Overdid It

Tomorrow I am 34 weeks and today I am officially DONE. I overdid it this weekend and paid the price but it’s just extremely frustrating because “overdoing it” is not even what I’d consider a crazy day in my pre-pregnancy life. I went to the mall – sounds simple enough. But driving there (about 25-30 minutes), finding parking, walking in, walking around, standing on line, trying on clothes (I needed a dress for Christmas eve – my yoga pants and maternity jeans won’t cut it!), more walking, dealing with crowds…it was exhausting. I realized at one point, walking through Macy’s, that a young woman was trying to get past me. I moved over and she buzzed on by with her independent, unpregnant self. I thought, “That’s usually me!” I’m usually the girl there alone, zipping in and out of stores, weaving in and out of the slow people, getting things done in record time. On Saturday, at that moment, I thought, “If I were on fire, I couldn’t move any faster than I am right now.” Quite depressing. I then tackled Target (for some last minute hospital bag necessities like nursing bras and tanks and a bathrobe as well as some small Christmas gifts). Let me tell you, I have only been to Target once before in my life and I wished (wished really hard) that I had had more energy left – what a great store! Too bad I was exhausted and could barely get the things on my list. I actually walked out to my car, put all of my bags in and then had to go back into the store when I realized I had to pee. Again. And I’d never make it home! So I treated myself to a Starbucks (I know, I’m a terrible mom – I had some real caffeine) on the way out and literally moaned with pleasure at the first sip in my car.

I had to take my shoes off in the car because my feet were swollen (only second time that has happened so far) and I then went to my aunt’s house in case I went into labor. Not kidding. It was the first time I felt that…drained. And awful. I was nervous that I did too much. But, alas, Baby was fine and very cooperative. Maybe she’ll/he’ll (she’ll) like shopping like her mom :)

My nephews and niece were away this weekend with my parents – they went to the North Pole! (Well, the one in Lincoln, New Hampshire). I hated that they were gone (hated it) and I was beyond thrilled when they came home Sunday night. I cooked dinner and had it waiting for everyone at my sister’s house. I just couldn’t wait to hold them and hug them and love them up (especially because of the Newtown incident on Friday – I was crying randomly all weekend). They were full of stories about the train ride, the scarf from Santa, all of the “real elves!” they got to see – such excitement and such…joy. And belief. Children are amazing. They are hard, hard work and can be spoiled and actually quite terrible at times, but still – amazing.

As of today, I am completely done with my Christmas shopping. (Pat on the back although this is over a month later than my usual). Picked up some last minute gifts last night – gift certificate to Pasta Pasta in Port Jefferson Station – yum! And some shirts from Marshalls for my younger sister. So I am done. Most of my gifts are even wrapped too – just the last minute things (and two more coming in the mail this week) to wrap. I think I can, I think I can….

43 (quick) days to go!!!

Broken Hearted

As a former elementary school teacher, as a mother-to-be, and as a human being today is a sad, sad today. A classroom full of kindergarteners was shot to death in their “safe haven” at school. Nothing is sacred anymore – nothing. My heart is literally broken in two. What happened and how I feel about it is all beyond words. There are just no words.

God bless every single teacher and adult who comforted a child during that horrifying time. God bless those innocent, trusting little souls who hopefully did not even have time to be scared. And God bless that entire community. How the anger does not outweigh everything else is beyond me. A teacher who hid her class in a single bathroom and saved all of their lives said that she “didn’t know if it was right, you know, for a teacher” to tell her students that she loved them each very, very much. But she told them. And I don’t think there is anything more right.

I keep thinking, “I wish I had been in that school.” And I know that is not a completely rational thought. But I would have wanted to be there, to be that comfort, to be the protector of those precious little children who are left in a teacher’s care all day, every day. I would have done what I could for my students without even blinking an eye. And I guarantee every single teacher in that building did the same today. My heart is broken in two.

47 days to go…

Sneak Peek!

I’m still smiling from last night. I think the Baby Gods knew that I needed a peek at my baby yesterday. He/she (she) LOOKS like a REAL baby now! (I know, that probably sounds terrible, as if it hasn’t. But…it hasn’t!!! It looked like a lima bean, then a skeleton, then an alien. But now, he/she (she) looks like a BABY!!)

Speaking of babies….I’m a huge one when it comes to doctors. My entire life, I have passed out when I go to the doctor (dentist, pediatrician, physician, gynecologist, you name it). This pregnancy has toughened me up a bit, which I would have bet against seven months ago. But it’s amazing what you do when you have to do it. I’m still, however, not 100% “normal” about going. Even last night I was nervous – my stomach was in knots and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom (another physical reaction my body has to stress). I didn’t know how long the sonogram would be and what exactly the monitoring would be like and so I was stressed. My mom met me there which was good because she serves as a distraction while I wait. I despise waiting – it gives my mind time to completely freak out my body. I hate it. Anyway – the sonogram was awesome. I got to see Baby with its finger in its mouth, holding its foot in its mouth with its hand (!!intelligent, right??) and moving all around. We saw the hair on the back of the head already (quite the shock as I didn’t have hair until I was almost four! My mom taped bows onto my head!). It was great. The face has filled out and it looks like…my baby!!! Oh, and everything they checked for last night was perfect: my fluid levels, the umbilical cord, the blood flow, etc… Of course, that’s the most important stuff but the cutest and most exciting stuff was seeing the baby (and getting more pictures to take home)!

After the sonogram, they weighed me. Again. Ugh. I weighed 133 lbs which, I think, was the same as last time. Maybe I’m deluding myself. But either way, it’s a neat 25 lb weight gain since the pregnancy. If it doesn’t go up much more, I’ll be content with that. Blood pressure was great. Then, time for the monitoring. I sat on the exam table with two pillows propped up behind me. They found the baby’s heart (from the sonographer) and put a round monitoring piece on it and strapped it to me (with that gucky sonogram gel underneath it) to measure the baby’s heartbeat. Then they strapped another monitoring piece where the top of my uterus is to measure my contractions. Here’s the best part: the nurse then hands me this little buzzer and says, “Press this every time the baby moves.” I looked at her like she couldn’t be serious. “Every time?” “Yes, every time. I will be back in five minutes (LIE: a minimum of 15 minutes) to check on you.” My baby moves every second. Especially at night. I am not exaggerating. It’s a gymnast in there. It kicks and jabs and flips and tumbles and rolls. I was pushing that button every three seconds – and the machine would beep. I told my mom I am going to get one of those buzzers from the game Taboo and I’m going to do this at home. I’m going to press it and buzz every time the baby moves so no one else in my life can ignore it!! I certainly can’t! I finally told my mother that I was pressing it every other time because it was getting ridiculous. I had pressed it over 40 times in less than 5 minutes. Seriously. I guess other baby’s don’t move as much???

