First Permanent Thing (Gulp!)

I don’t know if I’m ready… today I find out how much weight I have gained since my last OB appointment (cringe). I have been thin all my life (well, except with the “freshman 15” I put on my first two semesters at BU – those Raman noodles were cheap and easy to make, in my defense). My weight has probably fluctuated about three pounds since I am 19 years old. That is, until my last OB appointment. My starting weight at the doctor had been 108. I first gained just under 3 pounds and it was suggested I put on more before the next visit. I then added around five pounds. The total of eight didn’t bother me – it actually made me feel proud, as if I was doing what I was supposed to. But then….the last appointment happened.

I stepped on the scale* (a different one than they had used for every previous appointment, in case that comes into play) and the nurse kept sliding that metal bar over further and further to the right. One hundred and twenty-six pounds. I stared at it. She walked away to write it on my chart. I mumbled, “Um, excuse me – how much did I gain since my last appointment four weeks ago?” “Ten pounds.” Gulp. “That’s a lot. Right? That’s a lot?” “Yes. That’s a lot.” Then she walked out of the room. I was still standing on the scale. The doctor alleged that this was fine, totally normal. But he then explained that I could cut back on salt and fruit juices, etc… So clearly he agreed this was a lot. (Right??) That was 19 days ago and I go back tonight. I am scared. I have been eating a lot of ice cream. And hot chocolate. With sea salt.

It’s not that I don’t intellectually and rationally understand that I need to gain weight in order to have a baby. I guess it’s more the fear of what will happen afterwards. If I was assured that it would all come off and I would go back to looking and feeling the way I did pre-pregnancy, then I truly wouldn’t care if I were a beached whale until I delivered. But I don’t know and I cannot be assured that it won’t stick! Plus, walking by a full-length mirror naked right now jars me every single time. I have a little booty! I have never had a booty. My mother said it’s to balance out my belly and boobs – I laughed but I suppose she is correct.

My brother-in-law said something to me last night that I blew off because my brain was too tired to properly analyze it, but it’s stuck with me. He said he was thinking about me and the baby and he realized that this is the first permanent thing I will ever really do in my life. Besides purchasing my house seven months ago, he’s correct. I have always been able to (and have taken advantage of the fact that I am able to) change my mind – in careers, relationships, homes, etc… I have never allowed myself to become pinned down anywhere or with anyone. Even the puppy I got when I lived and worked in Manhattan wasn’t permanent. I intended it to be, of course, but worked such long hours at the law firm that she was alone all the time and I felt guilty so my aunt took her. I didn't even stick with the puppy.

Once this baby comes, there is no turning back. There is no more picking up and moving. There is no trading the baby in for a new baby. And my aunt certainly won’t take the baby from me, as she took my puppy, if it becomes too much (I asked her, just in case) ;) I got slightly scared thinking of this, but then I felt my resolve. I literally felt it – my back gets straighter and I find myself thinking, “Yes. This baby IS the first and most permanent thing in my life. And it’s perfect. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Baby and I are going to be just fine.” (Right?) Baby and I are now off to vote for our President…

85 days to go!!!