Collecting All Prayers and Positive Thoughts....

I am so beyond grateful to every single person who has offered me support in the past few months (and especially in the past few hours). Tomorrow is likely going to be one of the hardest days of my life and hearing all of the messages people are sending me truly makes a difference. I know that, if nothing else, I am not alone.

After meeting with my attorney today, I was more confused than ever. She still seems to think that a settlement is possible, however she acknowledges that F and I are worlds apart. Here is how I am thinking of my options as of right now:

Option A: We meet tomorrow with the goal of settling. This likely means I cave on a number of things. I am not leaning this way. As mentioned in my earlier post, there are just too many ridiculous, disruptive, unreasonable requests that are not in her best interests nor are they practical. If there is any way we do settle, we will have joint legal custody and I will or will not have "final say."

Option B: We proceed to trial. Here, there are any number of outcomes. 
  
                My Best Case: I seek and get sole custody. The judge delays the overnights until at least one year
                old so that she can have milk at night. He gets one weeknight visit per week.

               My Worst Case: Judge orders joint custody (not really a loss since I was offering that all along). 
               She orders overnights to begin immediately and he gets her for a full weekend. He gets two                          weeknight visits per week.

              Most Likely: some combination of the above. Maybe I get sole custody but he gets the visitation he               wants immediately. Or maybe we get joint custody but visitation goes my way.

Now the weighing begins....If she were two years old, I would go to trial in a heartbeat. I will never want him to have overnights. Ever. But this isn't, and hasn't been, about me. If she were two, I could explain it to her: "You are going with daddy for two nights and you are staying at Grandma and Grandpa's and you are going to have so much fun! Mommy will see you in two days and you can call me if you miss me!" Then she could have her milk, go to sleep and I can miss her. But she's not two. And I can't explain any of that. And she can't just have her milk and go to sleep. So it sucks for her. Completely sucks. Am I willing to risk that in order to (1) try for sole custody (and not have to consult him and deal with the arguing and bullying for the rest of my life); (2) get less frequent weekday visitation (less disruption to my schedule AND hers, less time she is being put in the car and driven around every week); and (3) not deal with any of the other unreasonable requests (the Skyping and the scheduling dr's appointments around his schedule and the 24-hour notice of earlier visitation times and the written notice of any "activities or events" planned for her - the list goes on and on...)? I don't know.

I will sleep on it. You know how much sleep I will get tonight? Yes, you do. So, again - I am shamelessly collecting prayers and positive thoughts. All I want is an outcome that is fair to my baby - not to me, not to him. No one is "winning" here. I just don't want her to lose.

Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO

Stuck In The Middle

I've been avoiding writing about my life here - maybe subconsciously, maybe not. The truth is, it depends what moment you catch me. Right now, at this moment, I am what I'm starting to think of as "stuck in the middle." I'm not in a bad place, but I'm not overly happy. Juliette goes with her father tomorrow from 9:45 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. It is a really long day for me. I get up with her in the morning and feed her really quickly. I then have to make sure she nurses for a full session at almost exactly 9:30 so that she's done when he gets here and it holds her over until noon. At noon, I go to F's parents' house to nurse her. I then try to get her to nap in the crib, but it isn't easy there because I can't leave her with my phone playing music (because then I am stuck there or I have to leave my phone). I had been picking her up at 3:30 pm every Saturday but now he is supposed to have an extra hour starting this month. I am really upset about this because she is typically starving at 3:30 when I get her and I need to feed her immediately. I don't know how she is going to do with an additional hour. And I know he will certainly not call me and tell me to come get her because things are not good between us. Although that shouldn't matter in the least, I have seen his true colors and I know that not only does it matter, but it controls everything. It sucks. 

I am trying so hard not to let this get me into a negative place. We had such a great day today and a great night - celebrated my brother Matt's 30th birthday. We also have a great weekend to look forward to - fireworks tomorrow night at our beach followed by Sunday dinner and a special viewing party for a show on Sunday (will blog about that next week - a whole story itself that I need to share!) 

But it's hard. It's really hard. I hate this for her. I hate that she has to be away from me for so long. I hate that she is going to want to nurse and I would know that. And I would feed her. But I won't be there and he will not acknowledge it so she will just have to deal with it - at eight months old.  I know I am not the most objective person, but I find it so selfish. Because of what he wants and what works best for him, she has to adapt. And possibly be unhappy. And possibly be hungry. I'm not saying he shouldn't see her and have time with her, but I don't know how - as her parent - you can just pretend that it's not an issue. He thinks because he is her "father," she should just be fine with him. He doesn't respect the fact that there are just certain things a father cannot do and he certainly doesn't defer to me as her mother in any sense. His last comment to me was not as coherent as this but he was trying to say that I, in no way, exemplify a good mother. This, when he knows 100%, that I am a damn good mother. Honestly, I don't care what he thinks about me. Not as a mother, not as a person. He is not God, he is not my child and therefore his rating of me as a mother is irrelevant to my life. But the fact that he cannot put her first and say, "Listen, I know she can't go more than three hours without nursing so why don't we just keep it at 3:30 until that changes? I don't want her to be hungry or upset" - I will never, ever understand that. I do understand that it's not "fair" and it's not "convenient" or easy, but it's not any of those things for me either. Let's not forget that for 8 solid months, I have been available to breastfeed this baby every two hours (three at the longest) no matter what day it is, what is going on, where we are, etc... It is not always convenient or easy for me either. I certainly would not otherwise choose to spend my Saturday afternoons at his parents' house in a room upstairs on a kitchen chair breastfeeding my daughter. But it's what is best for her so I sacrifice happily. He cannot and has not done the same. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, incomprehensible, and infuriating to me. 

But I really am trying not to dwell on it - I will go crazy. I am trying, trying to picture tomorrow at 4:30 when I get her in my car and I can sing to her and drive her home and then the rest of our weekend can begin. I am trying to visualize nursing her tomorrow evening at home, comforting her, knowing she is full and content. But I'm only human and it's hard. It's very, very hard.

Pray tomorrow goes quickly for my baby girl please.

Love,
Momma and Juliette
XOXO