Go Home and Wait for Baby

Doctor’s Appointment Report: Everything looks “great.” Baby looks “perfect.” I was one of those patients asking, “Are you sure my fluids are still good enough?” and “The baby’s not getting too big?” Part of me is just looking for a reason to bring this baby out (but, at the same time, if they ever said yes, I would crap my pants and change my mind)! So – all good news. I am 50% effaced but (personal info warning) my cervix is still tilted too far back for her to tell if I am dilating. It remains a mystery… (By the way, it hurts like hell for the doctor to be able to realize she cannot reach my cervix!) And…just an observation: female doctors hurt more than male doctors. I have come to this conclusion based on more than one set of doctors. Why is that??

Anyway, all is good and they sent me home to wait for baby. My mom swears that during the ultrasound, the tech said, “come on, girl” under her breath at one point. If I would have heard that, I would have freaked out (in a good way). But I didn’t. I am hoping that was a slip. But…she messes with my head every single time. I always leave that little room thinking I know what it is because of something the tech said. Suppose I still need to wait…that’s the name of the game these days.

7 days to go!!!

Getting Hospital-Ready

Today is a great day to have a baby!! Too bad it’s my brother-in-law’s sister having hers and I am STILL home, working and pregnant! L She is having her third via C-section and is hoping for a girl. I am hoping for a contraction – even a teeny-tiny one! (Remind me, by the way, when the time comes, that I was hoping for those…) I have a doctor’s appointment later on tonight and am hoping to hear that I am making some progress. But I’m not holding my breath.

Things with work have been settled as far as me going out for awhile – that is a weight off of my shoulders. My boss has been wonderfully understandable and flexible and seems he will continue to be when I have the baby. For that, I am one grateful girl.

Things with F are even looking up. We had lunch on Saturday and although it was brief (I am not so comfortable being out these days) it was very enjoyable and we were able to discuss details about the Christening we will be having with my niece Allie. I am so happy to be able to do a combined Christening…actually happy isn’t really the word. I thought that F was going to have a conflict at one point and it wouldn’t be possible and that made me cry (understanding that is not that difficult to do these days). It means the world to me and I am already so excited! The baptism will be at my church and we are having the party at a local restaurant because the manager there was so gracious and cooperative (and, plus, the food is fantastic)!

Physical status: a wreck. Nothing fits me anymore. Every day finding a shirt becomes a treasure hunt. My belly is stretched to the max and feels that way – so tight and hard and sometimes itchy. When I walk, it feels like the baby is going to fall out (I wish!) and when I sit or lay for too long, my back and hips hurt. Every morning’s shower is a one hour routine because I need to get hospital-ready clean. This means shaving, scrubbing, and moisturizing from my feet to my chin. The thought of being basically naked and fully exposed under those damned lights they lower from the ceiling horrifies me. Parts that I haven’t seen in months are going to be out there for all the world to see. Shoot me. Each night when I get changed back into the only sweats that fit me, I think “Well all of that was a waste today – the only human I saw was my mother.” But I know – I know – that the one day I don’t do my hospital-ready clean routine, I will go into labor. So an hour a day it is. Speaking of which…have to go blow dry my hair juuuuuust in case…

8 days to go!!!

Naturally Inducing Myself. Or Trying.

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Happy Inaugeration Day. Happy 9 days til my due date Day…and nothing. No water breaking. No contractions. Well, nothing except a lack of sleep. Baby had me up from about 4 am until after 6 am. In that time, I was very anxious about labor. Then I started hoping it really is a girl. That led me to feel terrible so I Googled whether or not I am a terrible mother for hoping it’s a girl. (Turns out, I’m not. At least according to the articles I chose to read. It’s called “gender disappointment” and I am supposed to recognize and acknowledge my feelings and guilt and then know that I will get over it the moment I meet and fall in love with my baby.) At about 5 a.m., I ordered a baby tub that I am really excited about. It’s called the Blooming Bath for babies – it’s precious. Looks adorable and seems very practical for newborns. I will let you know!

Working today with the inauguration celebration on in the background. Also sneaking in some time to work on pressure points on my feet that supposedly encourage baby to drop and induce labor. That stuff I will try. The others I discussed? No thank you. I was very productive yesterday and so today I am taking it a bit easy besides work. Pray for something to happen. Preferably, something painless and quick but at this point, I will take anything.

9 days to go!!!

Update: STILL Pregnant

Current update – NOTHING. No contractions. No spotting. No cramps. Nothing. Trying not to get dejected. Yes, I know that my due date is still 12 days away. Yes, I  am aware that first time moms go an average of 8 days past their due date. I read. Intellectually, I understand all of that. But physically and emotionally, I am as ready as I will ever be. And I refuse to be one of these moms who eat 7 raw pineapples, do 100 squats, bounce on a yoga ball all day, sit over boiling water and instant coffee and (the latest) spread ice cream on their hoo-has!! (Yes, moms are doing this to induce. My favorite part is that they warn each other that it must be Neapolitan ice cream. Like your va-jay can tell the difference between that and mint chocolate chip.) I sound cranky. My apologies. It’s just that…well, I am.

12 days to go???

