Almost Decorated. Almost.

I am one step closer to decorating. Don’t judge. It’s hard being pregnant. Sitting across from me on my other couch are bags from Michaels and from Walmart with decorations and Christmas cheer galore. My father is also bringing over the decorations I have had stored in his basement for a few years later today. Now I just have to find the time (and energy) to actually do something with it all. Yesterday wasn’t my fault – I had to be at Michele’s house all afternoon because she had a cleaning company come (no, she’s not spoiled and lazy. This is the first time in over a year as part of her Christmas gift since she just had her fourth baby and has no time to thoroughly clean before decorating) and Jay didn’t want the house to be empty while they were there. They took the kids for their annual picture with Santa – but I have to say, it’s with THE best Santa I have ever seen. Truly. In years. I have never seen a better one. He’s the one at the Smithhaven Mall and he looks so…real! So Christmasy and Santa’ish and loveable. Every single year – it’s terrific. Picture came out great – I LOVE those kids! Then I watched all four of them again last night so that Michele and Jay could go “do holiday errands.” They got home close to midnight.

In the meantime, I got to give Allie her first (and second) bottle! I loved feeding her – she was looking up at me with those big mostly-blue-but-might-change-to-brown eyes. It reminded me how needy they are. They depend on you for everything and I just adore it. We did have a slight bathroom mishap – I had her on her changing table to change her poopy diaper and just as I took it off of her, she decided it would be a great time to poop and pee again. It went everywhere. Sprayed. She’s lucky she’s so cute. So I had to wash her down, re-lotion her so Michele didn’t smell the mishap from miles away at Toys R Us, change the changing pad, put on wash, and re-dress her. I loved every second of it. (But my goodness, it’s much harder to do even simple things when you are carrying a newborn.)

I’m glad I am only having one at this point. I was holding her, all bundled in her pjs and then her sleep sack and then her leopard print blanket, in the den. She was just about to fall asleep as I rocked her in my arms and then I hear what I think is another child crying. I had a slight moment of, “What am I supposed to do?” I went with putting Allie down on the couch in the Bobby and padding her and the Boppy as if I were leaving her for a fortnight. (I even put two couch pillows on the floor next to her in case she suddenly developed super-human newborn strength and flipped herself out of the Boppy’s hold). I ran into the bedroom and Jared was whining for his “pipey.” That is his pacifier. Otherwise known as his crack-cocaine. He needs it to sleep. I replaced his pipey and went back to Allie. Shockingly, she hadn’t moved an inch. I scooped her back up and was rocking her again, very proud that I handed this incredibly stressful and challenging situation. “Biiiissssy…,” I hear again. (That’s what my nephews call me. Long story. But I am Aunt Bissy.) Crap. Allie down and secured again, another run to Jared – this time to rub his back for a few minutes, give him his pipey and then escape back to check that Allie hasn’t walked to the other side of the room as I have pictured while I am putting Jared back to sleep. Success. Again, I felt proud. Which is pretty pathetic. But I did.

Not focusing on F today. Not focusing on my possible cholistasis and early induction. Just focusing on work. And then decorating – promise!!!

61 days to go!!! (or 40????)

Christmas Decorating Makes Everything All Better...Even Cholistasis

A rough night but better morning. Last night, around 9:30, I started thinking too much. I can’t believe work has been so slow. My paycheck is going to be awful next week. How am I going to pay all of my bills? That conversation with F about the cholistasis was beyond frustrating. Why can’t we just make things work? This is not how I envisioned my relationship with the father of my child. What if my baby really is in danger inside of me? The internet said cholistasis can cause still births. I do NOT want an induction. Please, God, no induction. And so, I went to bed. I called it a night. I am actually proud that I chose that option, as opposed to sitting up and thinking, getting myself worked up. (And no - all of those thoughts is not considered "worked up" to me.) Because this morning is already better.

I made a trip to Michael’s to buy things for my Christmas mason jar project – what beautiful holiday things they had! I spent close to $100 that I shouldn’t have (and no, not all of it will fit in mason jars), but it was all so pretty and I know that having my house decorated is going to make me so happy! And that’s good for Baby, right??!! It’s all about the baby ;) So later today and tonight, I will begin the decorating. I am heading out to Walmart shortly to buy things to bake some cookies as well – may as well go all the way. A regular Christmas-versioned Martha Stewart. But when work is slow, I may as well take advantage instead of sitting at my laptop all day, staring at my email, willing work to come in. That’s sort of pointless.

