It's over. I apologize but I am too drained and too exhausted to rehash it all. What I will tell you right now is that I am blessed. Yesterday was, by far, the worst day of my life. I will certainly go into more detail very soon so that others can learn from my experience. But for now, I will tell you that I came home yesterday and took care of my baby. I played with her, fed her, laughed with her and then tucked her in. I then sobbed. Like, tenth-grade-boyfriend-broke-up-with-me sobbing. And I got it all out because I knew that when I woke up today, it was the beginning of the rest of my life.
Time for some big-girl panties. No more crying (at least not ever, ever in front of my daughter). No more second guessing myself, no more doubts, or regrets, or I-should-have's. Time to face the cards I've been dealt, realize all I do have, and stop allowing him to steal joy from my life.
I created a Note on my phone that says, "She is here. She is healthy. She is mine." It will be my reminder. My kick in the ass when I need it. There are parents that would sell their souls to be in my position - to have a healthy, happy baby here that they "just" have to share. There are parents like my new friend, J, who have been through hell (real hell - not family court hell) and back AND dealt with what I am dealing with - and come through heads and shoulders above 99% of the people I know. This encourages me. These people inspire me.
How dare I wallow? How can I have the nerve to spend another minute feeling badly for myself? I cannot. And so today, Juliette and I's future began again. I have the best blessing I have ever been given. And that is what I will think about lying in bed at night. My baby girl.
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Showing posts with label court. Show all posts
Showing posts with label court. Show all posts
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Collecting All Prayers and Positive Thoughts....
I am so beyond grateful to every single person who has offered me support in the past few months (and especially in the past few hours). Tomorrow is likely going to be one of the hardest days of my life and hearing all of the messages people are sending me truly makes a difference. I know that, if nothing else, I am not alone.
After meeting with my attorney today, I was more confused than ever. She still seems to think that a settlement is possible, however she acknowledges that F and I are worlds apart. Here is how I am thinking of my options as of right now:
Option A: We meet tomorrow with the goal of settling. This likely means I cave on a number of things. I am not leaning this way. As mentioned in my earlier post, there are just too many ridiculous, disruptive, unreasonable requests that are not in her best interests nor are they practical. If there is any way we do settle, we will have joint legal custody and I will or will not have "final say."
Option B: We proceed to trial. Here, there are any number of outcomes.
My Best Case: I seek and get sole custody. The judge delays the overnights until at least one year
old so that she can have milk at night. He gets one weeknight visit per week.
My Worst Case: Judge orders joint custody (not really a loss since I was offering that all along).
She orders overnights to begin immediately and he gets her for a full weekend. He gets two weeknight visits per week.
Most Likely: some combination of the above. Maybe I get sole custody but he gets the visitation he wants immediately. Or maybe we get joint custody but visitation goes my way.
Now the weighing begins....If she were two years old, I would go to trial in a heartbeat. I will never want him to have overnights. Ever. But this isn't, and hasn't been, about me. If she were two, I could explain it to her: "You are going with daddy for two nights and you are staying at Grandma and Grandpa's and you are going to have so much fun! Mommy will see you in two days and you can call me if you miss me!" Then she could have her milk, go to sleep and I can miss her. But she's not two. And I can't explain any of that. And she can't just have her milk and go to sleep. So it sucks for her. Completely sucks. Am I willing to risk that in order to (1) try for sole custody (and not have to consult him and deal with the arguing and bullying for the rest of my life); (2) get less frequent weekday visitation (less disruption to my schedule AND hers, less time she is being put in the car and driven around every week); and (3) not deal with any of the other unreasonable requests (the Skyping and the scheduling dr's appointments around his schedule and the 24-hour notice of earlier visitation times and the written notice of any "activities or events" planned for her - the list goes on and on...)? I don't know.
I will sleep on it. You know how much sleep I will get tonight? Yes, you do. So, again - I am shamelessly collecting prayers and positive thoughts. All I want is an outcome that is fair to my baby - not to me, not to him. No one is "winning" here. I just don't want her to lose.
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
After meeting with my attorney today, I was more confused than ever. She still seems to think that a settlement is possible, however she acknowledges that F and I are worlds apart. Here is how I am thinking of my options as of right now:
Option A: We meet tomorrow with the goal of settling. This likely means I cave on a number of things. I am not leaning this way. As mentioned in my earlier post, there are just too many ridiculous, disruptive, unreasonable requests that are not in her best interests nor are they practical. If there is any way we do settle, we will have joint legal custody and I will or will not have "final say."
Option B: We proceed to trial. Here, there are any number of outcomes.
My Best Case: I seek and get sole custody. The judge delays the overnights until at least one year
old so that she can have milk at night. He gets one weeknight visit per week.
My Worst Case: Judge orders joint custody (not really a loss since I was offering that all along).
She orders overnights to begin immediately and he gets her for a full weekend. He gets two weeknight visits per week.
Most Likely: some combination of the above. Maybe I get sole custody but he gets the visitation he wants immediately. Or maybe we get joint custody but visitation goes my way.
Now the weighing begins....If she were two years old, I would go to trial in a heartbeat. I will never want him to have overnights. Ever. But this isn't, and hasn't been, about me. If she were two, I could explain it to her: "You are going with daddy for two nights and you are staying at Grandma and Grandpa's and you are going to have so much fun! Mommy will see you in two days and you can call me if you miss me!" Then she could have her milk, go to sleep and I can miss her. But she's not two. And I can't explain any of that. And she can't just have her milk and go to sleep. So it sucks for her. Completely sucks. Am I willing to risk that in order to (1) try for sole custody (and not have to consult him and deal with the arguing and bullying for the rest of my life); (2) get less frequent weekday visitation (less disruption to my schedule AND hers, less time she is being put in the car and driven around every week); and (3) not deal with any of the other unreasonable requests (the Skyping and the scheduling dr's appointments around his schedule and the 24-hour notice of earlier visitation times and the written notice of any "activities or events" planned for her - the list goes on and on...)? I don't know.