38 Weeks and 1 Day (Yes, that day matters)

A very warm hello from a very pregnant momma-to-be! I am 38 weeks and 1 day along as of today (and yes, my fellow moms out there will remember that that one day does count)! I am so glad I am sharing my experience with anyone reading this. Why? Maybe because I love writing and because I love sharing. Or maybe because I found myself relating to Snooki two nights ago and I want...different people to relate to? (Not kidding. An episode aired showing her 8 months pregnant and she cried that she “just [didn’t] feel good.” I thought, “Someone else gets it!” and I was so happy. Then I realized it was Snooki. Sigh.)

13 days to go...! 

New Year - I am back!

A new year – where has the time gone?! I could give all the excuses (the holidays, being way too pregnant, getting sick) but you all understand what happens – one day it’s December 18^th and the next, January 16^th. Sigh.

So the big news: I am still pregnant. 38 weeks and counting…and praying for labor pains and water breaking. I can’t believe I would ever say that – that I can’t wait for labor. But it’s time enough: I am done being pregnant, I want to meet this little mush and I can’t wait to be over the anxiety of delivery and just be able to enjoy my baby. I go to Dr. Erhart tonight and he will check me – I better have made some progress from last week (when he told me I was “thinning out.” I bet he says that to all the girls to make us feel better). But tonight I want dilation. I want effacement – I want something I can obsess about and hold on to for the next few days until my body kicks into action.

I took some “belly” photos – well, actually my younger cousin Brianna did – she does photography on the side and is hella good at it. My mom convinced me to do it, telling me I will regret it down the road if I don’t have any good pics of myself pregnant (she doesn’t have any). She sent me some sneak peeks and she really did do a nice job – anyone who can show a 9^th month pregnant woman a photo of herself that she thinks is “not terrible” is pretty talented. She’s bringing me the c.d. with them today and I am quite interested to see them all – hopefully baby appreciates them years from now. Because ain’t momma never doin this again!!

Every time I pee, I look down and part of me is hoping to see a hand sticking out or something. The waiting game is the worst – it could happen any given minute. Or I could still be pregnant almost 4 weeks from now (God, that hurt to even type….) I’ve been feeling okay physically, drained mentally. I get very easily frustrated and the not sleeping well adds to that. I don’t know how women voluntarily do this so many times – kudos to those of you who have.

I’m still working from home although it’s been slow which stresses me financially but other than that, it’s been quite lovely! My house is set, the nursery is set, my car is set…all I need is a contraction or two, an epidural, and a baby! So please, think PINK and think SOON. (Although if it’s a boy, I won. He will be Mason Daniel which I am very happy about. I just love the name.) I hope I am writing next from a hospital bed saying, “It wasn’t even that  bad…” (Ahh, a girl can dream….)

14 days to go!!! (Ahhhhh!!!)

Overdid It

Tomorrow I am 34 weeks and today I am officially DONE. I overdid it this weekend and paid the price but it’s just extremely frustrating because “overdoing it” is not even what I’d consider a crazy day in my pre-pregnancy life. I went to the mall – sounds simple enough. But driving there (about 25-30 minutes), finding parking, walking in, walking around, standing on line, trying on clothes (I needed a dress for Christmas eve – my yoga pants and maternity jeans won’t cut it!), more walking, dealing with crowds…it was exhausting. I realized at one point, walking through Macy’s, that a young woman was trying to get past me. I moved over and she buzzed on by with her independent, unpregnant self. I thought, “That’s usually me!” I’m usually the girl there alone, zipping in and out of stores, weaving in and out of the slow people, getting things done in record time. On Saturday, at that moment, I thought, “If I were on fire, I couldn’t move any faster than I am right now.” Quite depressing. I then tackled Target (for some last minute hospital bag necessities like nursing bras and tanks and a bathrobe as well as some small Christmas gifts). Let me tell you, I have only been to Target once before in my life and I wished (wished really hard) that I had had more energy left – what a great store! Too bad I was exhausted and could barely get the things on my list. I actually walked out to my car, put all of my bags in and then had to go back into the store when I realized I had to pee. Again. And I’d never make it home! So I treated myself to a Starbucks (I know, I’m a terrible mom – I had some real caffeine) on the way out and literally moaned with pleasure at the first sip in my car.

I had to take my shoes off in the car because my feet were swollen (only second time that has happened so far) and I then went to my aunt’s house in case I went into labor. Not kidding. It was the first time I felt that…drained. And awful. I was nervous that I did too much. But, alas, Baby was fine and very cooperative. Maybe she’ll/he’ll (she’ll) like shopping like her mom :)

My nephews and niece were away this weekend with my parents – they went to the North Pole! (Well, the one in Lincoln, New Hampshire). I hated that they were gone (hated it) and I was beyond thrilled when they came home Sunday night. I cooked dinner and had it waiting for everyone at my sister’s house. I just couldn’t wait to hold them and hug them and love them up (especially because of the Newtown incident on Friday – I was crying randomly all weekend). They were full of stories about the train ride, the scarf from Santa, all of the “real elves!” they got to see – such excitement and such…joy. And belief. Children are amazing. They are hard, hard work and can be spoiled and actually quite terrible at times, but still – amazing.

