Things are Looking Up

Today is a better day! If I declare it, it will be true. I woke up this morning excited because I have what should be my last sonogram tonight! I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and they will check on Baby’s size and make sure all looks good – I am just thrilled to get another peek inside because it’s been about 11 weeks since I have seen my Baby! I am bringing my mom, F, and F’s mom (who is thrilled because this is the first time she is coming with me). Eek – I get to see my baby and see what position he/she (she) is in and approximately what he/she (she) weighs. All very exciting. Then…they’ll tell me my weight. Ugh. But its worth it tonight.

Yesterday was a rough day for me but I spent the late afternoon/evening at Michele and Jay’s and holding Allie and playing with the boys is always enough to take my mind off of anything else. I then watched a TED video about happiness and, as they always do, the video motivated me to be happy – live in the moment. (Are you familiar with TED conferences? If you are not, download the app or log on immediately. These are intelligent, ingenious people from all disciplines in life that give speeches on the most fascinating topics which will amuse, amaze and humble you without fail.) The focus of the talk was that we are much happier when we are not “mind wandering” and when we are living in the now. Focusing on the task we are currently involved in. Thinking about what we are doing and who we are with in that moment. When we think ahead or think back or think about other things, our happiness decreases substantially. So right now, I am focused on writing this entry. Typically, I would be writing while I was watching the clock and thinking about what I have to accomplish right after this…but not today! Today you have all of me! (Shoot. I wonder if listening to music while I write and signing along is considered “mind wandering.” You think? If so, I have already failed. I can’t fight Matchbox 20’s Overjoyed. Sigh.)

And today I feel ready – physically – to have a baby in my house! Everything I received for my baby shower has been put together (thank you, Dad and Jay) and has been put in its place! The nursery, besides the mural on the wall, is complete; the high chair is in the kitchen, the Snap-n-Go is in the back of my car! The only thing left to do is pack my hospital bag which I will probably do this weekend. Just in case. I like to be prepared.

Now I feel like I can decorate for the holidays – it’s a lot of work that I could probably avoid, but I know it will make me happy. Wish I could have a glass of wine while I do so, but alas, I have about 8 more weeks to wait for that treat. That’s ok. Maybe that’s what I will start tonight – Christmas decorating. Yes, I think so. I know I will come home with energy after my doctor’s appointment so I will stop at Michael’s on my way home to buy fake red berries, candles and ribbon to make these adorable mason jar decorations I found on Pinterest. That’s the plan. I kind of like it. (I’ll let you know how that worked out tomorrow!) Seven hours until I see my Baby and…

…64 days to go!!!

Kisses, Snuggles, and Worries

What an Allie-filled weekend I have had – kisses, snuggles, photo shoots, diapers, and more kisses. I can’t get enough of her! Back to work this morning – very hard to do when I know she is only about 5 minutes away. I already am staring at the clock counting down until I can see her tonight. Makes me very excited…

So I promised an update on the F front. Nothing positive, unfortunately. This past week felt like a bit of a whirlwind for me and it’s been quite emotional at times. My sister having the baby made me think. A lot. Mostly, about what it will be like for me. It made me sad that the nights that she and Jay were the only ones left at the hospital might be very different for me. They probably couldn’t wait until everyone left and it was only them and the baby. I am wondering if I will feel the same. Can I share that much joy with someone whom I am not in a serious relationship with?

Our communication has completely broken down. Right before the hurricane, I started to become a bit disappointed and frustrated that F was not doing anything. He says a lot about what he wants and what he’s ready for, but I wasn’t seeing anything. I started to feel like, unless I initiated something (conversations, get-togethers, dinners with his parents), nothing would happen. I was correct. I stopped and it all stopped. He didn’t speak to me after the birthing class (which I thought went well) until he showed up at the end of my surprise shower. Since then, not a word. He sent a beautiful (and delicious) Edible Arrangements gift to my sister in the hospital yet didn’t even acknowledge my niece to me – not a text, phone call, Facebook message, nothing. That was a point well made (although the reason behind the point is very unclear to me). I have been telling others and myself that it wasn’t bothering me – that this was his choice and I was not here to always fix everything – but it was bothering me. So yesterday morning, I called him in the hopes of having a talk about whatever it is that is going on with him. He didn’t pick up and then didn’t call me back for more than 8 hours later. Even then, he called my house and didn’t even try my cell. That spoke volumes as well. So, alas, today I will try again even though part of me feels it shouldn’t have to be me always trying to make things right. But I don’t know what else to do.