I will sleep on it. You know how much sleep I will get tonight? Yes, you do. So, again - I am shamelessly collecting prayers and positive thoughts. All I want is an outcome that is fair to my baby - not to me, not to him. No one is "winning" here. I just don't want her to lose.
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Monday, October 14, 2013
Less Than 48 Hours...
So here we are. The week I thought would never come. Tomorrow I meet with my attorney to prepare for a trial. I am having a trial. If you asked me at any point in my life if I thought I would ever be in this position, I would have thought you crazy. Completely. And yet, in less than 48 hours, I will be putting my daughter's fate in a complete stranger's hands.
Some people may think, "then why are you doing that? Why can't you agree with him?" Well, I just cannot. He wants so many things that I am opposed to for so many reasons. Here are some examples:
Some people may think, "then why are you doing that? Why can't you agree with him?" Well, I just cannot. He wants so many things that I am opposed to for so many reasons. Here are some examples:
- Overnights: He wants them either now or at 1 year old. By 18 months old, he wants her for two consecutive nights. At 2 1/2 years old, he wants her for a full week away from me. At 3, he wants her for TWO consecutive weeks away from me. Not a chance. [Mind you, she is 8 months old. She is exclusively breastfed, never had a bottle of even pumped milk. She co-sleeps with me - has never spent a night not next to me. This doesn't seem to matter to him. Additionally, we live about 25 minutes away from one another. I don't think two consecutive weeks are ever necessary unless special circumstances require it.]
- At 2: He wants alternating weekends and two weeknights per week. I wanted one weeknight per week. I offered to split the difference and do one weeknight the weeks preceding his weekends and two nights the week before my weekends. He refused.
- He wants 72-hour written notice of any "event or activity" I plan for her. [Need I comment?]
- He wants to be able to give me 24-hour notice to call and say, "Instead of taking her tomorrow night from 5:30 - 8 pm as planned, I am getting her at 10 am until 8 pm." That's at 2 years old. Once she's 3, he wants to be able to do the same, except pick her up the night before. [No. I am entitled to a predictable routine as is she. I am entitled to make plans and not have to change them within 24 hours because he decided to take off of work. This is way too open-ended and he'd take advantage as he does with everything else.]
- He wants me to need his written consent to move. Across the street. Down the block. Next town over. Anywhere. [Don't think so. He is not my keeper. By the way, he lives somewhere he can't even take her right now and alleges he will be moving out anytime now. So apparently, he can pick up and move as he sees fit but I cannot. The chances of me moving are slim to none. I own my house, live next door to my parents and just had a complete home makeover. But that is besides the point.]
- His holiday requests are not in her best interest either. He wants her the day before the holiday, the day of, and the day after. [I don't feel it's appropriate to make her be away from either side of the family for all three days surrounding a holiday - it's selfish. We live close. There is no reason we can't split days or just do a full day with alternating years. Again, it's never enough for him.]
- He wants me to be mandated to "return his calls/Facetime/Skype as soon as possible" after he reaches out when it is my parenting time. [For a normal person, this may not seem like a terrible idea. However, this is a person who sends me weekly video messages for an 8 month old. He's been sending them since she's 3 months old. When I give her my phone, she licks it. She does not understand a video message. He also "demanded" a daily pic and video before I put her to bed every night beginning when she was around 3 weeks old because, apparently, I had nothing else going on here to worry about. I'm only a first time mom, here by myself, trying to get my baby on a routine and breastfeed her and it is demanded that I stop to send a video of a motionless, soundless baby right before she crashes for the night. Impracticable.]
These are just the highlights. I cannot agree to ridiculous things that will impact my daughter's future and mine in such a consistent, disruptive manner. I cannot do it. I also proposed joint custody for the sake of reaching an agreement but now that that has not happened, I will seek sold custody. It is clear that we are not able to communicate with one another about her best interests. At all.
I feel I have no choice. I have to fight for her and somewhere in the midst of that fight, I need to fight for myself. He gets to come in, think only of himself, fight for whatever he wants and if he "loses, " he loses. As he said to me months ago, he has "nothing to lose." So he will drag the mother of his child through a trial because, hey - why not?
His daughter's week, by the way, is also going to suck. He doesn't think about that. She has a stressed out mom who is consumed by this, to begin with. She will spend the day at the attorney's office tomorrow. She will be woken up and dragged to court on Wednesday where she will remain with my sister until I am free to come breastfeed her (which I am confident will not be on the schedule she is accustomed to). She will then eat in the car where we try not to bump her head on doors and windows and gear shifters. Then she gets to be taken home by a stressed out mother and it may possibly repeat the next day. It's awful. I am tearing up just thinking about it.
He picked her up this morning at 9:30 and I had my father answer the door and bring her out. I am sure he was surprised by that, but good. Hopefully it sent a message to him: if you can't behave like a respectful, normal adult, you get no contact. When he brought her back at 1, my father had just run out so I had to get the door. I didn't even look at his face - ever. I can't bring myself to. I have lost all respect for him - every ounce. I took her from him, came inside and shut the door. I wish I could shut the door of my life on him.
So - if you are reading this, we are accepting all prayers. All positive thoughts. All good vibes. I truly believe in the power of positive thinking and of good people and will gladly accept anything you have to offer in that department.
Keep us in mind and send me strength as well.
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Friday, October 11, 2013
And This Is My Life...
I know I mentioned that I would tell a story in my next post, and I promise I will get to that very soon, but some other things have developed since then and I'd be lying if I said I could think about anything else.
I am facing the fact that in five days, I will be going to trial over custody and visitation of my daughter. Even reading back those words - seeing them in print - brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe that this is my life. I do not know how I ended up here. It's surreal in the most awful way possible.
