would have to
keep it to myself for the next 85 days. I’m still tossing this one around. [My
mom told me not to find out. She thinks it will leave me time for
disappointment whereas, if I wait until “the” moment, there will be no room for
disappointment and I will love my child fully and with zero upset. I might have
to trust her on this one. I hope she’s right! Thoughts???]
90 days to go!!!