Turns out that everything there was perfect too – “perfect readout” the nurse practitioner told me. Good contractions (I knew that was what I was feeling!), good heartrate, and great movement (great for them, not for the inside of my uterus). My liver enzyme number went from a 12 to a 13. I said, “Shit! It went up!” but the NP said, “I consider 12 and 13 to be the same level with this. It’s just fine.” That made me feel better. I will continue to go for these weekly sonograms and NSTs and we will keep a close eye on Baby. I go for more blood work in three weeks to check on my number again (think LOW) and hopefully I can sneak by, week by week, until this baby comes naturally and I won’t need to be induced! Fingers and toes crossed!

I was smiling when I left, when I went to Michele and Jay’s to show them the pictures, when I got home and even now, today. I am getting really excited. So…I know I promised more updates about F, but no negativity or stress today. Only happy, real-baby-looking thoughts today. I’m going to be a mom soon!

48 days to go!!!

(Yawn)

Exhausted. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m back to not sleeping well – not falling asleep easily and then not remaining asleep. And F came over last night (last week we did not meet up). I know it’s terrible but I can’t even rehash it all. He left and I was sitting here so…baffled. Confused. I just don’t understand him. I wish I did. We are two totally different people on two totally different pages (of different books). We attempted to cover the following topics: possible boy name, my relationship with his mother, visitation, our relationship (which has been non-existent for months and which always and still includes our break-up), health insurance and (drum roll please…..) finances.

The last one was probably the one that exhausted me. I feel it’s the first thing I have “asked” for, if you will, and it was not received well. (Although visitation was the second thing he managed to bring up). Not only did F think the baby “won’t cost anything” for at least the first two months, but he genuinely seemed shocked when I told him this pregnancy has not been free! I explained to him, although this has all been brought up in past conversations (numerous times), my deductible, my co-payments, my expenses for food, clothing, vitamins and all of the other incidentals that come along with carrying a baby for 40 weeks. (Didn't even bother to mention my decrease in salary because I am able to work fewer hours). He said it never even crossed his mind and he felt “like shit” about that. However, that was not followed up with an offer for…anything. Sigh.

I then explained that my idyllic plan six months ago had changed and I no longer feel it will be appropriate to re-evaluate child support every six months. I don’t want it to be an ongoing source of tension – I think it should be a matter of business that we deal with now and it just is. We agree on an amount and every two weeks, that is what comes in. Period. Needless to say, without even discussing a number, F did not agree. He thinks we need to wait and see what our actual expenses are, then compare what I spent to what he spent and meet somewhere in the middle. He does not agree with, nor even want to acknowledge the existence of, New York state laws regarding child support. Because I said I would like to stay out of court, F interpreted that to mean we are re-inventing the wheel and we cannot even look to what the state would hold him to. I disagree. I was, and am, willing to compromise on the amount but he feels that certain things have no bearing on my raising a baby. “Your mortgage doesn’t change just because of the baby. And yes, your utilities will go up, but so will mine.” (Although in essence, that is not true, since he is keeping the baby at his parents’ house when he has him/her (her).) I said, “Well you don’t just get to choose how it works and we’ve established that you are clearly not aware of all of the financial implications of a baby.” I don’t think he was very happy with me but I can’t let that bother me. I explained that I can’t deny all visitation and make up my own rules simply because I think the state laws are “stupid.” Nor can he do the same with child support. I asked him to go home, go through his finances, and come back to me with a number that we can work with. We shall see what that brings. Again, two pages. Two books. He left and I was just…exhausted.

So I promise to get into more detail about some of the other topics, but forgive me, I just don’t have it in me right now. Plus, this little gremlin (or gremlette) is demanding that I eat something. Five minutes ago. Okay Baby….food is a comin’! Tonight is my first weekly sonogram and NST (non-stress test) so I will let you know how that goes (so excited to get another peek into Baby’s home)!!!

49 days to go!!!

Overwhelmed

I will admit it. This momma-to-be is overwhelmed. It happens rarely (well, it may happen more frequently than I’d like but it typically doesn’t slow me down and I can ignore it and move past it. This time? Not so much). My head is swimming with finances, health insurance, issues with F, my health and the baby’s health, work and what I am going to do when I cannot put in the hours I am used to. Forget about the holidays and the fact that everyday tasks (laundry, dishes, shopping) are getting more and more physically difficult for me. The lack of sleep is probably not helping this equation. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not at my breaking point just yet. But I’m getting there (hence, the lapse in my entries for the past week).

Better news on the cholistasis front however. When I spoke with the doctor I primarily see, Dr. Erhart, he explained that my numbers are only slightly elevated and therefore not a huge concern right at the moment. We don’t have to schedule any induction dates or anything just yet. I went for new blood work and should get those results tomorrow night at my appointment. Fingers crossed for low numbers (thinking around a 10 would be great although I really have no idea what that number represents). He is very calming and for that I am grateful! I could use some calm in my life!

As Christmas approaches, my belly continues to grow, my heartburn continues to increase in intensity and my baby’s arrival gets closer!

50 days to go!!!

Decorated!!!

Decorated! Tree up! Christmas cookies baked (well at least two different kinds so far: spritz cookies and saltine cookies. More to come)! Not bad for a cranky pregnant lady – and I cooked Sunday dinner yesterday for the fam. My feet were swollen for the first time last night – I felt like a real-live pregnant person. Now that’s one classic symptom I hadn’t had yet (I feel like I have had everything else, classic or not).

I worked a lot over the weekend as well since last week was so slow. I need those hours up – this baby is expensive! Same for today – a boring, work day with nothing else planned. But that’s ok because I am working and looking at my Charlie Brown Christmas tree which Justin carried for me and Adam and Jared helped decorate. I also adore my Pinterest mason jars (yes, I actually made them). They are simple and beautiful (if I do say so myself).

No developments on the baby front other than my impending appointment with Dr. Erhart on Thursday morning. I’m anxious to ask him questions and see what he says about this cholistasis nonsense. Until then, I am absorbing all my baby kicks (of which there are a TON all day long) and counting down til I can meet this little angel. F and I are supposed to get together Thursday night after the doctor so that we can “discuss baby things.” He called and asked for the time after our last talk. No comment. (Until Friday morning. Then I’ll fill you in.)