I am sharing this for a few reasons. One of them is that writing helps me vent - it organizes my thoughts, it expels things from my head and sometimes - not always, but sometimes - I feel a bit of relief afterwards. Another reason is to memorialize all of this - how I am feeling, what has happened. I want a record of this so that afterwards, when things settle a bit, I will never forget how I was feeling and what I went through. A third reason is the most hopeful reason - I hope that it can, one day, help at least one other person. Being in this situation, I have reached out to other women who have been in similar circumstances. Hearing their experiences, good or bad, helps me tremendously. It gives me some heads up about what I can expect and more importantly, it makes me feel less alone. Someone else, somewhere out there, has traveled a similar road and made it.
It would be nearly impossible to capture in words, nevertheless in blog entries, what I have been through with F. Impossible. For now, I will update some of the facts about our current status. We have our trial date set for this coming Wednesday. It has been set for about two months. Leading up to that date being set, we have been to court numerous times already - I lost track. Each time is especially awful and I cannot tell you how much I hate (and that's a very strong word, but accurate) being in that building. In that environment. It makes me physically ill every time I have gone there. Each time at court so far has been fairly similar. I meet my attorney there at our appointed time. My attorney and his attorney go in to speak to the judge. The judge tells us to try and work it out among ourselves. We talk in the hallway trying to come to some agreement about visitation. In the past, we were able to come up with a temporary agreement for the next few months. Other times, we get nowhere. We then get assigned another date to return for yet another conference. The judge will then ask - again - if we have come to a settlement. The attorneys say no and they assign another date in the future, telling us to again try to work it out before then. Well, we have used up all of those adjournments and conferences. It is now time to get the case taken care of. (The Family Court has these things called "Standards and Goals" and they state that the case must be completed within 6 months of being filed. I filed in April so by November, it needs to be completed. The judge will not schedule a trial last-minute in case it needs to get pushed back for an emergency, hence the mid-October date set for us.)
In the past few weeks, we have been sending proposals back and forth. First, F and I started this on our own without attorneys. I sent him what I wanted. I told him it was my bottom line - it was. He didn't believe me and sent it back with a ton of changes and additions. I agreed to some minor changes but nothing major and sent it back again. He then got extremely pissed off at me because he asked to change one of his scheduled visitation dates. I told him I would accommodate him for that change and for many more in the future if he would just agree, sign the settlement, and allow us to move forward from all of this. He told me I was "blackmailing" him (the same thing he said when I went for child support). I don't think he understands the meaning of that word. I refuse to fight with him, especially when he resorts to personal attacks and attacks about me as a mother via text. I ignored him and then started going through my attorney once more.
My attorney and I then receive yet another proposal from him and it contained some ludicrous things that I would never, ever agree to (a full week away from me when she is 2 1/2 years old; 24 hour notice to pick her up at 10 am on some days instead of 5:30 pm and keeping her until 8 pm, 2 consecutive weeks away from me when she is 3 years old, etc...) I met with my attorney, we went through it in detail and then sent it back. That was last week - my attorney has heard nothing. Neither had I...until last night.
F, again, wanted to change his upcoming visitation time for the weekend. He is supposed to have her on Saturday for the day and wanted to switch it to Sunday. I explained at court (where he asked through his attorney) that I could not - I have a family even planned on Sunday. My attorney convinced me to allow him to take her Monday instead. I agreed but said she had to be home a couple of hours earlier than usual because I have plans later in the day. F was going to see if he could get off work to take her. I heard nothing.
Last night, he brought her home at 8 pm when his weekday visitation was over. I still didn't know what was going on for this weekend so I asked if he was taking her on Saturday. He said no, that he was taking her Monday and I said, "Ok, but she needs to be back by 1 then." Then he lost it. Flipped out. Got nasty immediately and started asking why. I explained I had plans and he responded by asking, "what is more important than her spending time with her father?!" I think he had temporary amnesia and forgot that HE was the one who had uber-important plans on Saturday and was cancelling his regularly scheduled day with her. I didn't reply because he was heated. I was holding the baby and he was in my house (no one else was around). I said, "I am accommodating you and if you aren't happy with 1 on Monday, you can have her at the regular time on Saturday." He continued to raise his voice and say sarcastic things. I finally said, "Get out." As he was fighting with me, he was leaning over me, trying to kiss the baby. I was backing up instinctually. He then said, "the proposal you sent me was a disgrace, Liz. So I will see you Wednesday and we will let the cards fall where they may." Well that just pissed me off - he was continuing to fight with me even though I stopped speaking and was telling him to get out. I said, "well then I am not accommodating you anymore. You can have her Saturday or not at all." I shut the door and locked it. He was then yelling from outside my house, "I will BE here Monday, Liz! I will be here!" I said, "well we will not be."
Then I was scared. I was shaking and on the verge of tears. That's when the hatred comes - how dare he? How dare he speak to me like that? How dare he pull that shit in front of HIS child? She is a baby. I held it together long enough to nurse her and put her into bed and then I lost it. For the first time, I was scared to be in my house alone. I pulled all of the curtains closed. I locked and double and triple-checked my front door. I called my brother-in-law but he was with all of his kids and couldn't come over. I knew my sister would be home shortly so I stayed on the phone with my brother-in-law until she got here. I hated him. He manages to twist absolutely everything around. He forgets that he has refused to compromise with me. We have court-ordered visitation scheduled. When he wanted me to pick her up 20 minutes early two weeks ago so he could get his haircut, I did. When he had to change last week to go to a Yankee game, I changed. When he wants to change this weekend, I gave him an alternative. I don't HAVE to do that. Instead of playing nice (even if it's completely fake) he comes in here acting entitled and angry and childish. He is then nasty and disrespectful. It truly blows my mind. Then I know - with 100% certainty - that he leaves here feeling like the victim! It's not normal. He is delusional.
