What an Allie-filled weekend I have had – kisses, snuggles,
photo shoots, diapers, and more kisses. I can’t get enough of her! Back to work
this morning – very hard to do when I know she is only about 5 minutes away. I
already am staring at the clock counting down until I can see her tonight.
Makes me very excited…
So I promised an update on the F front. Nothing positive, unfortunately.
This past week felt like a bit of a whirlwind for me and it’s been quite
emotional at times. My sister having the baby made me think. A lot. Mostly,
about what it will be like for me. It made me sad that the nights that she and
Jay were the only ones left at the hospital might be very different for me.
They probably couldn’t wait until everyone left and it was only them and the
baby. I am wondering if I will feel the same. Can I share that much joy with
someone whom I am not in a serious relationship with?
Our communication has completely broken down. Right before
the hurricane, I started to become a bit disappointed and frustrated that F was
not doing anything. He says a lot
about what he wants and what he’s ready for, but I wasn’t seeing anything. I started to feel like, unless I initiated
something (conversations, get-togethers, dinners with his parents), nothing
would happen. I was correct. I stopped and it all stopped. He didn’t speak to
me after the birthing class (which I thought went well) until he showed up at
the end of my surprise shower. Since then, not a word. He sent a beautiful (and
delicious) Edible Arrangements gift to my sister in the hospital yet didn’t
even acknowledge my niece to me – not a text, phone call, Facebook message,
nothing. That was a point well made (although the reason behind the point is very
unclear to me). I have been telling others and myself that it wasn’t bothering
me – that this was his choice and I was not here to always fix everything – but
it was bothering me. So yesterday
morning, I called him in the hopes of having a talk about whatever it is that
is going on with him. He didn’t pick up and then didn’t call me back for more
than 8 hours later. Even then, he called my house and didn’t even try my cell.
That spoke volumes as well. So, alas, today I will try again even though part of
me feels it shouldn’t have to be me
always trying to make things right. But I don’t know what else to do.
I look at baby Allie and when I tell you, my heart swells
with how much I love her already. I don’t want my own experience with my own
baby to be hindered, in the least, by a stressful situation between F and I.
But I’m just afraid because it takes two and I am not getting the cooperation
from him. (It drives me crazy, also, when something doesn’t make sense to me.
And this just makes no sense. None.) I will continue to try, though. I don’t
know what else to do.
In the meantime, my living room still looks like Babies R us
and Buy Buy Baby threw up. I have not put away one item from my baby shower!
Hopefully this week! And tomorrow I will
tell you about the breastfeeding class I attended in case any of you are
looking for one – it was wonderful!
72 days to go!!!
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