Going on my BabyBump app all of the time now. I am in the January 2013 group and it’s scary and exciting to read posts from so many women who are due next month having their babies early, going into labor and delivery every day, and scheduling inductions and C-sections. It is really going to happen. Next month. I almost don’t believe it.

Back to work for me. With some spritz cookies to help ease the pain ;)

58 days to go!!! (possibly 37?!)

Almost Decorated. Almost.

I am one step closer to decorating. Don’t judge. It’s hard being pregnant. Sitting across from me on my other couch are bags from Michaels and from Walmart with decorations and Christmas cheer galore. My father is also bringing over the decorations I have had stored in his basement for a few years later today. Now I just have to find the time (and energy) to actually do something with it all. Yesterday wasn’t my fault – I had to be at Michele’s house all afternoon because she had a cleaning company come (no, she’s not spoiled and lazy. This is the first time in over a year as part of her Christmas gift since she just had her fourth baby and has no time to thoroughly clean before decorating) and Jay didn’t want the house to be empty while they were there. They took the kids for their annual picture with Santa – but I have to say, it’s with THE best Santa I have ever seen. Truly. In years. I have never seen a better one. He’s the one at the Smithhaven Mall and he looks so…real! So Christmasy and Santa’ish and loveable. Every single year – it’s terrific. Picture came out great – I LOVE those kids! Then I watched all four of them again last night so that Michele and Jay could go “do holiday errands.” They got home close to midnight.

In the meantime, I got to give Allie her first (and second) bottle! I loved feeding her – she was looking up at me with those big mostly-blue-but-might-change-to-brown eyes. It reminded me how needy they are. They depend on you for everything and I just adore it. We did have a slight bathroom mishap – I had her on her changing table to change her poopy diaper and just as I took it off of her, she decided it would be a great time to poop and pee again. It went everywhere. Sprayed. She’s lucky she’s so cute. So I had to wash her down, re-lotion her so Michele didn’t smell the mishap from miles away at Toys R Us, change the changing pad, put on wash, and re-dress her. I loved every second of it. (But my goodness, it’s much harder to do even simple things when you are carrying a newborn.)

I’m glad I am only having one at this point. I was holding her, all bundled in her pjs and then her sleep sack and then her leopard print blanket, in the den. She was just about to fall asleep as I rocked her in my arms and then I hear what I think is another child crying. I had a slight moment of, “What am I supposed to do?” I went with putting Allie down on the couch in the Bobby and padding her and the Boppy as if I were leaving her for a fortnight. (I even put two couch pillows on the floor next to her in case she suddenly developed super-human newborn strength and flipped herself out of the Boppy’s hold). I ran into the bedroom and Jared was whining for his “pipey.” That is his pacifier. Otherwise known as his crack-cocaine. He needs it to sleep. I replaced his pipey and went back to Allie. Shockingly, she hadn’t moved an inch. I scooped her back up and was rocking her again, very proud that I handed this incredibly stressful and challenging situation. “Biiiissssy…,” I hear again. (That’s what my nephews call me. Long story. But I am Aunt Bissy.) Crap. Allie down and secured again, another run to Jared – this time to rub his back for a few minutes, give him his pipey and then escape back to check that Allie hasn’t walked to the other side of the room as I have pictured while I am putting Jared back to sleep. Success. Again, I felt proud. Which is pretty pathetic. But I did.

Not focusing on F today. Not focusing on my possible cholistasis and early induction. Just focusing on work. And then decorating – promise!!!

61 days to go!!! (or 40????)

Christmas Decorating Makes Everything All Better...Even Cholistasis

A rough night but better morning. Last night, around 9:30, I started thinking too much. I can’t believe work has been so slow. My paycheck is going to be awful next week. How am I going to pay all of my bills? That conversation with F about the cholistasis was beyond frustrating. Why can’t we just make things work? This is not how I envisioned my relationship with the father of my child. What if my baby really is in danger inside of me? The internet said cholistasis can cause still births. I do NOT want an induction. Please, God, no induction. And so, I went to bed. I called it a night. I am actually proud that I chose that option, as opposed to sitting up and thinking, getting myself worked up. (And no - all of those thoughts is not considered "worked up" to me.) Because this morning is already better.

I made a trip to Michael’s to buy things for my Christmas mason jar project – what beautiful holiday things they had! I spent close to $100 that I shouldn’t have (and no, not all of it will fit in mason jars), but it was all so pretty and I know that having my house decorated is going to make me so happy! And that’s good for Baby, right??!! It’s all about the baby ;) So later today and tonight, I will begin the decorating. I am heading out to Walmart shortly to buy things to bake some cookies as well – may as well go all the way. A regular Christmas-versioned Martha Stewart. But when work is slow, I may as well take advantage instead of sitting at my laptop all day, staring at my email, willing work to come in. That’s sort of pointless.

So a happy face it is today. Decorations, cookies, holidays – all good things to focus on in this crazy, crazy life. At least until I find out, officially, if I won the Power Ball last night. Then I may re-focus. :)

62 days to go (or 41…..)

New Doctor and New Condition...At This Stage??

Okay – no decorating got started. But I have a good excuse. Last night, my actual sonogram went really well. It started with F calling me an hour beforehand and telling me that him and his mother were going to get there 25 minutes early “just in case” the doctor was running early. I had to shake my head – if I wasn’t going early, was he going to have them do an ultrasound on his womb? (Head shake). Anyway, Baby looks great! They estimate him/her (her) to be at 4 lbs 9 oz – that sounded big to me with 9 weeks to go! But my belly measures perfectly so no worries. Every little part of the baby looked great and we got to see him/her (her) yawning and blinking and moving. It’s so very cool every single time.