Of course today, he called his attorney who called my attorney who reached out to me (so this cost us each no less than $150) about it. His attorney said that HE was trying to accommodate MY schedule and I "adamantly refused" and then "threatened to not make the baby available on Monday." Well, it was partly true. I reminded everyone that I was the one accommodating HIM. And I didn't "threaten" to not make her available, I told him she no longer would be. That's a fact, not a threat. Long story - my attorney convinced me to offer back either his regularly scheduled Saturday time or the shorter time on Monday that I originally offered. I did so for my daughter's sake and for my attorney's. Certainly not for his. I will now have my father here when he comes to get her on Monday and we will see if he mouths off to him. We'll see if he's still such a bully and so nasty. I doubt it.
In the meantime, I have a meeting with my attorney at 2 pm on Tuesday to prepare for a 9:30 am trial on Wednesday. To say I am flipping out is an understatement. I am fighting for my child - I am the ONLY one in this entire disaster of a situation that has HER best interests at heart. He has shown me- again and again - that he has not grown up. He will never put her first - it is all a battle between him and I in his eyes. He cannot see past his resentment of me and it is so, so sad. So pathetic. He feels badly for himself and he wants to "win." He wants to "show me." What he doesn't realize is that neither of us will "win." Our daughter is losing. She is losing the hope for two parents to ever peacefully co-parent. She is losing the chance of having a father that her mother respects.
So my daughter will now spend Tuesday afternoon at an attorney's office. She will then spend the entire day on Wednesday at Family Court. If he "wins," he will get her for a full weekend starting soon. Then she really loses. She loses the comfort and security of her home, her bed, her mother, the only food she knows. She likely loses her trust in me for leaving her for two days and will lose trust in her father because when she is with him, she will know she is missing other things (like her mother and her right to breastfeed). To say it is sad is an injustice - it is heartwrenching. But it seems I am the only one who cares about that.
I will spend the rest of my weekend loving her up and preparing for a trial on my own. I am going in there fighting for her - every step of the way. I will argue about breastfeeding and attachment parenting and co-sleeping and her rights. I will argue about overnights and age-appropriateness. I will seek sole custody because now he will "get" only what a judge orders me to give him. He has lost my respect and therefore anything I would have voluntarily agreed to. My heart is so sad and I still cannot believe that this is my life.
Please say prayers for us,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
I am facing the fact that in five days, I will be going to trial over custody and visitation of my daughter. Even reading back those words - seeing them in print - brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe that this is my life. I do not know how I ended up here. It's surreal in the most awful way possible.
I am sharing this for a few reasons. One of them is that writing helps me vent - it organizes my thoughts, it expels things from my head and sometimes - not always, but sometimes - I feel a bit of relief afterwards. Another reason is to memorialize all of this - how I am feeling, what has happened. I want a record of this so that afterwards, when things settle a bit, I will never forget how I was feeling and what I went through. A third reason is the most hopeful reason - I hope that it can, one day, help at least one other person. Being in this situation, I have reached out to other women who have been in similar circumstances. Hearing their experiences, good or bad, helps me tremendously. It gives me some heads up about what I can expect and more importantly, it makes me feel less alone. Someone else, somewhere out there, has traveled a similar road and made it.
It would be nearly impossible to capture in words, nevertheless in blog entries, what I have been through with F. Impossible. For now, I will update some of the facts about our current status. We have our trial date set for this coming Wednesday. It has been set for about two months. Leading up to that date being set, we have been to court numerous times already - I lost track. Each time is especially awful and I cannot tell you how much I hate (and that's a very strong word, but accurate) being in that building. In that environment. It makes me physically ill every time I have gone there. Each time at court so far has been fairly similar. I meet my attorney there at our appointed time. My attorney and his attorney go in to speak to the judge. The judge tells us to try and work it out among ourselves. We talk in the hallway trying to come to some agreement about visitation. In the past, we were able to come up with a temporary agreement for the next few months. Other times, we get nowhere. We then get assigned another date to return for yet another conference. The judge will then ask - again - if we have come to a settlement. The attorneys say no and they assign another date in the future, telling us to again try to work it out before then. Well, we have used up all of those adjournments and conferences. It is now time to get the case taken care of. (The Family Court has these things called "Standards and Goals" and they state that the case must be completed within 6 months of being filed. I filed in April so by November, it needs to be completed. The judge will not schedule a trial last-minute in case it needs to get pushed back for an emergency, hence the mid-October date set for us.)
In the past few weeks, we have been sending proposals back and forth. First, F and I started this on our own without attorneys. I sent him what I wanted. I told him it was my bottom line - it was. He didn't believe me and sent it back with a ton of changes and additions. I agreed to some minor changes but nothing major and sent it back again. He then got extremely pissed off at me because he asked to change one of his scheduled visitation dates. I told him I would accommodate him for that change and for many more in the future if he would just agree, sign the settlement, and allow us to move forward from all of this. He told me I was "blackmailing" him (the same thing he said when I went for child support). I don't think he understands the meaning of that word. I refuse to fight with him, especially when he resorts to personal attacks and attacks about me as a mother via text. I ignored him and then started going through my attorney once more.
My attorney and I then receive yet another proposal from him and it contained some ludicrous things that I would never, ever agree to (a full week away from me when she is 2 1/2 years old; 24 hour notice to pick her up at 10 am on some days instead of 5:30 pm and keeping her until 8 pm, 2 consecutive weeks away from me when she is 3 years old, etc...) I met with my attorney, we went through it in detail and then sent it back. That was last week - my attorney has heard nothing. Neither had I...until last night.
