This hurricane has truly put things in perspective. Some
things I see make me incredibly proud to be adding a child to this world –
people putting out messages to come for warmth and lights; electrical cords
with signs saying “use our power to recharge your phones.” These acts give me
faith. Then I see some other things that make me hang my head – people fighting
at gas stations over gasoline or their place in line; others attacking electric
companies, police, and anyone else they can think of to blame for something
that should be blameless. I want to raise the child who puts out the electrical
cord and opens his/her doors to anyone in need. How do I ensure I do that?
Last night I had a dream that I was a terrible mother. The
baby was a newborn and we kept having to walk places (with Barack Obama at some
point, mind you). However, I kept forgetting to pack and bring a diaper bag. I
had no food, no bottles, no diapers with me. I would cry and tell my mom I had
to go back home because I forgot. I was so ashamed. This seemed to happen on
repeat. This dream is the first sign of anxiety about becoming a mother. I have
been so focused on the pregnancy and so scared of the delivery that becoming a
“mom” hasn’t, for one day-lit second, stressed me. What if I can’t handle it?
What if I blow the most important job I will ever have? What if I’m not as
equipped and prepared as I have been thinking
I am? I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t want my child to be perfect. But I
certainly want to raise a child who would put out the electrical cord.
Thank goodness, there are still…
89 days to go!!!
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