As of today, I am completely done with my Christmas shopping. (Pat on the back although this is over a month later than my usual). Picked up some last minute gifts last night – gift certificate to Pasta Pasta in Port Jefferson Station – yum! And some shirts from Marshalls for my younger sister. So I am done. Most of my gifts are even wrapped too – just the last minute things (and two more coming in the mail this week) to wrap. I think I can, I think I can….

43 (quick) days to go!!!

Broken Hearted

As a former elementary school teacher, as a mother-to-be, and as a human being today is a sad, sad today. A classroom full of kindergarteners was shot to death in their “safe haven” at school. Nothing is sacred anymore – nothing. My heart is literally broken in two. What happened and how I feel about it is all beyond words. There are just no words.

God bless every single teacher and adult who comforted a child during that horrifying time. God bless those innocent, trusting little souls who hopefully did not even have time to be scared. And God bless that entire community. How the anger does not outweigh everything else is beyond me. A teacher who hid her class in a single bathroom and saved all of their lives said that she “didn’t know if it was right, you know, for a teacher” to tell her students that she loved them each very, very much. But she told them. And I don’t think there is anything more right.

I keep thinking, “I wish I had been in that school.” And I know that is not a completely rational thought. But I would have wanted to be there, to be that comfort, to be the protector of those precious little children who are left in a teacher’s care all day, every day. I would have done what I could for my students without even blinking an eye. And I guarantee every single teacher in that building did the same today. My heart is broken in two.

47 days to go…

Sneak Peek!

I’m still smiling from last night. I think the Baby Gods knew that I needed a peek at my baby yesterday. He/she (she) LOOKS like a REAL baby now! (I know, that probably sounds terrible, as if it hasn’t. But…it hasn’t!!! It looked like a lima bean, then a skeleton, then an alien. But now, he/she (she) looks like a BABY!!)

Speaking of babies….I’m a huge one when it comes to doctors. My entire life, I have passed out when I go to the doctor (dentist, pediatrician, physician, gynecologist, you name it). This pregnancy has toughened me up a bit, which I would have bet against seven months ago. But it’s amazing what you do when you have to do it. I’m still, however, not 100% “normal” about going. Even last night I was nervous – my stomach was in knots and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom (another physical reaction my body has to stress). I didn’t know how long the sonogram would be and what exactly the monitoring would be like and so I was stressed. My mom met me there which was good because she serves as a distraction while I wait. I despise waiting – it gives my mind time to completely freak out my body. I hate it. Anyway – the sonogram was awesome. I got to see Baby with its finger in its mouth, holding its foot in its mouth with its hand (!!intelligent, right??) and moving all around. We saw the hair on the back of the head already (quite the shock as I didn’t have hair until I was almost four! My mom taped bows onto my head!). It was great. The face has filled out and it looks like…my baby!!! Oh, and everything they checked for last night was perfect: my fluid levels, the umbilical cord, the blood flow, etc… Of course, that’s the most important stuff but the cutest and most exciting stuff was seeing the baby (and getting more pictures to take home)!

After the sonogram, they weighed me. Again. Ugh. I weighed 133 lbs which, I think, was the same as last time. Maybe I’m deluding myself. But either way, it’s a neat 25 lb weight gain since the pregnancy. If it doesn’t go up much more, I’ll be content with that. Blood pressure was great. Then, time for the monitoring. I sat on the exam table with two pillows propped up behind me. They found the baby’s heart (from the sonographer) and put a round monitoring piece on it and strapped it to me (with that gucky sonogram gel underneath it) to measure the baby’s heartbeat. Then they strapped another monitoring piece where the top of my uterus is to measure my contractions. Here’s the best part: the nurse then hands me this little buzzer and says, “Press this every time the baby moves.” I looked at her like she couldn’t be serious. “Every time?” “Yes, every time. I will be back in five minutes (LIE: a minimum of 15 minutes) to check on you.” My baby moves every second. Especially at night. I am not exaggerating. It’s a gymnast in there. It kicks and jabs and flips and tumbles and rolls. I was pushing that button every three seconds – and the machine would beep. I told my mom I am going to get one of those buzzers from the game Taboo and I’m going to do this at home. I’m going to press it and buzz every time the baby moves so no one else in my life can ignore it!! I certainly can’t! I finally told my mother that I was pressing it every other time because it was getting ridiculous. I had pressed it over 40 times in less than 5 minutes. Seriously. I guess other baby’s don’t move as much???

Turns out that everything there was perfect too – “perfect readout” the nurse practitioner told me. Good contractions (I knew that was what I was feeling!), good heartrate, and great movement (great for them, not for the inside of my uterus). My liver enzyme number went from a 12 to a 13. I said, “Shit! It went up!” but the NP said, “I consider 12 and 13 to be the same level with this. It’s just fine.” That made me feel better. I will continue to go for these weekly sonograms and NSTs and we will keep a close eye on Baby. I go for more blood work in three weeks to check on my number again (think LOW) and hopefully I can sneak by, week by week, until this baby comes naturally and I won’t need to be induced! Fingers and toes crossed!

I was smiling when I left, when I went to Michele and Jay’s to show them the pictures, when I got home and even now, today. I am getting really excited. So…I know I promised more updates about F, but no negativity or stress today. Only happy, real-baby-looking thoughts today. I’m going to be a mom soon!