F, again, wanted to change his upcoming visitation time for the weekend. He is supposed to have her on Saturday for the day and wanted to switch it to Sunday. I explained at court (where he asked through his attorney) that I could not - I have a family even planned on Sunday. My attorney convinced me to allow him to take her Monday instead. I agreed but said she had to be home a couple of hours earlier than usual because I have plans later in the day. F was going to see if he could get off work to take her. I heard nothing.
Last night, he brought her home at 8 pm when his weekday visitation was over. I still didn't know what was going on for this weekend so I asked if he was taking her on Saturday. He said no, that he was taking her Monday and I said, "Ok, but she needs to be back by 1 then." Then he lost it. Flipped out. Got nasty immediately and started asking why. I explained I had plans and he responded by asking, "what is more important than her spending time with her father?!" I think he had temporary amnesia and forgot that HE was the one who had uber-important plans on Saturday and was cancelling his regularly scheduled day with her. I didn't reply because he was heated. I was holding the baby and he was in my house (no one else was around). I said, "I am accommodating you and if you aren't happy with 1 on Monday, you can have her at the regular time on Saturday." He continued to raise his voice and say sarcastic things. I finally said, "Get out." As he was fighting with me, he was leaning over me, trying to kiss the baby. I was backing up instinctually. He then said, "the proposal you sent me was a disgrace, Liz. So I will see you Wednesday and we will let the cards fall where they may." Well that just pissed me off - he was continuing to fight with me even though I stopped speaking and was telling him to get out. I said, "well then I am not accommodating you anymore. You can have her Saturday or not at all." I shut the door and locked it. He was then yelling from outside my house, "I will BE here Monday, Liz! I will be here!" I said, "well we will not be."
Then I was scared. I was shaking and on the verge of tears. That's when the hatred comes - how dare he? How dare he speak to me like that? How dare he pull that shit in front of HIS child? She is a baby. I held it together long enough to nurse her and put her into bed and then I lost it. For the first time, I was scared to be in my house alone. I pulled all of the curtains closed. I locked and double and triple-checked my front door. I called my brother-in-law but he was with all of his kids and couldn't come over. I knew my sister would be home shortly so I stayed on the phone with my brother-in-law until she got here. I hated him. He manages to twist absolutely everything around. He forgets that he has refused to compromise with me. We have court-ordered visitation scheduled. When he wanted me to pick her up 20 minutes early two weeks ago so he could get his haircut, I did. When he had to change last week to go to a Yankee game, I changed. When he wants to change this weekend, I gave him an alternative. I don't HAVE to do that. Instead of playing nice (even if it's completely fake) he comes in here acting entitled and angry and childish. He is then nasty and disrespectful. It truly blows my mind. Then I know - with 100% certainty - that he leaves here feeling like the victim! It's not normal. He is delusional.
Of course today, he called his attorney who called my attorney who reached out to me (so this cost us each no less than $150) about it. His attorney said that HE was trying to accommodate MY schedule and I "adamantly refused" and then "threatened to not make the baby available on Monday." Well, it was partly true. I reminded everyone that I was the one accommodating HIM. And I didn't "threaten" to not make her available, I told him she no longer would be. That's a fact, not a threat. Long story - my attorney convinced me to offer back either his regularly scheduled Saturday time or the shorter time on Monday that I originally offered. I did so for my daughter's sake and for my attorney's. Certainly not for his. I will now have my father here when he comes to get her on Monday and we will see if he mouths off to him. We'll see if he's still such a bully and so nasty. I doubt it.
In the meantime, I have a meeting with my attorney at 2 pm on Tuesday to prepare for a 9:30 am trial on Wednesday. To say I am flipping out is an understatement. I am fighting for my child - I am the ONLY one in this entire disaster of a situation that has HER best interests at heart. He has shown me- again and again - that he has not grown up. He will never put her first - it is all a battle between him and I in his eyes. He cannot see past his resentment of me and it is so, so sad. So pathetic. He feels badly for himself and he wants to "win." He wants to "show me." What he doesn't realize is that neither of us will "win." Our daughter is losing. She is losing the hope for two parents to ever peacefully co-parent. She is losing the chance of having a father that her mother respects.
So my daughter will now spend Tuesday afternoon at an attorney's office. She will then spend the entire day on Wednesday at Family Court. If he "wins," he will get her for a full weekend starting soon. Then she really loses. She loses the comfort and security of her home, her bed, her mother, the only food she knows. She likely loses her trust in me for leaving her for two days and will lose trust in her father because when she is with him, she will know she is missing other things (like her mother and her right to breastfeed). To say it is sad is an injustice - it is heartwrenching. But it seems I am the only one who cares about that.
I will spend the rest of my weekend loving her up and preparing for a trial on my own. I am going in there fighting for her - every step of the way. I will argue about breastfeeding and attachment parenting and co-sleeping and her rights. I will argue about overnights and age-appropriateness. I will seek sole custody because now he will "get" only what a judge orders me to give him. He has lost my respect and therefore anything I would have voluntarily agreed to. My heart is so sad and I still cannot believe that this is my life.
Please say prayers for us,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Drained...But Trying
I am mentally exhausted after today. Court was fine (in the sense that not much happened and we were out of there fairly quickly). The upside is that I didn't have to pay my attorney quite a million dollars for today and I got back to my baby very fast. Downside was that F tried to come over and talk to me as if he hadn't completely disrespected me yesterday by texting me a personal attack about me as a mother. So I calmly told him I was not speaking with him. He had an adult temper tantrum (if there is such a thing) in the middle of the courthouse - shaking his head, huffing and puffing. He even took out a pen, clicked it open angrily and wrote down, I am sure, our exchange. (Although I would bet my life he left out the first part of my response which was, "You attacked me as a mother and so I have nothing to say to you right now.") He then held up the notebook to show his attorney and, for all intents and purposes, tell on me. This is who I am dealing with. A thirty-one year old "man" who says disrespectful things, accepts no responsibility for them, and then has a temper tantrum when he doesn't like the repercussions. It's exhausting. But now we move on.