So a happy face it is today. Decorations, cookies, holidays – all good things to focus on in this crazy, crazy life. At least until I find out, officially, if I won the Power Ball last night. Then I may re-focus. :)

62 days to go (or 41…..)

New Doctor and New Condition...At This Stage??

Okay – no decorating got started. But I have a good excuse. Last night, my actual sonogram went really well. It started with F calling me an hour beforehand and telling me that him and his mother were going to get there 25 minutes early “just in case” the doctor was running early. I had to shake my head – if I wasn’t going early, was he going to have them do an ultrasound on his womb? (Head shake). Anyway, Baby looks great! They estimate him/her (her) to be at 4 lbs 9 oz – that sounded big to me with 9 weeks to go! But my belly measures perfectly so no worries. Every little part of the baby looked great and we got to see him/her (her) yawning and blinking and moving. It’s so very cool every single time.

But then I went in to meet with the doctor. My doctor has two doctors within the practice. Up until this point, I have been dealing with Dr. Erhart but last night I met with the other doctor for the first time. She comes in, listens to Baby's heartbeat, measures my belly – all the typical stuff. Everything looks and sounds “perfect.” Sigh of relief. Then she says, “Has anyone talked to you about your liver enzymes?” I told her not recently – I had them checked in earlier blood work just as a precaution because I had complained about itchiness very early on in my pregnancy. She explained that they are elevated and (and all of this came very quickly and as a blob of mixed information to me) I have a condition called cholistasis which can cause fetal distress later in pregnancy so they “like to take the baby” the moment it reaches full term. As of now, “full term” has typically been considered 37 weeks although March of Dimes and others are pushing for it to be changed until 39 weeks because of all the development that happens between those two weeks. Anyway, in the meantime, she tells me I will be sent for more blood work and will begin getting an ultrasound and a fetal monitor every week from now until I deliver. Then she handed me paperwork and left. I was sort of in shock and then spent the next fifteen minutes scheduling all of these appointments with the receptionist. I left upset. The last thing I wanted with this pregnancy was an induction. (And yes, I know. We can’t plan everything. And we don’t always get what we want. But this was where my head was at the moment – like the spoiled girl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who demands the Golden Ticket. I would refuse to have an induction.)

By the time I got to Michele’s, I was really confused. I felt like I didn’t ask her any questions nor did I express my concerns about the baby or an induction. I just nodded and smiled like a polite patient and was left…confused. I hadn’t really understood if I did have this cholistasis or if they think I might. I don’t understand what causes it and what I really need to be concerned about. There was also the financial aspect too that was beginning to stress me – it sounds menial compared to the other concerns, but it’s just as real. I have a $130 deductible charge for every sonogram and I just scheduled up to 9 more! Michele told me not to stress about anything until I spoke with Dr. Erhart (easy for her to say, although she is probably correct). So this morning I called and made an appointment with him for next week. One of the reasons I adore him is because he is very laid back and very calming. I am hoping he hasn’t lost this magic touch with me. So…I wait. Of course, I Googled things I shouldn’t have. I read the horror stories and, intellectually at least, dismissed them. But I’d be lying if I told you I slept well last night. I will write down all of my questions for Thursday and will take my mom with me so I don’t leave and feel like I did last night, “Wait – what did she say about that?”

But today is a new day. And I am off to watch my nephews and niece (I still can’t believe I have a niece) so Michele and Jay can run to Justin’s parent-teacher conference.

63 days to go!!! (Or, oh dear God, 42 if I have to go at full term…gulp)

Things are Looking Up

Today is a better day! If I declare it, it will be true. I woke up this morning excited because I have what should be my last sonogram tonight! I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and they will check on Baby’s size and make sure all looks good – I am just thrilled to get another peek inside because it’s been about 11 weeks since I have seen my Baby! I am bringing my mom, F, and F’s mom (who is thrilled because this is the first time she is coming with me). Eek – I get to see my baby and see what position he/she (she) is in and approximately what he/she (she) weighs. All very exciting. Then…they’ll tell me my weight. Ugh. But its worth it tonight.