But then I went in to meet with the doctor. My doctor has two doctors within the practice. Up until this point, I have been dealing with Dr. Erhart but last night I met with the other doctor for the first time. She comes in, listens to Baby's heartbeat, measures my belly – all the typical stuff. Everything looks and sounds “perfect.” Sigh of relief. Then she says, “Has anyone talked to you about your liver enzymes?” I told her not recently – I had them checked in earlier blood work just as a precaution because I had complained about itchiness very early on in my pregnancy. She explained that they are elevated and (and all of this came very quickly and as a blob of mixed information to me) I have a condition called cholistasis which can cause fetal distress later in pregnancy so they “like to take the baby” the moment it reaches full term. As of now, “full term” has typically been considered 37 weeks although March of Dimes and others are pushing for it to be changed until 39 weeks because of all the development that happens between those two weeks. Anyway, in the meantime, she tells me I will be sent for more blood work and will begin getting an ultrasound and a fetal monitor every week from now until I deliver. Then she handed me paperwork and left. I was sort of in shock and then spent the next fifteen minutes scheduling all of these appointments with the receptionist. I left upset. The last thing I wanted with this pregnancy was an induction. (And yes, I know. We can’t plan everything. And we don’t always get what we want. But this was where my head was at the moment – like the spoiled girl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who demands the Golden Ticket. I would refuse to have an induction.)

By the time I got to Michele’s, I was really confused. I felt like I didn’t ask her any questions nor did I express my concerns about the baby or an induction. I just nodded and smiled like a polite patient and was left…confused. I hadn’t really understood if I did have this cholistasis or if they think I might. I don’t understand what causes it and what I really need to be concerned about. There was also the financial aspect too that was beginning to stress me – it sounds menial compared to the other concerns, but it’s just as real. I have a $130 deductible charge for every sonogram and I just scheduled up to 9 more! Michele told me not to stress about anything until I spoke with Dr. Erhart (easy for her to say, although she is probably correct). So this morning I called and made an appointment with him for next week. One of the reasons I adore him is because he is very laid back and very calming. I am hoping he hasn’t lost this magic touch with me. So…I wait. Of course, I Googled things I shouldn’t have. I read the horror stories and, intellectually at least, dismissed them. But I’d be lying if I told you I slept well last night. I will write down all of my questions for Thursday and will take my mom with me so I don’t leave and feel like I did last night, “Wait – what did she say about that?”

But today is a new day. And I am off to watch my nephews and niece (I still can’t believe I have a niece) so Michele and Jay can run to Justin’s parent-teacher conference.

63 days to go!!! (Or, oh dear God, 42 if I have to go at full term…gulp)

Things are Looking Up

Today is a better day! If I declare it, it will be true. I woke up this morning excited because I have what should be my last sonogram tonight! I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and they will check on Baby’s size and make sure all looks good – I am just thrilled to get another peek inside because it’s been about 11 weeks since I have seen my Baby! I am bringing my mom, F, and F’s mom (who is thrilled because this is the first time she is coming with me). Eek – I get to see my baby and see what position he/she (she) is in and approximately what he/she (she) weighs. All very exciting. Then…they’ll tell me my weight. Ugh. But its worth it tonight.

Yesterday was a rough day for me but I spent the late afternoon/evening at Michele and Jay’s and holding Allie and playing with the boys is always enough to take my mind off of anything else. I then watched a TED video about happiness and, as they always do, the video motivated me to be happy – live in the moment. (Are you familiar with TED conferences? If you are not, download the app or log on immediately. These are intelligent, ingenious people from all disciplines in life that give speeches on the most fascinating topics which will amuse, amaze and humble you without fail.) The focus of the talk was that we are much happier when we are not “mind wandering” and when we are living in the now. Focusing on the task we are currently involved in. Thinking about what we are doing and who we are with in that moment. When we think ahead or think back or think about other things, our happiness decreases substantially. So right now, I am focused on writing this entry. Typically, I would be writing while I was watching the clock and thinking about what I have to accomplish right after this…but not today! Today you have all of me! (Shoot. I wonder if listening to music while I write and signing along is considered “mind wandering.” You think? If so, I have already failed. I can’t fight Matchbox 20’s Overjoyed. Sigh.)

And today I feel ready – physically – to have a baby in my house! Everything I received for my baby shower has been put together (thank you, Dad and Jay) and has been put in its place! The nursery, besides the mural on the wall, is complete; the high chair is in the kitchen, the Snap-n-Go is in the back of my car! The only thing left to do is pack my hospital bag which I will probably do this weekend. Just in case. I like to be prepared.

Now I feel like I can decorate for the holidays – it’s a lot of work that I could probably avoid, but I know it will make me happy. Wish I could have a glass of wine while I do so, but alas, I have about 8 more weeks to wait for that treat. That’s ok. Maybe that’s what I will start tonight – Christmas decorating. Yes, I think so. I know I will come home with energy after my doctor’s appointment so I will stop at Michael’s on my way home to buy fake red berries, candles and ribbon to make these adorable mason jar decorations I found on Pinterest. That’s the plan. I kind of like it. (I’ll let you know how that worked out tomorrow!) Seven hours until I see my Baby and…

…64 days to go!!!

Crank Pot!

I am cranky today. I know I shouldn’t be – I had a few days off of work, a very nice Thanksgiving with the extended family and time with my new niece. But I can’t help it – yesterday (usually one of my favorite days because it was a Sunday) was a waste for me. I got up and ready with the best of intentions and a To-Do list half a mile long, but then got a gas pain at around noon. It did not go away until 7:30 pm!!!!! Awful. Torture. I was in quite a bit of pain and spent the day doing anything anyone suggested to get rid of it: Tums, Gas-X (yes, I am allowed to take both while pregnant), moving around, lying still, drinking milk, eating, not eating – I tried it. I accomplished nothing. Grrr. Now today is Monday. Back to normalcy. Boo. (And people wonder why I can’t wait to have this baby on the outside!!??)

Also, I met with F two nights ago at my house to “talk.” That likely didn’t help my gas pains. I had a knot in my stomach leading up to his visit because two days prior to that, we had exchanged words on the phone. Very rarely do we both get upset, but we did that day and I try to avoid getting stressed and upset as much as possible these days. We are just on two very different pages right now and that leads to difficulty. He told me he is having trouble accepting that we are no longer together and might not ever be (certainly won’t be by the time Baby arrives). That colors his judgment of everything involving me, leading to his unhappiness, anger and frustration. I told him, quite honestly, that I did not know what I could do about that and that I have no clue how to make this situation better while he is still stuck in that place. He decided he may need some time away from me (not that we spend much time together) to fully move on. I acknowledged that that choice is his prerogative but that it would also come with consequences; in other words, if I don’t see him or hear from him for 6 weeks and then go into labor, I don’t want him upset when he’s not the one I am looking to for comfort and help. That seemed to puzzle him. I thought we had made some headway towards the end of the conversation but as he was walking out, he told me how he was out at a bar the night before, playing QuickDraw and hit for $550. Sigh. This after me mentioning how much this baby has already changed my life, especially financially! He doesn’t seem to get it yet.