48 days to go!!!

(Yawn)

Exhausted. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m back to not sleeping well – not falling asleep easily and then not remaining asleep. And F came over last night (last week we did not meet up). I know it’s terrible but I can’t even rehash it all. He left and I was sitting here so…baffled. Confused. I just don’t understand him. I wish I did. We are two totally different people on two totally different pages (of different books). We attempted to cover the following topics: possible boy name, my relationship with his mother, visitation, our relationship (which has been non-existent for months and which always and still includes our break-up), health insurance and (drum roll please…..) finances.

The last one was probably the one that exhausted me. I feel it’s the first thing I have “asked” for, if you will, and it was not received well. (Although visitation was the second thing he managed to bring up). Not only did F think the baby “won’t cost anything” for at least the first two months, but he genuinely seemed shocked when I told him this pregnancy has not been free! I explained to him, although this has all been brought up in past conversations (numerous times), my deductible, my co-payments, my expenses for food, clothing, vitamins and all of the other incidentals that come along with carrying a baby for 40 weeks. (Didn't even bother to mention my decrease in salary because I am able to work fewer hours). He said it never even crossed his mind and he felt “like shit” about that. However, that was not followed up with an offer for…anything. Sigh.

I then explained that my idyllic plan six months ago had changed and I no longer feel it will be appropriate to re-evaluate child support every six months. I don’t want it to be an ongoing source of tension – I think it should be a matter of business that we deal with now and it just is. We agree on an amount and every two weeks, that is what comes in. Period. Needless to say, without even discussing a number, F did not agree. He thinks we need to wait and see what our actual expenses are, then compare what I spent to what he spent and meet somewhere in the middle. He does not agree with, nor even want to acknowledge the existence of, New York state laws regarding child support. Because I said I would like to stay out of court, F interpreted that to mean we are re-inventing the wheel and we cannot even look to what the state would hold him to. I disagree. I was, and am, willing to compromise on the amount but he feels that certain things have no bearing on my raising a baby. “Your mortgage doesn’t change just because of the baby. And yes, your utilities will go up, but so will mine.” (Although in essence, that is not true, since he is keeping the baby at his parents’ house when he has him/her (her).) I said, “Well you don’t just get to choose how it works and we’ve established that you are clearly not aware of all of the financial implications of a baby.” I don’t think he was very happy with me but I can’t let that bother me. I explained that I can’t deny all visitation and make up my own rules simply because I think the state laws are “stupid.” Nor can he do the same with child support. I asked him to go home, go through his finances, and come back to me with a number that we can work with. We shall see what that brings. Again, two pages. Two books. He left and I was just…exhausted.

So I promise to get into more detail about some of the other topics, but forgive me, I just don’t have it in me right now. Plus, this little gremlin (or gremlette) is demanding that I eat something. Five minutes ago. Okay Baby….food is a comin’! Tonight is my first weekly sonogram and NST (non-stress test) so I will let you know how that goes (so excited to get another peek into Baby’s home)!!!

49 days to go!!!

Overwhelmed

I will admit it. This momma-to-be is overwhelmed. It happens rarely (well, it may happen more frequently than I’d like but it typically doesn’t slow me down and I can ignore it and move past it. This time? Not so much). My head is swimming with finances, health insurance, issues with F, my health and the baby’s health, work and what I am going to do when I cannot put in the hours I am used to. Forget about the holidays and the fact that everyday tasks (laundry, dishes, shopping) are getting more and more physically difficult for me. The lack of sleep is probably not helping this equation. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not at my breaking point just yet. But I’m getting there (hence, the lapse in my entries for the past week).

Better news on the cholistasis front however. When I spoke with the doctor I primarily see, Dr. Erhart, he explained that my numbers are only slightly elevated and therefore not a huge concern right at the moment. We don’t have to schedule any induction dates or anything just yet. I went for new blood work and should get those results tomorrow night at my appointment. Fingers crossed for low numbers (thinking around a 10 would be great although I really have no idea what that number represents). He is very calming and for that I am grateful! I could use some calm in my life!

As Christmas approaches, my belly continues to grow, my heartburn continues to increase in intensity and my baby’s arrival gets closer!

50 days to go!!!

Decorated!!!

Decorated! Tree up! Christmas cookies baked (well at least two different kinds so far: spritz cookies and saltine cookies. More to come)! Not bad for a cranky pregnant lady – and I cooked Sunday dinner yesterday for the fam. My feet were swollen for the first time last night – I felt like a real-live pregnant person. Now that’s one classic symptom I hadn’t had yet (I feel like I have had everything else, classic or not).

I worked a lot over the weekend as well since last week was so slow. I need those hours up – this baby is expensive! Same for today – a boring, work day with nothing else planned. But that’s ok because I am working and looking at my Charlie Brown Christmas tree which Justin carried for me and Adam and Jared helped decorate. I also adore my Pinterest mason jars (yes, I actually made them). They are simple and beautiful (if I do say so myself).