Yesterday was a rough day for me but I spent the late afternoon/evening at Michele and Jay’s and holding Allie and playing with the boys is always enough to take my mind off of anything else. I then watched a TED video about happiness and, as they always do, the video motivated me to be happy – live in the moment. (Are you familiar with TED conferences? If you are not, download the app or log on immediately. These are intelligent, ingenious people from all disciplines in life that give speeches on the most fascinating topics which will amuse, amaze and humble you without fail.) The focus of the talk was that we are much happier when we are not “mind wandering” and when we are living in the now. Focusing on the task we are currently involved in. Thinking about what we are doing and who we are with in that moment. When we think ahead or think back or think about other things, our happiness decreases substantially. So right now, I am focused on writing this entry. Typically, I would be writing while I was watching the clock and thinking about what I have to accomplish right after this…but not today! Today you have all of me! (Shoot. I wonder if listening to music while I write and signing along is considered “mind wandering.” You think? If so, I have already failed. I can’t fight Matchbox 20’s Overjoyed. Sigh.)

And today I feel ready – physically – to have a baby in my house! Everything I received for my baby shower has been put together (thank you, Dad and Jay) and has been put in its place! The nursery, besides the mural on the wall, is complete; the high chair is in the kitchen, the Snap-n-Go is in the back of my car! The only thing left to do is pack my hospital bag which I will probably do this weekend. Just in case. I like to be prepared.

Now I feel like I can decorate for the holidays – it’s a lot of work that I could probably avoid, but I know it will make me happy. Wish I could have a glass of wine while I do so, but alas, I have about 8 more weeks to wait for that treat. That’s ok. Maybe that’s what I will start tonight – Christmas decorating. Yes, I think so. I know I will come home with energy after my doctor’s appointment so I will stop at Michael’s on my way home to buy fake red berries, candles and ribbon to make these adorable mason jar decorations I found on Pinterest. That’s the plan. I kind of like it. (I’ll let you know how that worked out tomorrow!) Seven hours until I see my Baby and…

…64 days to go!!!

Crank Pot!

I am cranky today. I know I shouldn’t be – I had a few days off of work, a very nice Thanksgiving with the extended family and time with my new niece. But I can’t help it – yesterday (usually one of my favorite days because it was a Sunday) was a waste for me. I got up and ready with the best of intentions and a To-Do list half a mile long, but then got a gas pain at around noon. It did not go away until 7:30 pm!!!!! Awful. Torture. I was in quite a bit of pain and spent the day doing anything anyone suggested to get rid of it: Tums, Gas-X (yes, I am allowed to take both while pregnant), moving around, lying still, drinking milk, eating, not eating – I tried it. I accomplished nothing. Grrr. Now today is Monday. Back to normalcy. Boo. (And people wonder why I can’t wait to have this baby on the outside!!??)

Also, I met with F two nights ago at my house to “talk.” That likely didn’t help my gas pains. I had a knot in my stomach leading up to his visit because two days prior to that, we had exchanged words on the phone. Very rarely do we both get upset, but we did that day and I try to avoid getting stressed and upset as much as possible these days. We are just on two very different pages right now and that leads to difficulty. He told me he is having trouble accepting that we are no longer together and might not ever be (certainly won’t be by the time Baby arrives). That colors his judgment of everything involving me, leading to his unhappiness, anger and frustration. I told him, quite honestly, that I did not know what I could do about that and that I have no clue how to make this situation better while he is still stuck in that place. He decided he may need some time away from me (not that we spend much time together) to fully move on. I acknowledged that that choice is his prerogative but that it would also come with consequences; in other words, if I don’t see him or hear from him for 6 weeks and then go into labor, I don’t want him upset when he’s not the one I am looking to for comfort and help. That seemed to puzzle him. I thought we had made some headway towards the end of the conversation but as he was walking out, he told me how he was out at a bar the night before, playing QuickDraw and hit for $550. Sigh. This after me mentioning how much this baby has already changed my life, especially financially! He doesn’t seem to get it yet.

So I need a new focus today. Or at least Starbucks ;) That always helps. Maybe I will treat myself to a Peppermint Mocha on my lunch break – always helps any mood I am in. (Yes, it’s caffeinated. Don’t judge. It’s just one grande.) And tonight I will try to make Christmas decorations with the million Mason jars I have left over from my baby shower. I hear there are some great ideas in Pinterest. I’ll share any great ones I may find. Starbucks and Pinterest should do the trick – cross your fingers :)

65 days to go!!!

