Friday, September 13, 2013

Introduction (Well, really a RE-introduction because it's been awhile...)

[For those of you that followed my pregnancy, I thank you and I apologize. For those of you who will now follow my single-momma journey, welcome. And I apologize.]

So here I am...exactly where I never thought I would be: 34 years old, single, and a proud momma of one beautiful, precious, delicious, 7 month old little baby girl. Sometimes life works in mysterious ways. I suppose I will have to back up before I can move forward - seems to be a theme in my life these days, but I hope, as I always do, it will be worth it.


6 years ago: A tenured elementary school teacher in a wonderful district, dating haphazardly, attending law school at night, thinking I was "so stressed" about things in life.

4 years ago:  A Big Law associate at a coveted NYC law firm, making more money than I had time to spend, dating haphazardly, thinking I was "so stressed" about things in life.

2 years ago: A contract attorney, working from home full-time, dating haphazardly, thinking I was "so stressed" about things in life.

18 months ago: Met my daughter's father (we'll call him "F" for father from this point on), closed on my house that I now own, thought I was "so stressed" about things in life.

16 months ago: Contract attorney, owning a new home, dating someone for two months....and peed on a stick. Everything changed. Thought I was seriously stressed about things in life.

Today: Now I know stress. Not "stress" in quotation marks, but actual real-life, serious stress. The kind of stress a momma bear feels when she thinks someone is approaching her young. So maybe it's really a combination of stress and anger and fear and resentment and defensiveness. But whatever it is, it no longer belongs in quotes and it's no longer the least bit dramatic to say, "I am stressed."

I am not stressed about having my daughter, or about caring for her by myself. I am not stressed about cleaning my house. I am not stressed about working full-time. Or about cooking. Or about the laundry. All that everyday nonsense is "stressful" in quotes. I wish for that stress. I'd trade you in a heartbeat.

The situation with the father of my baby has been stressful, to say the least. Difficult. Draining. Awful. Heartbreaking. Obviously, if you can follow a timeline, I got pregnant two months after meeting him (clearly an unplanned but, turns out, lovely surprise). I then stopped short his planned marriage proposal and decided that a romantic relationship between us was just not what the doctor ordered. And I’ve been to a lot of doctors. F was, obviously and justifiably, upset and shocked and all of the many other adjectives that I could use to underplay his reaction. That was months and months ago. I don't think he has gotten over it. 

We have been in court for months fighting over her. He wants what he wants, most of which I feel is not in my daughter's best interest. So what am I to do? Give in? Not this momma bear. Someone is approaching my young and, because I feel her best interests are not first and foremost, it is irrelevant that it is her father. So there has been fighting. And attorneys. And crying. And heartache - oh, the heartache. I am hoping we are on a path that is moving forward; we have been "playing nice" for the past few weeks. We have a meeting coming up where I will again beg him in tears, if need be, to please please please respect my wishes for her and to please please please have some patience and to please please please accept what I am offering - it is more than reasonable. So we shall see.

In the meantime, I will continue to look at my daughter and marvel that I (me!!!) made her. I created this tiny little dependent human being who could not be more perfect for me; those cheeks, that smile, those eyes, that drool - I am in love with everything about her.



I would love to share my story as I have scoured the internet peering into other people's lives during this trying time - searching, hoping, desperate for a ray of hope, for a similar story with a happy ending. I hope you will come along on my journey with me and with my daughter, Juliette.

For now, we will both say goodnight.
XOXO
Momeo and Juliette

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