No developments on the baby front other than my impending appointment with Dr. Erhart on Thursday morning. I’m anxious to ask him questions and see what he says about this cholistasis nonsense. Until then, I am absorbing all my baby kicks (of which there are a TON all day long) and counting down til I can meet this little angel. F and I are supposed to get together Thursday night after the doctor so that we can “discuss baby things.” He called and asked for the time after our last talk. No comment. (Until Friday morning. Then I’ll fill you in.)

Going on my BabyBump app all of the time now. I am in the January 2013 group and it’s scary and exciting to read posts from so many women who are due next month having their babies early, going into labor and delivery every day, and scheduling inductions and C-sections. It is really going to happen. Next month. I almost don’t believe it.

Back to work for me. With some spritz cookies to help ease the pain ;)

58 days to go!!! (possibly 37?!)

Almost Decorated. Almost.

I am one step closer to decorating. Don’t judge. It’s hard being pregnant. Sitting across from me on my other couch are bags from Michaels and from Walmart with decorations and Christmas cheer galore. My father is also bringing over the decorations I have had stored in his basement for a few years later today. Now I just have to find the time (and energy) to actually do something with it all. Yesterday wasn’t my fault – I had to be at Michele’s house all afternoon because she had a cleaning company come (no, she’s not spoiled and lazy. This is the first time in over a year as part of her Christmas gift since she just had her fourth baby and has no time to thoroughly clean before decorating) and Jay didn’t want the house to be empty while they were there. They took the kids for their annual picture with Santa – but I have to say, it’s with THE best Santa I have ever seen. Truly. In years. I have never seen a better one. He’s the one at the Smithhaven Mall and he looks so…real! So Christmasy and Santa’ish and loveable. Every single year – it’s terrific. Picture came out great – I LOVE those kids! Then I watched all four of them again last night so that Michele and Jay could go “do holiday errands.” They got home close to midnight.

In the meantime, I got to give Allie her first (and second) bottle! I loved feeding her – she was looking up at me with those big mostly-blue-but-might-change-to-brown eyes. It reminded me how needy they are. They depend on you for everything and I just adore it. We did have a slight bathroom mishap – I had her on her changing table to change her poopy diaper and just as I took it off of her, she decided it would be a great time to poop and pee again. It went everywhere. Sprayed. She’s lucky she’s so cute. So I had to wash her down, re-lotion her so Michele didn’t smell the mishap from miles away at Toys R Us, change the changing pad, put on wash, and re-dress her. I loved every second of it. (But my goodness, it’s much harder to do even simple things when you are carrying a newborn.)

I’m glad I am only having one at this point. I was holding her, all bundled in her pjs and then her sleep sack and then her leopard print blanket, in the den. She was just about to fall asleep as I rocked her in my arms and then I hear what I think is another child crying. I had a slight moment of, “What am I supposed to do?” I went with putting Allie down on the couch in the Bobby and padding her and the Boppy as if I were leaving her for a fortnight. (I even put two couch pillows on the floor next to her in case she suddenly developed super-human newborn strength and flipped herself out of the Boppy’s hold). I ran into the bedroom and Jared was whining for his “pipey.” That is his pacifier. Otherwise known as his crack-cocaine. He needs it to sleep. I replaced his pipey and went back to Allie. Shockingly, she hadn’t moved an inch. I scooped her back up and was rocking her again, very proud that I handed this incredibly stressful and challenging situation. “Biiiissssy…,” I hear again. (That’s what my nephews call me. Long story. But I am Aunt Bissy.) Crap. Allie down and secured again, another run to Jared – this time to rub his back for a few minutes, give him his pipey and then escape back to check that Allie hasn’t walked to the other side of the room as I have pictured while I am putting Jared back to sleep. Success. Again, I felt proud. Which is pretty pathetic. But I did.

Not focusing on F today. Not focusing on my possible cholistasis and early induction. Just focusing on work. And then decorating – promise!!!

61 days to go!!! (or 40????)

Christmas Decorating Makes Everything All Better...Even Cholistasis

A rough night but better morning. Last night, around 9:30, I started thinking too much. I can’t believe work has been so slow. My paycheck is going to be awful next week. How am I going to pay all of my bills? That conversation with F about the cholistasis was beyond frustrating. Why can’t we just make things work? This is not how I envisioned my relationship with the father of my child. What if my baby really is in danger inside of me? The internet said cholistasis can cause still births. I do NOT want an induction. Please, God, no induction. And so, I went to bed. I called it a night. I am actually proud that I chose that option, as opposed to sitting up and thinking, getting myself worked up. (And no - all of those thoughts is not considered "worked up" to me.) Because this morning is already better.

I made a trip to Michael’s to buy things for my Christmas mason jar project – what beautiful holiday things they had! I spent close to $100 that I shouldn’t have (and no, not all of it will fit in mason jars), but it was all so pretty and I know that having my house decorated is going to make me so happy! And that’s good for Baby, right??!! It’s all about the baby ;) So later today and tonight, I will begin the decorating. I am heading out to Walmart shortly to buy things to bake some cookies as well – may as well go all the way. A regular Christmas-versioned Martha Stewart. But when work is slow, I may as well take advantage instead of sitting at my laptop all day, staring at my email, willing work to come in. That’s sort of pointless.