So I need a new focus today. Or at least Starbucks ;) That always helps. Maybe I will treat myself to a Peppermint Mocha on my lunch break – always helps any mood I am in. (Yes, it’s caffeinated. Don’t judge. It’s just one grande.) And tonight I will try to make Christmas decorations with the million Mason jars I have left over from my baby shower. I hear there are some great ideas in Pinterest. I’ll share any great ones I may find. Starbucks and Pinterest should do the trick – cross your fingers :)

65 days to go!!!

30 Weeks and...Scared??!!

30 weeks today! This was a milestone for me. Laying in bed this morning, looking at my BabyBump app (proudly claiming “30 Weeks – 3^rd Trimester – 70 more days!), I was so thankful. I’m at the point where I can deliver any time now and still stay at St. Charles hospital (not be transferred to Stony Brook or elsewhere). It sounds insignificant, but it’s one less thing to worry about. So I woke up smiling and grateful and optimistic.

After playing my daily morning tune for Baby (“When You’ve Got Trouble, I’ve Got Trouble Too” by Liz Longley), I went in the shower to get ready for the day. Five minutes in, I started crying. Yes, actual crying – tears, snots, all of it. I was thinking back on last week when my sister had the baby and it just happened. Now, those of you who are cringing and thinking me a tad bit crazy have probably never been pregnant. Those of you who are smirking or even chuckling at that likely have carried a child. Maybe you cried over eating the last cooking or dropping something you couldn’t then pick up, but it happens: one minute you are fine, the next minute you are crying.

I realized that I am scared. I am so scared. I am scared of when the time comes. What if I can’t do it? What if I completely break down and cannot handle childbirth? What if I don’t do what I’m supposed to do? And, worse of all, what if I don’t react like a good mother? If I don’t respond like everyone else? It petrifies me. I want to make everyone proud. I want to make the baby proud. I want to make myself proud.

Eventually, I stopped crying. (That happens too). I am now back to being a functional adult, mentally running down my To-Do list today: work, put together bassinet, possibly return a few duplicate items from my baby shower before the holiday shopping rush begins the day after tomorrow. And I am back to focusing on all of the good in my life. No, the great: The front yard of my house is cleared out today because my father and brother-in-law did it yesterday. My living room is looking less and less like a Babies R Us stock room because I put some things away in the nursery yesterday. I have a busy day today only because tomorrow is a work-free, family and food-filled day. And…I am 30 weeks along with a health pregnancy and a growing little mush inside of me. No more tears today. I have way too much to be thankful for. I hope that if you are having a rough time today, you cry in the shower like this crazy girl and then re-focus yourself on all that you do have. Especially if that includes any little people that you created and now love. A very happy Thanksgiving to all!

70 days to go!!!

Breastfeeding Class

So – breastfeeding. Another completely “natural” thing that every woman talks up. (I hope this feels much more “natural” than my entire pregnancy has!) I attended a class at my OB/GYN’s office with a woman named Julie Ocon. She came highly recommended from the nurse that I took my birthing/Lamaze class with (and whom I loved). They are both nurses at St. Charles hospital in Port Jefferson where I will be delivering my little bundle. So far, everyone there has been fantastic and I think I am going to have a great experience. (It is also the hospital where I was born which is pretty damn cool!)

Anyway, there was only one other pregnant girl at the class besides myself. I say “girl” because she seemed a bit young to me – probably early twenties. Very early. She was also in my Lamaze class. It was great – one instructor, two pregnant women (and a friend of the younger girl who came for “moral support.”) Some of the class was a bit introductory for me as I feel like I have been around breastfeeding for most of my life. I have three younger siblings, innumerable younger cousins and now four nieces/nephews who were breastfed. But Julie then explained all of the positions you can hold the baby in and how to correctly latch (the entire areola, ladies, until they look like they are suffocating – not just the nipple!) and it made me feel… calm. Calm is a feeling that I go for – it is always better than the state I started in and brings me instant peace. Therefore, I loved Julie.

Some concerns: (1) the younger pregnant woman was reading the handouts and whispers to her friend, “Oh, awesome. I can’t get pregnant while I am breastfeeding.” The friend says, “Oh really? Cool.” Instant moral dilemma: do I butt out and mind my own business or do I warn her that this is not entirely accurate and save an unplanned, impending pregnancy? I took too long to work this out and the moment passed. She might be back in Lamaze in about 11 months. (2) Julie tells us we should not be actively dieting while we are breastfeeding and instead should take in an extra 200-300 calories daily. Younger pregnant woman says, “So I shouldn’t be eating healthy when I breastfeed?” Julie paused, but to her credit didn’t slap her, and said, “You should be eating healthy, just as you do during your pregnancy, but you should not be actively trying to lose weight.” Pregnant girl, “I don’t think I understand the difference.”

Sigh. I know it may sound mean, but these things make me feel so much better about becoming a mom. I can do this. I completely understand that I can get pregnant while breastfeeding and I also can tell you the difference, quite specifically, between eating healthy and actively dieting. So my baby and I are already a step up the way I see it. Right?

71 days to go!!!

Kisses, Snuggles, and Worries

What an Allie-filled weekend I have had – kisses, snuggles, photo shoots, diapers, and more kisses. I can’t get enough of her! Back to work this morning – very hard to do when I know she is only about 5 minutes away. I already am staring at the clock counting down until I can see her tonight. Makes me very excited…

So I promised an update on the F front. Nothing positive, unfortunately. This past week felt like a bit of a whirlwind for me and it’s been quite emotional at times. My sister having the baby made me think. A lot. Mostly, about what it will be like for me. It made me sad that the nights that she and Jay were the only ones left at the hospital might be very different for me. They probably couldn’t wait until everyone left and it was only them and the baby. I am wondering if I will feel the same. Can I share that much joy with someone whom I am not in a serious relationship with?