I look at baby Allie and when I tell you, my heart swells with how much I love her already. I don’t want my own experience with my own baby to be hindered, in the least, by a stressful situation between F and I. But I’m just afraid because it takes two and I am not getting the cooperation from him. (It drives me crazy, also, when something doesn’t make sense to me. And this just makes no sense. None.) I will continue to try, though. I don’t know what else to do.

In the meantime, my living room still looks like Babies R us and Buy Buy Baby threw up. I have not put away one item from my baby shower! Hopefully this week!  And tomorrow I will tell you about the breastfeeding class I attended in case any of you are looking for one – it was wonderful!

72 days to go!!!

My Baby Shower!

What a weekend Baby and I had – it was my baby shower!!! I was completely surprised (shocked is as close as you can get to describe it) and overwhelmed! I was supposed to be watching my three nephews on Saturday so that my Michele and Jay could go to a family party. She texted me at noon and said she was running late (not unusual) and she’d bring them by closer to one. At 12:30 she called, in tears, and said, “Can you please come get me? My car won’t start at Home Goods and the boys are going nuts!” I left the house like a lunatic, rushing there, so stressed that she was going to cry and then go into labor! When I was about halfway there (dressed, mind you, in a not-so-nice sweater, jeans and boots) she texted me that she was walking – walking – to my aunt’s who lives close by (but not close enough). I freaked out even more and told her NOT to do that! I could picture her walking down Route 347 with the three boys, nine months pregnant – I was pissed! I swear to you, I almost got diarrhea on the way there, I was so stressed. Then she texted that she made it there safely and to meet them at the clubhouse where the boys were now having fun playing pool with our uncle. I pulled up like a crazy person (after calling my mother’s cell phone, her car phone, Jay’s house and cell phone and anyone else I could think of to yell at on repeat) only to look up and see close to fifty people that I know and love standing on the porch of the clubhouse. I thought, “Oh dear God, this is happening.” I then cried for a few minutes because I was so relieved my stupid sister didn’t walk down Route 347 with three kids and then because I was so overcome with emotions – surprise, appreciation, nervousness – you get the idea. Plus the hormones. Always blame the hormones.

My mom and two sisters created the most stunning, classy baby shower I could ever have asked for: Panera iced green tea (my fave!) in mason jars, yellow and green balloons, yellow flowers on every table next to cream-colored stuffed animals – it was beautiful and my description will do it no justice. The dessert table looked like a professional company had come in and created it – but my two sisters did it. (Gotta love Pinterest!) When they managed to do all of this, I don’t know, because I am always around! What a beautiful afternoon – I had friends there from my first teaching job and from law school and also, of course, every female representative from my huge, extended, loud, crazy family.

When I got home that night, after F and his parents left (they came back to my parents’ after the shower to help unload the gifts and eat leftovers), I couldn’t stop smiling. Looking around my living room, overflowing with gifts for Baby, I was the happiest girl in the world. I feel so blessed. I am surrounded with people that love and support me and, better yet, people that already love this baby. As my friend Amanda said the following day, “It looked like Babies R Us threw up!” And it did. It still does. I will spend some time today, with Michele and my mom’s help, going through everything and starting to organize it. I received everything I could possible need to get this baby off to a great start. How lucky am I? How grateful? I can’t tell you. The shower was so…me. My sisters and mom nailed it – when Michele handed me the green tea in the mason jar when I walked in, I swear my heart swelled. I thought, “this is PERFECT.”

My cup runneth over…

79 days to go!!! (We’re in the seventies!!!)