So a happy face it is today. Decorations, cookies, holidays – all good things to focus on in this crazy, crazy life. At least until I find out, officially, if I won the Power Ball last night. Then I may re-focus. :)

62 days to go (or 41…..)

New Doctor and New Condition...At This Stage??

Okay – no decorating got started. But I have a good excuse. Last night, my actual sonogram went really well. It started with F calling me an hour beforehand and telling me that him and his mother were going to get there 25 minutes early “just in case” the doctor was running early. I had to shake my head – if I wasn’t going early, was he going to have them do an ultrasound on his womb? (Head shake). Anyway, Baby looks great! They estimate him/her (her) to be at 4 lbs 9 oz – that sounded big to me with 9 weeks to go! But my belly measures perfectly so no worries. Every little part of the baby looked great and we got to see him/her (her) yawning and blinking and moving. It’s so very cool every single time.

But then I went in to meet with the doctor. My doctor has two doctors within the practice. Up until this point, I have been dealing with Dr. Erhart but last night I met with the other doctor for the first time. She comes in, listens to Baby's heartbeat, measures my belly – all the typical stuff. Everything looks and sounds “perfect.” Sigh of relief. Then she says, “Has anyone talked to you about your liver enzymes?” I told her not recently – I had them checked in earlier blood work just as a precaution because I had complained about itchiness very early on in my pregnancy. She explained that they are elevated and (and all of this came very quickly and as a blob of mixed information to me) I have a condition called cholistasis which can cause fetal distress later in pregnancy so they “like to take the baby” the moment it reaches full term. As of now, “full term” has typically been considered 37 weeks although March of Dimes and others are pushing for it to be changed until 39 weeks because of all the development that happens between those two weeks. Anyway, in the meantime, she tells me I will be sent for more blood work and will begin getting an ultrasound and a fetal monitor every week from now until I deliver. Then she handed me paperwork and left. I was sort of in shock and then spent the next fifteen minutes scheduling all of these appointments with the receptionist. I left upset. The last thing I wanted with this pregnancy was an induction. (And yes, I know. We can’t plan everything. And we don’t always get what we want. But this was where my head was at the moment – like the spoiled girl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who demands the Golden Ticket. I would refuse to have an induction.)

By the time I got to Michele’s, I was really confused. I felt like I didn’t ask her any questions nor did I express my concerns about the baby or an induction. I just nodded and smiled like a polite patient and was left…confused. I hadn’t really understood if I did have this cholistasis or if they think I might. I don’t understand what causes it and what I really need to be concerned about. There was also the financial aspect too that was beginning to stress me – it sounds menial compared to the other concerns, but it’s just as real. I have a $130 deductible charge for every sonogram and I just scheduled up to 9 more! Michele told me not to stress about anything until I spoke with Dr. Erhart (easy for her to say, although she is probably correct). So this morning I called and made an appointment with him for next week. One of the reasons I adore him is because he is very laid back and very calming. I am hoping he hasn’t lost this magic touch with me. So…I wait. Of course, I Googled things I shouldn’t have. I read the horror stories and, intellectually at least, dismissed them. But I’d be lying if I told you I slept well last night. I will write down all of my questions for Thursday and will take my mom with me so I don’t leave and feel like I did last night, “Wait – what did she say about that?”

But today is a new day. And I am off to watch my nephews and niece (I still can’t believe I have a niece) so Michele and Jay can run to Justin’s parent-teacher conference.

63 days to go!!! (Or, oh dear God, 42 if I have to go at full term…gulp)

Things are Looking Up

Today is a better day! If I declare it, it will be true. I woke up this morning excited because I have what should be my last sonogram tonight! I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and they will check on Baby’s size and make sure all looks good – I am just thrilled to get another peek inside because it’s been about 11 weeks since I have seen my Baby! I am bringing my mom, F, and F’s mom (who is thrilled because this is the first time she is coming with me). Eek – I get to see my baby and see what position he/she (she) is in and approximately what he/she (she) weighs. All very exciting. Then…they’ll tell me my weight. Ugh. But its worth it tonight.

Yesterday was a rough day for me but I spent the late afternoon/evening at Michele and Jay’s and holding Allie and playing with the boys is always enough to take my mind off of anything else. I then watched a TED video about happiness and, as they always do, the video motivated me to be happy – live in the moment. (Are you familiar with TED conferences? If you are not, download the app or log on immediately. These are intelligent, ingenious people from all disciplines in life that give speeches on the most fascinating topics which will amuse, amaze and humble you without fail.) The focus of the talk was that we are much happier when we are not “mind wandering” and when we are living in the now. Focusing on the task we are currently involved in. Thinking about what we are doing and who we are with in that moment. When we think ahead or think back or think about other things, our happiness decreases substantially. So right now, I am focused on writing this entry. Typically, I would be writing while I was watching the clock and thinking about what I have to accomplish right after this…but not today! Today you have all of me! (Shoot. I wonder if listening to music while I write and signing along is considered “mind wandering.” You think? If so, I have already failed. I can’t fight Matchbox 20’s Overjoyed. Sigh.)

And today I feel ready – physically – to have a baby in my house! Everything I received for my baby shower has been put together (thank you, Dad and Jay) and has been put in its place! The nursery, besides the mural on the wall, is complete; the high chair is in the kitchen, the Snap-n-Go is in the back of my car! The only thing left to do is pack my hospital bag which I will probably do this weekend. Just in case. I like to be prepared.