Our communication has completely broken down. Right before the hurricane, I started to become a bit disappointed and frustrated that F was not doing anything. He says a lot about what he wants and what he’s ready for, but I wasn’t seeing anything. I started to feel like, unless I initiated something (conversations, get-togethers, dinners with his parents), nothing would happen. I was correct. I stopped and it all stopped. He didn’t speak to me after the birthing class (which I thought went well) until he showed up at the end of my surprise shower. Since then, not a word. He sent a beautiful (and delicious) Edible Arrangements gift to my sister in the hospital yet didn’t even acknowledge my niece to me – not a text, phone call, Facebook message, nothing. That was a point well made (although the reason behind the point is very unclear to me). I have been telling others and myself that it wasn’t bothering me – that this was his choice and I was not here to always fix everything – but it was bothering me. So yesterday morning, I called him in the hopes of having a talk about whatever it is that is going on with him. He didn’t pick up and then didn’t call me back for more than 8 hours later. Even then, he called my house and didn’t even try my cell. That spoke volumes as well. So, alas, today I will try again even though part of me feels it shouldn’t have to be me always trying to make things right. But I don’t know what else to do.

I look at baby Allie and when I tell you, my heart swells with how much I love her already. I don’t want my own experience with my own baby to be hindered, in the least, by a stressful situation between F and I. But I’m just afraid because it takes two and I am not getting the cooperation from him. (It drives me crazy, also, when something doesn’t make sense to me. And this just makes no sense. None.) I will continue to try, though. I don’t know what else to do.

In the meantime, my living room still looks like Babies R us and Buy Buy Baby threw up. I have not put away one item from my baby shower! Hopefully this week!  And tomorrow I will tell you about the breastfeeding class I attended in case any of you are looking for one – it was wonderful!

72 days to go!!!

Product Push and Allie

Product push: the Mamaroo! Anyone expecting needs to run out and add it to your registry or go purchase one. It is the newest bouncer/swing combination and besides looking tremendously cool and modern, the baby already loves it! I registered for it but didn’t receive it as a gift so I was going to let it slide – not after seeing Allie in it. She looks so calm and peaceful and unlike the bassinette, she doesn’t scream when you put her in it! We tested out the nature and the car sounds with her yesterday – both a hit!

Anyway – back to the baby – she’s precious. Just a perfect, little angel. On Wednesday, my mother and I left before 10 a.m. to go buy everything pink that they sell at Babies R Us. (We did a pretty decent job). After spending over one thousand dollars, we went back to Michele’s prepared to turn the neutral/boy’ish nursery into a home fit for a princess. In between, and again, after visiting hours, we girlified Allie’s new room – it is beautiful! We purchased the Kidsline Fleur bedding set and all matching accessories at Babies R Us. It is to die for. We also bought wall letters to spell out her name and adorable floral wall decals. Together, the two of us bought every outfit that was either pink, purple, or had some sort of tutu attached to it. We then emptied out her nursery and started from scratch – in just over three hours, it was transformed. We then hung every outfit and legging and hair accessory all over the room – on the crib, the changing table, the blinds – and locked the door. We didn’t allow Jay to see it so that he could be surprised with Michele when she came home.

They loved it – I really think they did! She was shocked when she saw how feminine the room looked after having three boys take their turn in there! She didn’t get to look through every single outfit yet, but I am sure she will. She loved what she saw and I think she knows that it is perfect for Allie! Every time I went in there to change her diaper yesterday, the room made me happy – it just screams little girl! (And, the more I keep thinking “girl,” the higher my chances are to have one. Right?)

Speaking of my own, there have been some developments on the “F front” which I will update you about tomorrow. In the meantime, I just have to go see Allie. Five minutes ago :) I already adore her and miss her! (Plus, I want to have a hand in the next outfit she wears!)

Have I mentioned how blessed I am recently? Extremely.

75 days to go!!!

Allie Comes Home! (Plus Michele's Birthing Story)

Literally running around my house this morning because I cannot get out fast enough! I am going to watch my youngest nephew, Jared, so that Jay can go pick up Michele and Allie from the hospital and bring them home! It still has not sunk in – it’s a girl. A little pink, delicate, feminine girl. We’ve never had one of those!

Michele, once again, made everything having to do with birth look so simple and easy. She started having contractions early evening on Monday and I got my hopes up – I was set to go to the hospital that night! She kept telling me they were irregular and not strong enough but that they were there. I slept with my cell and my home phone next to my head waiting for the call – it didn’t come. At 10 a.m. on Tuesday, Justin had an assembly for Veteran’s Day at his school to which he invited my father as “his” veteran. I decided to go. When we got there, I quickly saw Michele was having contractions on the school bleachers! They were about 15 minutes apart. After the assembly, she wanted to go out to eat! (Here’s where you’ll start to see our differences. I would have been on self-induced bedrest from the night before, the moment I felt the first contraction. She cooked dinner, went to a Scentsy party, attended an assembly and now wanted to go to the damned diner). At breakfast, her contractions continued coming and they were 9 minutes apart. She had a scheduled appointment with her OB (who also happens to be my OB) at 1:15. At about 1:45 I got the text from Jay, “It’s go time!” She was 4 cm dilated and he was sending them to St. Charles hospital (about 4 minutes away from his office). I flew there. We both got there a few minutes after 2.

They gave her the epidural fairly quickly (maybe around 4:30) and then they broke her water close to 5 pm. I was in the labor and delivery room with them up until that point. She then started becoming a bit uncomfortable and so I left, leaving just Jay and Michele. When Dr. Erhart broke her water at 5, she told him, “I’ll be ready in about 45 minutes.” He checked her at 5:45 and said she was about 8 cm dilated. At 5:55, Jay texted, “They are setting up!” and at 6:03, little Allie was born! She pushed for a max of eight minutes. Can you feel my jealousy? Is it jumping off the page? Because it’s there. I hope this is one of the very few things we have in common as twins: please, Lord, let me deliver babies just like my sister. By 6:15, I was back in the labor and delivery room but with one extra, little 6 lb 9 oz person :) I fell in love, again, at approximately 6:16 pm.

Now, I get to go welcome her into her home and love her up! (I cannot wait until it’s my turn! But for now, I will love every single delicious moment of my new niece!!!!)

76 days left!!!

I'm An Aunt....Again! To a Niece...for the first time!

I am beyond exhausted and, very unusually for me, I am writing this late at night – just after midnight as a matter of fact. I have very good reason: I became an aunt again today! But this time…to a little GIRL!!!!! I cannot begin to tell you, especially in my state of exhaustion, how blessed and over the moon I feel. My niece was born tonight at 6:03 pm after mommy started feeling contractions late last night. A GIRL! After three boys, they finally got their little girl. I couldn’t be happier for them – she is, of course, perfection. Absolute perfection.

I will fill you in with more details tomorrow when my eyes are fully opened and my head stops spinning. I am on thinking/feeling overload. This is what overwhelmed feels like. I have feelings and thoughts about today and about my own situation and I certainly will not do those thoughts any justice before at least seven hours of sleep. Please forgive me.