We have until our next court date (approximately three weeks) to get an agreement signed. If we do, we don't even have to appear in court again. If we don't, we begin a trial. I am done negotiating with him, however. I am not giving in and so if he doesn't want to agree and sign, then we will go to trial. At least then I can sleep at night and know that I did everything in my power to do what I feel is best for my daughter. So that's that. For today.
He also has her tomorrow morning for two hours. He is supposed to have her tomorrow night for two and a half hours but he needed to change (for a football game, I am sure. Priorities, priorities). I still hate it every single time. And that explains why this post sucks. :( Today sucked and I am dreading those two hours tomorrow. But then I have the rest of the day and all day Friday with my little girl, uninterrupted. I suppose I need to get used to this but the thought of doing so overwhelms me and so I have to take it day by day. And I have to remind myself that there are parents with children who are not healthy and would likely sell their souls to trade spots with me and "only" have to share a perfectly healthy child. I try to think about that when I start losing it.
Is it tomorrow at 11:30 am yet????
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
We have until our next court date (approximately three weeks) to get an agreement signed. If we do, we don't even have to appear in court again. If we don't, we begin a trial. I am done negotiating with him, however. I am not giving in and so if he doesn't want to agree and sign, then we will go to trial. At least then I can sleep at night and know that I did everything in my power to do what I feel is best for my daughter. So that's that. For today.
He also has her tomorrow morning for two hours. He is supposed to have her tomorrow night for two and a half hours but he needed to change (for a football game, I am sure. Priorities, priorities). I still hate it every single time. And that explains why this post sucks. :( Today sucked and I am dreading those two hours tomorrow. But then I have the rest of the day and all day Friday with my little girl, uninterrupted. I suppose I need to get used to this but the thought of doing so overwhelms me and so I have to take it day by day. And I have to remind myself that there are parents with children who are not healthy and would likely sell their souls to trade spots with me and "only" have to share a perfectly healthy child. I try to think about that when I start losing it.
Is it tomorrow at 11:30 am yet????
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Breastfeeding, Boogies and Bad News...
First (and I will likely follow this up with a more in-depth post at some point), I love breastfeeding. This has surprised me more, perhaps, than anything else about motherhood. I knew it was best for my baby. I knew I would do it. But I didn't expect to like it. Love it, really. It sounds silly (especially, I am guessing, to those who have never done it) but I feel very proud of the fact that my daughter has been breastfed every day of her life thus far. Up until 6 months, she was exclusively breastfed - nothing else passed those lovely little lips. At six months, she started on fruits and vegetables and has since expanded into some grains and meats. But she is still breastfed like clockwork and I love it. I feel like I am doing right by her ever time I feed her. I love the bonding time; it's built-in, take-a-break-from-life-and-love-your-daughter. I don't even mind it at 11;15 p.m. right as I was on the brink of falling asleep. Or at 2 a.m. Or 4 a.m. Or 6 a.m. For some inexplicable reason, it never ever bothers me to feed her. So I just wanted to share that. Like I said, I have so much more I could say about it and so maybe another rainy day post will be dedicated solely to "the boob" as we call it around here. We shall see. But for any mothers-to-be, try it. You might fall in love with it as I have.
Secondly, boogies - oh my word, the boogies. My little angel is sicky. It's quite heartbreaking and she's not even that bad. God help me if she ever legitimately gets sick. Since yesterday, she has had rosy cheeks and a red bum. She has also been leaking from every single hole in her face. A lot. And yet another cliche is true: "it's amazing what doesn't bother you as a mother." I will wipe those boogers and those runny eyes and that drool with my hand and then immediately use it to wipe my own face. Or to finish my apple. Because those are my boogers and tears and drool. I made all of that. It's not gross, it's cute. The night before last, one of us had an accident in our bed. I won't say which one out of fear of embarrassing someone, but someone peed a bit too much and the sheets were wet at 2:34 a.m. Awesome. Out of bed we were. Changed baby. Cleaned baby. Threw down a blanket over the new definition of a "wet spot" in bed, stuck a boob in a mouth and back to sleep we went. So obviously the first thing I did yesterday morning was strip the bed, wash and dry the sheets, and re-make the bed. (Although, maybe that's not so obvious if you're still grossed out that all I did at 2:34 a.m. was throw a blanket down on top of it. Survival.) Well, I woke up this morning and it looks like all Juliette did the entire time I was sleeping was blow her nose on as many square inches of our sheets as she could possibly reach. So the washing machine and I reunite. It's quite a lot of work having a baby. (But shhh! I wouldn't trade it for the world!)
Lastly, the bad news. F and I were so close to coming to a visitation agreement over the past few days. We had been going back and forth over email with proposals and counter-proposals and counter-counter-proposals. Then today I explained - again - that there were some things I am just not going to voluntarily agree to. Ever. He said he wouldn't either and so we were frozen. He then asked me to switch his visitation time this Thursday and a weekend date next month. I told him that I would be happy to do my best to accommodate him with that if he would agree to this. Well, that is all it took to set him off. I received some nasty text messages, one of which attacked me as a mother. (Really? Ugh. When do men grow up? He is 31 years old. I am the mother of his child. A damn good mother, which he knows, and it's the first place he goes when he's stomping his feet and crossing his arms. So disrespectful.) Anyway, I am fairly confident that the same person attacking me as a mother wants to cancel his regular time with his daughter because of a football game. I wish these men were forced to grow up as much as them women are when they become pregnant; their lives don't change. Yet they still want all the benefits, all the "pro"s of becoming a parent. It really frustrates me despite how much I try to blow it off. So - back to court we go tomorrow. It's our last conference (i.e., another opportunity for the judge to chastise us, tell us to grow up, talk it out, and come to an agreement because we don't belong in Family Court) before our set trial date. I am not giving in this time. I'm just not. I have to follow my gut and do what I think is best and if other people around me think that makes me "difficult" or "a bitch," I just cannot care. I am crossing everything that a miracle will occur and someone will grow up a bit tonight as he sleeps and be willing to agree with me tomorrow. If not, well...I am sure you will hear about it here.