Now I feel like I can decorate for the holidays – it’s a lot of work that I could probably avoid, but I know it will make me happy. Wish I could have a glass of wine while I do so, but alas, I have about 8 more weeks to wait for that treat. That’s ok. Maybe that’s what I will start tonight – Christmas decorating. Yes, I think so. I know I will come home with energy after my doctor’s appointment so I will stop at Michael’s on my way home to buy fake red berries, candles and ribbon to make these adorable mason jar decorations I found on Pinterest. That’s the plan. I kind of like it. (I’ll let you know how that worked out tomorrow!) Seven hours until I see my Baby and…

…64 days to go!!!

Crank Pot!

I am cranky today. I know I shouldn’t be – I had a few days off of work, a very nice Thanksgiving with the extended family and time with my new niece. But I can’t help it – yesterday (usually one of my favorite days because it was a Sunday) was a waste for me. I got up and ready with the best of intentions and a To-Do list half a mile long, but then got a gas pain at around noon. It did not go away until 7:30 pm!!!!! Awful. Torture. I was in quite a bit of pain and spent the day doing anything anyone suggested to get rid of it: Tums, Gas-X (yes, I am allowed to take both while pregnant), moving around, lying still, drinking milk, eating, not eating – I tried it. I accomplished nothing. Grrr. Now today is Monday. Back to normalcy. Boo. (And people wonder why I can’t wait to have this baby on the outside!!??)

Also, I met with F two nights ago at my house to “talk.” That likely didn’t help my gas pains. I had a knot in my stomach leading up to his visit because two days prior to that, we had exchanged words on the phone. Very rarely do we both get upset, but we did that day and I try to avoid getting stressed and upset as much as possible these days. We are just on two very different pages right now and that leads to difficulty. He told me he is having trouble accepting that we are no longer together and might not ever be (certainly won’t be by the time Baby arrives). That colors his judgment of everything involving me, leading to his unhappiness, anger and frustration. I told him, quite honestly, that I did not know what I could do about that and that I have no clue how to make this situation better while he is still stuck in that place. He decided he may need some time away from me (not that we spend much time together) to fully move on. I acknowledged that that choice is his prerogative but that it would also come with consequences; in other words, if I don’t see him or hear from him for 6 weeks and then go into labor, I don’t want him upset when he’s not the one I am looking to for comfort and help. That seemed to puzzle him. I thought we had made some headway towards the end of the conversation but as he was walking out, he told me how he was out at a bar the night before, playing QuickDraw and hit for $550. Sigh. This after me mentioning how much this baby has already changed my life, especially financially! He doesn’t seem to get it yet.

So I need a new focus today. Or at least Starbucks ;) That always helps. Maybe I will treat myself to a Peppermint Mocha on my lunch break – always helps any mood I am in. (Yes, it’s caffeinated. Don’t judge. It’s just one grande.) And tonight I will try to make Christmas decorations with the million Mason jars I have left over from my baby shower. I hear there are some great ideas in Pinterest. I’ll share any great ones I may find. Starbucks and Pinterest should do the trick – cross your fingers :)

65 days to go!!!

30 Weeks and...Scared??!!

30 weeks today! This was a milestone for me. Laying in bed this morning, looking at my BabyBump app (proudly claiming “30 Weeks – 3^rd Trimester – 70 more days!), I was so thankful. I’m at the point where I can deliver any time now and still stay at St. Charles hospital (not be transferred to Stony Brook or elsewhere). It sounds insignificant, but it’s one less thing to worry about. So I woke up smiling and grateful and optimistic.

After playing my daily morning tune for Baby (“When You’ve Got Trouble, I’ve Got Trouble Too” by Liz Longley), I went in the shower to get ready for the day. Five minutes in, I started crying. Yes, actual crying – tears, snots, all of it. I was thinking back on last week when my sister had the baby and it just happened. Now, those of you who are cringing and thinking me a tad bit crazy have probably never been pregnant. Those of you who are smirking or even chuckling at that likely have carried a child. Maybe you cried over eating the last cooking or dropping something you couldn’t then pick up, but it happens: one minute you are fine, the next minute you are crying.

I realized that I am scared. I am so scared. I am scared of when the time comes. What if I can’t do it? What if I completely break down and cannot handle childbirth? What if I don’t do what I’m supposed to do? And, worse of all, what if I don’t react like a good mother? If I don’t respond like everyone else? It petrifies me. I want to make everyone proud. I want to make the baby proud. I want to make myself proud.

Eventually, I stopped crying. (That happens too). I am now back to being a functional adult, mentally running down my To-Do list today: work, put together bassinet, possibly return a few duplicate items from my baby shower before the holiday shopping rush begins the day after tomorrow. And I am back to focusing on all of the good in my life. No, the great: The front yard of my house is cleared out today because my father and brother-in-law did it yesterday. My living room is looking less and less like a Babies R Us stock room because I put some things away in the nursery yesterday. I have a busy day today only because tomorrow is a work-free, family and food-filled day. And…I am 30 weeks along with a health pregnancy and a growing little mush inside of me. No more tears today. I have way too much to be thankful for. I hope that if you are having a rough time today, you cry in the shower like this crazy girl and then re-focus yourself on all that you do have. Especially if that includes any little people that you created and now love. A very happy Thanksgiving to all!

