Made it 'Til November

November!! I never thought I would reach this month…three more solid months to go. That sounds like a year to me…maybe this is why I woke up with my head spinning. First of all, I remember feeling ‘pretty’ in my dream last night – ahh, what an unfamiliar feeling! I think it was because I wasn’t pregnant. I was trying on outfits and they all looked so cute! Ugh – maybe one day…

F came over last night to use the shower and soak up some electricity. The house he rents (with three friends) has not yet been restored – neither has his parents’. I told him he was more than welcome to come and he took me up on it. It was good to see him, but as always, it got my head spinning. I think – well I pretty much know – the problem lies with me. I have such high expectations for people. For F. I want so much and when they don’t live up to that, I am disappointed. I’m disappointed that the first time he came over, before or after the storm of the century, was to shower. Not to make sure my house was secure or to bring in gallons of water or to check on me…things like that. Those actions would speak volumes to me. He says he wants a lot of things – he says he wants to get married, live together, have a family. But his actions have not changed. And yes, I know I stopped all of that. I know I said I wasn’t ready and didn’t want it – but if he still does, you would think he would show it. I want to feel that I would be taken care of and I do not feel that way. I feel I would have to shoulder a lot of the worrying, a lot of the responsibility. And I am willing to do that, but I want to feel like I don’t have to do that. Does that make sense? Example: my aunt ordered a glider for me for the baby’s nursery. It’s sitting in my living room in a huge box. He never mentioned it – never said, “oh the glider came?” or “do you want me to put that together?”. I just wish he had. So I go back into my defensive stance of I-will-take-care-of-it-myself (which, unfortunately, at this time, usually means I find someone else to do it for me). But I will have my dad put together the glider. I called my friend and asked him to send landscaping guys to clean my yard. I will do it. I don’t need him. It would just be nice if I could depend on him.

A lot of thoughts, I know. And to top it off, I woke up – again – wondering if I should ask the baby’s gender at my OB appointment on Tuesday. If it’s a girl, I wouldn’t feel the surprise was ruined. I would be thrilled. If it’s a boy – I don’t know if it’s better for me to know now and deal with it or just wait til it’s in the moment and I may be just fine with it. I truly don’t know. If I decided to ask, that means they would have to have the gender in my chart, which I am not sure they do. And then I would have to keep it to myself for the next 85 days. I’m still tossing this one around. [My mom told me not to find out. She thinks it will leave me time for disappointment whereas, if I wait until “the” moment, there will be no room for disappointment and I will love my child fully and with zero upset. I might have to trust her on this one. I hope she’s right! Thoughts???]

90 days to go!!!