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Secondly, boogies - oh my word, the boogies. My little angel is sicky. It's quite heartbreaking and she's not even that bad. God help me if she ever legitimately gets sick. Since yesterday, she has had rosy cheeks and a red bum. She has also been leaking from every single hole in her face. A lot. And yet another cliche is true: "it's amazing what doesn't bother you as a mother." I will wipe those boogers and those runny eyes and that drool with my hand and then immediately use it to wipe my own face. Or to finish my apple. Because those are my boogers and tears and drool. I made all of that. It's not gross, it's cute. The night before last, one of us had an accident in our bed. I won't say which one out of fear of embarrassing someone, but someone peed a bit too much and the sheets were wet at 2:34 a.m. Awesome. Out of bed we were. Changed baby. Cleaned baby. Threw down a blanket over the new definition of a "wet spot" in bed, stuck a boob in a mouth and back to sleep we went. So obviously the first thing I did yesterday morning was strip the bed, wash and dry the sheets, and re-make the bed. (Although, maybe that's not so obvious if you're still grossed out that all I did at 2:34 a.m. was throw a blanket down on top of it. Survival.) Well, I woke up this morning and it looks like all Juliette did the entire time I was sleeping was blow her nose on as many square inches of our sheets as she could possibly reach. So the washing machine and I reunite. It's quite a lot of work having a baby. (But shhh! I wouldn't trade it for the world!)
Lastly, the bad news. F and I were so close to coming to a visitation agreement over the past few days. We had been going back and forth over email with proposals and counter-proposals and counter-counter-proposals. Then today I explained - again - that there were some things I am just not going to voluntarily agree to. Ever. He said he wouldn't either and so we were frozen. He then asked me to switch his visitation time this Thursday and a weekend date next month. I told him that I would be happy to do my best to accommodate him with that if he would agree to this. Well, that is all it took to set him off. I received some nasty text messages, one of which attacked me as a mother. (Really? Ugh. When do men grow up? He is 31 years old. I am the mother of his child. A damn good mother, which he knows, and it's the first place he goes when he's stomping his feet and crossing his arms. So disrespectful.) Anyway, I am fairly confident that the same person attacking me as a mother wants to cancel his regular time with his daughter because of a football game. I wish these men were forced to grow up as much as them women are when they become pregnant; their lives don't change. Yet they still want all the benefits, all the "pro"s of becoming a parent. It really frustrates me despite how much I try to blow it off. So - back to court we go tomorrow. It's our last conference (i.e., another opportunity for the judge to chastise us, tell us to grow up, talk it out, and come to an agreement because we don't belong in Family Court) before our set trial date. I am not giving in this time. I'm just not. I have to follow my gut and do what I think is best and if other people around me think that makes me "difficult" or "a bitch," I just cannot care. I am crossing everything that a miracle will occur and someone will grow up a bit tonight as he sleeps and be willing to agree with me tomorrow. If not, well...I am sure you will hear about it here.
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Visitation...
...Am I the only one that hates it every single time? I can't be. Can I? It's 7:50 and she is due home by 8:00. Every minute - especially the last twenty or so - feels like an hour. I know she will be a bit late tonight too because there is a terrible car accident blocking the way to my house. I can't wait to have her safely home with me, where she belongs, giving me kisses and hugs.
I know that, as with everything else in life, I will likely "get used to it" and some moms even tell me I will start to enjoy the time (or at least make the most of it). I want to believe them because they are being honest and they have been down my road, but part of me just can't. I will always hate having to let her go. And so I blog... :)
As things currently stand, Juliette's dad has her two weeknights from 5:30 - 8:00 p.m. I drop her off at his parents' house (I am not comfortable with him taking her where he lives since he has three roommates and cannot control who comes/goes at the house) and he brings her home. He also has her from 9:30 a.m. on Saturdays until 3:30 p.m. (soon to be 4:30). I dread Saturdays. It's just such a long time for me to worry about her. He picks her up in the morning and then I go to her at noon to nurse her. I then nurse her there at 3:30 before I put her in the car. It's all...less than ideal.
I do not worry, necessarily, about F taking care of her. I believe that he does his absolute best. And besides last night, his parents are constantly with them as well which makes me feel better. At least there are three adults worth of judgment there with her when I cannot be. Yes, she comes home with baby food caked on her face. Last weekend, her pants were on backwards. These things drive me crazy, but I can live with them.
Here are the thoughts I cannot live with:
(1) Will she wonder where I am and think I've left her?
(2) Will she get scared and want me?
(3) Will she be hungry and want to only nurse?
(4) Will she become anxious and not trust either F or me?
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night and make me sick with worry. I am her mother. I am supposed to protect her and ensure that she feels safe and secure and loved every minute of her life; I hate that my situation robs me of that.
I sent my latest, bottom-line, proposal to F on Tuesday morning. It is Thursday night and I have heard nothing. We have a court conference scheduled for Wednesday - I am losing hope that it will be our last. I am done negotiating, done going back and forth. Some may say it's stubborn but I cannot and will not compromise what I feel is her best interest - unless and until a judge orders me to do so. Then, at least, I can sleep at night knowing I fought for her with everything I had.
But a small, tiny, optimistic piece of my heart is holding onto the hope that it may not come to that. I hope her father can understand that I love her more than I love anything else in the world and everything I am doing is motivated by that love. My heart fingers are crossed.
But my baby is home now - where she belongs and all is right with the world...