70 days to go!!!

Breastfeeding Class

So – breastfeeding. Another completely “natural” thing that every woman talks up. (I hope this feels much more “natural” than my entire pregnancy has!) I attended a class at my OB/GYN’s office with a woman named Julie Ocon. She came highly recommended from the nurse that I took my birthing/Lamaze class with (and whom I loved). They are both nurses at St. Charles hospital in Port Jefferson where I will be delivering my little bundle. So far, everyone there has been fantastic and I think I am going to have a great experience. (It is also the hospital where I was born which is pretty damn cool!)

Anyway, there was only one other pregnant girl at the class besides myself. I say “girl” because she seemed a bit young to me – probably early twenties. Very early. She was also in my Lamaze class. It was great – one instructor, two pregnant women (and a friend of the younger girl who came for “moral support.”) Some of the class was a bit introductory for me as I feel like I have been around breastfeeding for most of my life. I have three younger siblings, innumerable younger cousins and now four nieces/nephews who were breastfed. But Julie then explained all of the positions you can hold the baby in and how to correctly latch (the entire areola, ladies, until they look like they are suffocating – not just the nipple!) and it made me feel… calm. Calm is a feeling that I go for – it is always better than the state I started in and brings me instant peace. Therefore, I loved Julie.

Some concerns: (1) the younger pregnant woman was reading the handouts and whispers to her friend, “Oh, awesome. I can’t get pregnant while I am breastfeeding.” The friend says, “Oh really? Cool.” Instant moral dilemma: do I butt out and mind my own business or do I warn her that this is not entirely accurate and save an unplanned, impending pregnancy? I took too long to work this out and the moment passed. She might be back in Lamaze in about 11 months. (2) Julie tells us we should not be actively dieting while we are breastfeeding and instead should take in an extra 200-300 calories daily. Younger pregnant woman says, “So I shouldn’t be eating healthy when I breastfeed?” Julie paused, but to her credit didn’t slap her, and said, “You should be eating healthy, just as you do during your pregnancy, but you should not be actively trying to lose weight.” Pregnant girl, “I don’t think I understand the difference.”

Sigh. I know it may sound mean, but these things make me feel so much better about becoming a mom. I can do this. I completely understand that I can get pregnant while breastfeeding and I also can tell you the difference, quite specifically, between eating healthy and actively dieting. So my baby and I are already a step up the way I see it. Right?

71 days to go!!!

Kisses, Snuggles, and Worries

What an Allie-filled weekend I have had – kisses, snuggles, photo shoots, diapers, and more kisses. I can’t get enough of her! Back to work this morning – very hard to do when I know she is only about 5 minutes away. I already am staring at the clock counting down until I can see her tonight. Makes me very excited…

So I promised an update on the F front. Nothing positive, unfortunately. This past week felt like a bit of a whirlwind for me and it’s been quite emotional at times. My sister having the baby made me think. A lot. Mostly, about what it will be like for me. It made me sad that the nights that she and Jay were the only ones left at the hospital might be very different for me. They probably couldn’t wait until everyone left and it was only them and the baby. I am wondering if I will feel the same. Can I share that much joy with someone whom I am not in a serious relationship with?

Our communication has completely broken down. Right before the hurricane, I started to become a bit disappointed and frustrated that F was not doing anything. He says a lot about what he wants and what he’s ready for, but I wasn’t seeing anything. I started to feel like, unless I initiated something (conversations, get-togethers, dinners with his parents), nothing would happen. I was correct. I stopped and it all stopped. He didn’t speak to me after the birthing class (which I thought went well) until he showed up at the end of my surprise shower. Since then, not a word. He sent a beautiful (and delicious) Edible Arrangements gift to my sister in the hospital yet didn’t even acknowledge my niece to me – not a text, phone call, Facebook message, nothing. That was a point well made (although the reason behind the point is very unclear to me). I have been telling others and myself that it wasn’t bothering me – that this was his choice and I was not here to always fix everything – but it was bothering me. So yesterday morning, I called him in the hopes of having a talk about whatever it is that is going on with him. He didn’t pick up and then didn’t call me back for more than 8 hours later. Even then, he called my house and didn’t even try my cell. That spoke volumes as well. So, alas, today I will try again even though part of me feels it shouldn’t have to be me always trying to make things right. But I don’t know what else to do.

I look at baby Allie and when I tell you, my heart swells with how much I love her already. I don’t want my own experience with my own baby to be hindered, in the least, by a stressful situation between F and I. But I’m just afraid because it takes two and I am not getting the cooperation from him. (It drives me crazy, also, when something doesn’t make sense to me. And this just makes no sense. None.) I will continue to try, though. I don’t know what else to do.

In the meantime, my living room still looks like Babies R us and Buy Buy Baby threw up. I have not put away one item from my baby shower! Hopefully this week!  And tomorrow I will tell you about the breastfeeding class I attended in case any of you are looking for one – it was wonderful!

72 days to go!!!