Pregnancy Symptoms and Side Effects (Not for the faint of heart)

(Due to the hurricane we had on LI, I did not have power to my laptop and did not write my regular entry. However, in it’s place, I handwrote a list of all of the pregnancy symptoms and side effects that I have experienced thus far. WARNING: If you do not want the truth, do not continue reading. It’s not pretty.)

·         A constant feeling of “seasickness” until the 12 week mark

·         Feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin every morning until the 12 week mark

·         Constant peeing. When I say "constant," I mean constant. The minute you finish going, you are thinking about how long you can possibly hold it until you go again. Because you just went.

·         A UTI at about 8 weeks. That was just cruel.

·         Extra and random vaginal discharge

·         Stuffed nose – constantly

·         My nipple bleeding – this only happened once, when I got out of the shower. But once is enough in my lifetime.

·         Enough gas to run a locomotive. Seriously. 24/7.

·         Mysterious red spots on my body. For me, on my upper chest and my face.

·         Itchy boobs. Like, on fire itchy. So itchy I could cry. Maybe I have.

·         “Heartburn” – this really means you will regurgitate whatever you ate, into your mouth, at least 4 times a night

·         Random, internal steel-toe kicks to the vagina. At least that is what it feels like.

·         Bloating. Every time I eat and every night. Without fail. It is extremely uncomfortable.

·         Lower back pain – especially when I try to…well, move.

·         More hair. Everywhere. (Except my legs. That hair is growing in slower. Go figure.)

·         HUGE boobs. I mean, like, grandma-huge. Beyond “Oh sweet, my boobs are looking good” huge. Gross-huge.

·         Insomnia – this lasted from about 12 weeks through 20 weeks for me. It’s torture. I decided that if I were ever in charge of a group of POWs, I would give them a UTI and insomnia. They’d talk immediately.

·         “Outie” bellybutton.

·         Dry skin

·         Going to the bathroom (yes, the bathroom-bathroom) six times in one day and then not going for the next six days. This pattern changes and reverses whenever the hell it feels like it.

·         Braxton Hicks contractions – not painful, but just annoying enough to remind you that your body has been taken over by someone else.

·         Clumsiness – I drop things all of the time! I can’t explain this one!

·         Dumbness – not kidding. I forget where stores are when I am actively driving to them. I attempted to remove nail polish with Scope mouthwash (the bottles do look a bit similar).

(Mind you, this is not even including your actual, physical expansion – the growth of your belly and the increase in your weight. Those aren’t “side effects” to me – they ARE pregnancy. These are just all of the added bonuses. Now do you understand why I want to punch the women who say, “You don’t love it?! I just loved being pregnant!” Maybe they need to have their brains checked.)