For now, I welcome to the world my already loved, adored, spoiled, delicious little Allie Giuliana.

78 days to go!!! (technically 77)

My Baby Shower!

What a weekend Baby and I had – it was my baby shower!!! I was completely surprised (shocked is as close as you can get to describe it) and overwhelmed! I was supposed to be watching my three nephews on Saturday so that my Michele and Jay could go to a family party. She texted me at noon and said she was running late (not unusual) and she’d bring them by closer to one. At 12:30 she called, in tears, and said, “Can you please come get me? My car won’t start at Home Goods and the boys are going nuts!” I left the house like a lunatic, rushing there, so stressed that she was going to cry and then go into labor! When I was about halfway there (dressed, mind you, in a not-so-nice sweater, jeans and boots) she texted me that she was walking – walking – to my aunt’s who lives close by (but not close enough). I freaked out even more and told her NOT to do that! I could picture her walking down Route 347 with the three boys, nine months pregnant – I was pissed! I swear to you, I almost got diarrhea on the way there, I was so stressed. Then she texted that she made it there safely and to meet them at the clubhouse where the boys were now having fun playing pool with our uncle. I pulled up like a crazy person (after calling my mother’s cell phone, her car phone, Jay’s house and cell phone and anyone else I could think of to yell at on repeat) only to look up and see close to fifty people that I know and love standing on the porch of the clubhouse. I thought, “Oh dear God, this is happening.” I then cried for a few minutes because I was so relieved my stupid sister didn’t walk down Route 347 with three kids and then because I was so overcome with emotions – surprise, appreciation, nervousness – you get the idea. Plus the hormones. Always blame the hormones.

My mom and two sisters created the most stunning, classy baby shower I could ever have asked for: Panera iced green tea (my fave!) in mason jars, yellow and green balloons, yellow flowers on every table next to cream-colored stuffed animals – it was beautiful and my description will do it no justice. The dessert table looked like a professional company had come in and created it – but my two sisters did it. (Gotta love Pinterest!) When they managed to do all of this, I don’t know, because I am always around! What a beautiful afternoon – I had friends there from my first teaching job and from law school and also, of course, every female representative from my huge, extended, loud, crazy family.

When I got home that night, after F and his parents left (they came back to my parents’ after the shower to help unload the gifts and eat leftovers), I couldn’t stop smiling. Looking around my living room, overflowing with gifts for Baby, I was the happiest girl in the world. I feel so blessed. I am surrounded with people that love and support me and, better yet, people that already love this baby. As my friend Amanda said the following day, “It looked like Babies R Us threw up!” And it did. It still does. I will spend some time today, with Michele and my mom’s help, going through everything and starting to organize it. I received everything I could possible need to get this baby off to a great start. How lucky am I? How grateful? I can’t tell you. The shower was so…me. My sisters and mom nailed it – when Michele handed me the green tea in the mason jar when I walked in, I swear my heart swelled. I thought, “this is PERFECT.”

My cup runneth over…

79 days to go!!! (We’re in the seventies!!!)

Inside Out Underwear and Adam

I did not purchase the watch. (Applause accepted). I need a bit more time to strategize about my holiday gift-giving and even if I do decide to buy for all siblings, then I shouldn’t spend as much as the watch was going to cost. So – for now – settled. Baby agrees – I asked, he/she kicked.

I just realized as I sat down to write this (because sitting down – well, really any switching of positions – takes a lot of physical adjustment these days) that my underwear are on inside out. I felt the tag and when I went to fix it, I discovered my error. I could have cried. I have on skinny jeans and boots. You women who have been pregnant can probably appreciate the effort that took me this morning and the thought of taking it all off so that I can right-side-out my underwear was enough to bring me to tears. So another command decision – I am not fixing it. Today, my underwear will be inside out and anyone who doesn’t like that can kiss my inside-out butt. (Now I have to pray all day that I don’t get into a car accident or go into early labor or have any other reason for medical personnel to have to cut my pants off. I’d die of embarrassment alone.)

So with some very trivial points out of the way, I am sitting here writing but, honestly, am a bit distracted today. I am waiting for my nephew, Adam, to arrive any minute. He’s five years old and has the BEST personality in the world. He was born with a cleft lip and palate. Talk about earth shattering news – my sister and brother-in-law were told at her 20-week sonogram that the baby had this cleft and it felt as if our world stopped spinning. I quickly became an expert on babies with clefts – I read everything there was to read about it online. When I ran out of online material, I bought books and read those. I joined online chat and support groups. This was very new to our family and we wanted to be prepared. When this little guy arrived I was in the delivery room. Michele asked me to go in with her and Jay and although I am the biggest baby you will ever (ever) meet, I could not say no because I knew she wanted me there to reassure her that he was adorable and would be loved by all. I was scared out of my damn mind. Then, he came out. I could have died – my little “Squishy” I started calling him. He was (and I am not just being biased) THE cutest newborn baby you ever did see. He was perfect and then he had this small little opening between his nostril and his mouth on one side of his nose. I remember staring at that hole – the cleft – and thinking, “this is what all the fuss has been about?!” He was running his tongue in and out of the cleft and I thought, immediately, that it was the cutest thing I have ever seen and that he, of course, was a genius. Not in the least bit subjective.

Fast forward five years and the little guy has undergone numerous surgeries, cosmetic and medical, to correct the cleft. If you saw him on a playground today, or even years ago, you’d never know. His doctors at NYU were the best (because of course that was part of the insane amount of research and preparing done by Michele and Jay) and this guy is such a fighter. A happy, loud, carefree, honest little boy. Today he is back at his dentist – Dr. Campizi, the best pediatric dentist in the area – getting a palate expander put in. It will connect to an outer piece of headwear that Adam will need to wear every minute of every day (except for when he’s at school) for the next 6-8 months. I don’t know how he’s going to take it. He’s old enough to not cooperate and to voice his dislike and discomfort but he’s also too young to really rationalize with if he doesn’t do well with it. My heart aches for him. I swear I would wear the damn thing twice as long if I could do it for him. He’s been through so much and he’s so positive and so happy…this is just another obstacle for him to overcome. He called me about an hour ago from the waiting room. “Hi Aunt Bissy – I’m here waiting!” I told him to be brave and he told me he is getting the “magic air” again (sweet air) and he actually sounded excited. I hope he does well. So, as I write this, I am staring out my front window waiting for them to get here so I can see him and hug him. I hope it goes well for so many reasons. Michele is due with her fourth baby in 16 days and if Adam gets upset, she might just break down and lose it (which happens much less frequently with her as it does with me). Fingers crossed my little Squishy takes this well.

