Visitation...

...Am I the only one that hates it every single time? I can't be. Can I? It's 7:50 and she is due home by 8:00. Every minute - especially the last twenty or so - feels like an hour. I know she will be a bit late tonight too because there is a terrible car accident blocking the way to my house. I can't wait to have her safely home with me, where she belongs, giving me kisses and hugs.

I know that, as with everything else in life, I will likely "get used to it" and some moms even tell me I will start to enjoy the time (or at least make the most of it). I want to believe them because they are being honest and they have been down my road, but part of me just can't. I will always hate having to let her go. And so I blog... :)

As things currently stand, Juliette's dad has her two weeknights from 5:30 - 8:00 p.m. I drop her off at his parents' house (I am not comfortable with him taking her where he lives since he has three roommates and cannot control who comes/goes at the house) and he brings her home. He also has her from 9:30 a.m. on Saturdays until 3:30 p.m. (soon to be 4:30). I dread Saturdays. It's just such a long time for me to worry about her. He picks her up in the morning and then I go to her at noon to nurse her. I then nurse her there at 3:30 before I put her in the car. It's all...less than ideal. 

I do not worry, necessarily, about F taking care of her. I believe that he does his absolute best. And besides last night, his parents are constantly with them as well which makes me feel better. At least there are three adults worth of judgment there with her when I cannot be. Yes, she comes home with baby food caked on her face. Last weekend, her pants were on backwards. These things drive me crazy, but I can live with them. 

Here are the thoughts I cannot live with:
(1) Will she wonder where I am and think I've left her?
(2) Will she get scared and want me?
(3) Will she be hungry and want to only nurse?
(4) Will she become anxious and not trust either F or me?
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night and make me sick with worry. I am her mother. I am supposed to protect her and ensure that she feels safe and secure and loved every minute of her life; I hate that my situation robs me of that. 

I sent my latest, bottom-line, proposal to F on Tuesday morning. It is Thursday night and I have heard nothing. We have a court conference scheduled for Wednesday - I am losing hope that it will be our last. I am done negotiating, done going back and forth. Some may say it's stubborn but I cannot and will not compromise what I feel is her best interest - unless and until a judge orders me to do so. Then, at least, I can sleep at night knowing I fought for her with everything I had.

But a small, tiny, optimistic piece of my heart is holding onto the hope that it may not come to that. I hope her father can understand that I love her more than I love anything else in the world and everything I am doing is motivated by that love. My heart fingers are crossed.

But my baby is home now - where she belongs and all is right with the world...

Love,
Momeo and Juliette
XOXO