30 Weeks and...Scared??!!

30 weeks today! This was a milestone for me. Laying in bed this morning, looking at my BabyBump app (proudly claiming “30 Weeks – 3^rd Trimester – 70 more days!), I was so thankful. I’m at the point where I can deliver any time now and still stay at St. Charles hospital (not be transferred to Stony Brook or elsewhere). It sounds insignificant, but it’s one less thing to worry about. So I woke up smiling and grateful and optimistic.

After playing my daily morning tune for Baby (“When You’ve Got Trouble, I’ve Got Trouble Too” by Liz Longley), I went in the shower to get ready for the day. Five minutes in, I started crying. Yes, actual crying – tears, snots, all of it. I was thinking back on last week when my sister had the baby and it just happened. Now, those of you who are cringing and thinking me a tad bit crazy have probably never been pregnant. Those of you who are smirking or even chuckling at that likely have carried a child. Maybe you cried over eating the last cooking or dropping something you couldn’t then pick up, but it happens: one minute you are fine, the next minute you are crying.

I realized that I am scared. I am so scared. I am scared of when the time comes. What if I can’t do it? What if I completely break down and cannot handle childbirth? What if I don’t do what I’m supposed to do? And, worse of all, what if I don’t react like a good mother? If I don’t respond like everyone else? It petrifies me. I want to make everyone proud. I want to make the baby proud. I want to make myself proud.

Eventually, I stopped crying. (That happens too). I am now back to being a functional adult, mentally running down my To-Do list today: work, put together bassinet, possibly return a few duplicate items from my baby shower before the holiday shopping rush begins the day after tomorrow. And I am back to focusing on all of the good in my life. No, the great: The front yard of my house is cleared out today because my father and brother-in-law did it yesterday. My living room is looking less and less like a Babies R Us stock room because I put some things away in the nursery yesterday. I have a busy day today only because tomorrow is a work-free, family and food-filled day. And…I am 30 weeks along with a health pregnancy and a growing little mush inside of me. No more tears today. I have way too much to be thankful for. I hope that if you are having a rough time today, you cry in the shower like this crazy girl and then re-focus yourself on all that you do have. Especially if that includes any little people that you created and now love. A very happy Thanksgiving to all!

70 days to go!!!

Breastfeeding Class

So – breastfeeding. Another completely “natural” thing that every woman talks up. (I hope this feels much more “natural” than my entire pregnancy has!) I attended a class at my OB/GYN’s office with a woman named Julie Ocon. She came highly recommended from the nurse that I took my birthing/Lamaze class with (and whom I loved). They are both nurses at St. Charles hospital in Port Jefferson where I will be delivering my little bundle. So far, everyone there has been fantastic and I think I am going to have a great experience. (It is also the hospital where I was born which is pretty damn cool!)

Anyway, there was only one other pregnant girl at the class besides myself. I say “girl” because she seemed a bit young to me – probably early twenties. Very early. She was also in my Lamaze class. It was great – one instructor, two pregnant women (and a friend of the younger girl who came for “moral support.”) Some of the class was a bit introductory for me as I feel like I have been around breastfeeding for most of my life. I have three younger siblings, innumerable younger cousins and now four nieces/nephews who were breastfed. But Julie then explained all of the positions you can hold the baby in and how to correctly latch (the entire areola, ladies, until they look like they are suffocating – not just the nipple!) and it made me feel… calm. Calm is a feeling that I go for – it is always better than the state I started in and brings me instant peace. Therefore, I loved Julie.

Some concerns: (1) the younger pregnant woman was reading the handouts and whispers to her friend, “Oh, awesome. I can’t get pregnant while I am breastfeeding.” The friend says, “Oh really? Cool.” Instant moral dilemma: do I butt out and mind my own business or do I warn her that this is not entirely accurate and save an unplanned, impending pregnancy? I took too long to work this out and the moment passed. She might be back in Lamaze in about 11 months. (2) Julie tells us we should not be actively dieting while we are breastfeeding and instead should take in an extra 200-300 calories daily. Younger pregnant woman says, “So I shouldn’t be eating healthy when I breastfeed?” Julie paused, but to her credit didn’t slap her, and said, “You should be eating healthy, just as you do during your pregnancy, but you should not be actively trying to lose weight.” Pregnant girl, “I don’t think I understand the difference.”

Sigh. I know it may sound mean, but these things make me feel so much better about becoming a mom. I can do this. I completely understand that I can get pregnant while breastfeeding and I also can tell you the difference, quite specifically, between eating healthy and actively dieting. So my baby and I are already a step up the way I see it. Right?

71 days to go!!!