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
I know that, as with everything else in life, I will likely "get used to it" and some moms even tell me I will start to enjoy the time (or at least make the most of it). I want to believe them because they are being honest and they have been down my road, but part of me just can't. I will always hate having to let her go. And so I blog... :)
As things currently stand, Juliette's dad has her two weeknights from 5:30 - 8:00 p.m. I drop her off at his parents' house (I am not comfortable with him taking her where he lives since he has three roommates and cannot control who comes/goes at the house) and he brings her home. He also has her from 9:30 a.m. on Saturdays until 3:30 p.m. (soon to be 4:30). I dread Saturdays. It's just such a long time for me to worry about her. He picks her up in the morning and then I go to her at noon to nurse her. I then nurse her there at 3:30 before I put her in the car. It's all...less than ideal.
I do not worry, necessarily, about F taking care of her. I believe that he does his absolute best. And besides last night, his parents are constantly with them as well which makes me feel better. At least there are three adults worth of judgment there with her when I cannot be. Yes, she comes home with baby food caked on her face. Last weekend, her pants were on backwards. These things drive me crazy, but I can live with them.
Here are the thoughts I cannot live with:
(1) Will she wonder where I am and think I've left her?
(2) Will she get scared and want me?
(3) Will she be hungry and want to only nurse?
(4) Will she become anxious and not trust either F or me?
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night and make me sick with worry. I am her mother. I am supposed to protect her and ensure that she feels safe and secure and loved every minute of her life; I hate that my situation robs me of that.
I sent my latest, bottom-line, proposal to F on Tuesday morning. It is Thursday night and I have heard nothing. We have a court conference scheduled for Wednesday - I am losing hope that it will be our last. I am done negotiating, done going back and forth. Some may say it's stubborn but I cannot and will not compromise what I feel is her best interest - unless and until a judge orders me to do so. Then, at least, I can sleep at night knowing I fought for her with everything I had.
But a small, tiny, optimistic piece of my heart is holding onto the hope that it may not come to that. I hope her father can understand that I love her more than I love anything else in the world and everything I am doing is motivated by that love. My heart fingers are crossed.
But my baby is home now - where she belongs and all is right with the world...
Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO
Friday, September 13, 2013
Introduction (Well, really a RE-introduction because it's been awhile...)
[For those of you that followed my pregnancy, I thank you and I apologize. For those of you who will now follow my single-momma journey, welcome. And I apologize.]
So here I am...exactly where I never thought I would be: 34 years old, single, and a proud momma of one beautiful, precious, delicious, 7 month old little baby girl. Sometimes life works in mysterious ways. I suppose I will have to back up before I can move forward - seems to be a theme in my life these days, but I hope, as I always do, it will be worth it.
So here I am...exactly where I never thought I would be: 34 years old, single, and a proud momma of one beautiful, precious, delicious, 7 month old little baby girl. Sometimes life works in mysterious ways. I suppose I will have to back up before I can move forward - seems to be a theme in my life these days, but I hope, as I always do, it will be worth it.
6 years ago: A tenured elementary school teacher in a wonderful district, dating haphazardly, attending law school at night, thinking I was "so stressed" about things in life.
4 years ago: A Big Law associate at a coveted NYC law firm, making more money than I had time to spend, dating haphazardly, thinking I was "so stressed" about things in life.
2 years ago: A contract attorney, working from home full-time, dating haphazardly, thinking I was "so stressed" about things in life.
18 months ago: Met my daughter's father (we'll call him "F" for father from this point on), closed on my house that I now own, thought I was "so stressed" about things in life.
16 months ago: Contract attorney, owning a new home, dating someone for two months....and peed on a stick. Everything changed. Thought I was seriously stressed about things in life.
Today: Now I know stress. Not "stress" in quotation marks, but actual real-life, serious stress. The kind of stress a momma bear feels when she thinks someone is approaching her young. So maybe it's really a combination of stress and anger and fear and resentment and defensiveness. But whatever it is, it no longer belongs in quotes and it's no longer the least bit dramatic to say, "I am stressed."
I am not stressed about having my daughter, or about caring for her by myself. I am not stressed about cleaning my house. I am not stressed about working full-time. Or about cooking. Or about the laundry. All that everyday nonsense is "stressful" in quotes. I wish for that stress. I'd trade you in a heartbeat.
The situation with the father of my baby has been stressful, to say the least. Difficult. Draining. Awful. Heartbreaking. Obviously, if you can follow a timeline, I got pregnant two months after meeting him
(clearly an unplanned but, turns out, lovely surprise). I then stopped short his planned marriage
proposal and decided that a romantic relationship between us was just not
what the doctor ordered. And I’ve been to a lot of doctors. F was, obviously and justifiably, upset and shocked and
all of the many other adjectives that I could use to underplay his reaction. That was months and months ago. I don't think he has gotten over it.
We have been in court for months fighting over her. He wants what he wants, most of which I feel is not in my daughter's best interest. So what am I to do? Give in? Not this momma bear. Someone is approaching my young and, because I feel her best interests are not first and foremost, it is irrelevant that it is her father. So there has been fighting. And attorneys. And crying. And heartache - oh, the heartache. I am hoping we are on a path that is moving forward; we have been "playing nice" for the past few weeks. We have a meeting coming up where I will again beg him in tears, if need be, to please please please respect my wishes for her and to please please please have some patience and to please please please accept what I am offering - it is more than reasonable. So we shall see.
In the meantime, I will continue to look at my daughter and marvel that I (me!!!) made her. I created this tiny little dependent human being who could not be more perfect for me; those cheeks, that smile, those eyes, that drool - I am in love with everything about her.
I would love to share my story as I have scoured the internet peering into other people's lives during this trying time - searching, hoping, desperate for a ray of hope, for a similar story with a happy ending. I hope you will come along on my journey with me and with my daughter, Juliette.
For now, we will both say goodnight.
XOXO
Momeo and Juliette
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)