If I love my nephews this much, how much am I going to love my own baby? Hard to fathom.

82 days to go!!!

Gas. Pains. (Enough said)

Gas pains. Was gas pains on my original list of Reasons to NOT Love Pregnancy? If not, add it. Holy good Lord, last night I was fine one minute: sitting down to eat dinner with my parents, Michele, Jay, and the boys and the next minute – shoot me. I had such pains. I had to get up from the table and walk around rubbing my back and as much of my belly as I could without feeling like I was suffocating poor Baby. I gave in and took two Gas-x about 20 minutes later and ahhhhh (angels singing), they helped within fifteen minutes. I wasn’t even able to enjoy the chocolate on chocolate cupcakes I had baked for dessert after dreaming of them all day. Sigh. They’ll just have to be breakfast today :) That was probably the third or fourth time that has happened in my pregnancy. Cross everything that it was the last. I blamed it on the sugary drink I had to have for the glucose test. My mother blamed it on Jay who got into a heated discussion with me before dinner about politics. He did get me extremely agitated but that’s only because he knows how to push my buttons so well. He was saying ignorant things like, “What has he done for us in the past four years?!” Ugh. I screwed up the brownies I was making at the time because he had me so worked up (yes, I apparently had a sweet tooth yesterday). He’s just jealous because I have a crush on Obama.

Today is a new day. I actually had some pre-pregnancy sleep last night (ahhhhhh – more angels singing). I try to soak that up and store it somehow because I know, in less than three months, I will never sleep this way again. Ever. So I woke up as refreshed as one can be when you are growing something inside of you for close to 200 days. But now I am back to stressing already. Here’s my dilemma: Christmas. More specifically, Christmas shopping. I am a spender. I have been since the moment I started making my own money. There is nothing I love more than to buy gifts for others – it truly makes me happy. So Christmas, for me, is usually an extremely fun time of year. Typically, I am done Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving and already have everything delivered to my apartment (now, house) by then. I almost never go to an actual store, but do all of my shopping online. This year, I have not purchased one thing as of today. Actually, I  am lying. I ordered a package of books from Groupon for Jared (youngest of my nephews, at least for another week or so until Michele pops). But besides that – nothing. Nada.

My siblings and I began a new tradition a few years back wherein we choose a night and we go out to celebrate Christmas together – no parents, no friends, just us (significant others are included). This was supposed to be in place of gifts. Not all of my siblings can afford to shop for four other siblings (and significant others) so we thought this would be a fun way to recognize the holiday together. Every year, however, I break the rules and buy for everyone anyway. But that’s mostly because I have been in a position where I was able to do that: I have been single, have had a good job, and have no responsibilities besides myself in life. My other siblings don’t make as much money or they have grown-up things like mortgages and babies to worry about. So you can maybe see where my dilemma comes in this year….I am now (gulp) a grown up! With grown-up responsibilities! I have a mortgage. I need a roof on my house. I am pregnant. I am going to be a single mom. So maybe it’s not responsible for me to go out and spend the hundreds upon hundreds (maybe thousands) of dollars that I typically spend on Christmas. But that makes me sad. :(

Today on Groupon, there is an awesome (almost un-ignorable) deal on a man’s watch that I love. My brother Matthew is obsessed with watches – he has many (many from me). I looked at all their selections, researched the watch, added it to my cart and then right before I clicked “BUY”…the crisis of conscious. If I buy this gift for him, then I need to buy for everyone else. Should I do that this year? Part of me says no – to stick with our “sibling tradition’ for once and save the money. The other part of me convinces myself that using Groupon is so responsible! It saves money – it has great deals! I don’t know what to do. The watch is sitting in my cart, on an open tab in Google Chrome, as I type this. To buy or not to buy…. Help!

83 days to go!!!

Third Trimester AND Obama Victory!

Oh happy day!! Are you ready for all of this fantastic news?? (1) Today begins my third trimester. Finally!!! (2) I only gained (drum roll please….) 1.8 pounds since my last appointment. I patted myself on the back. (And I had on a lot of jewelry that probably tipped the scales) ;) (3) The baby’s heart rate was “high 160s” and I choose to believe the old wives’ tale that a high heart rate signifies…my GIRL! (4) I completed my glucose screening without throwing up or passing out – both victories for me. I am a baby. (Fine. For full disclosure purposes, I will also tell you my mom was there to hold my hand during the blood draw. Literally. But still – I made it.) (5) And speaking of victories… the President I have a crush on is still President. Besides the God-awful Nor’easter happening outside, this is close to the perfect day! (And before you roll your eyes at me, there are many more intellectual and critical reasons I support our President than my having a crush on him, but that trumps all of them right now. Especially since I am sleep-deprived after waiting up to hear him speak last night.)

Yesterday was my mother’s birthday and so we had dinner altogether at Michele (the twin I am jealous of because she’s likely giving birth within a week or so) and Jay’s house. I stopped and picked up the family’s favorite “chocolate sprinkle cake” from Tilda’s in Rocky Point. Baby and I could have eaten the whole cake ourselves but I had to share. I wasn’t feeling well last night (ugh – pregnancy-related stomach issues. Again.) so I made an early escape, went home, put on sweats and my heating pad (my lower back has been killing me) and switched from election results to my DVR’d shows. Baby was extremely active last night and it was actually quite nice. I could enjoy it on the couch. I explained the voting process to my belly (yes, I am a dork) and relished in the few hours I was actually enjoying my pregnancy. It does happen occasionally.

And speaking of enjoyment…I purchased for myself a pregnancy massage this morning from Amazon Local. It was a deal I couldn’t turn down – a one-hour pregnancy massage for $29 at Exhale Medical Massage at Stonybrook! I have never been but my back pain convinced me to try it out. I will be sure to let you all know when I make my appointment – don’t be too jealous. It’s my congratulatory gift to myself for making it to the third trimester – I think I deserve it!

84 days to go!!!

First Permanent Thing (Gulp!)

I don’t know if I’m ready… today I find out how much weight I have gained since my last OB appointment (cringe). I have been thin all my life (well, except with the “freshman 15” I put on my first two semesters at BU – those Raman noodles were cheap and easy to make, in my defense). My weight has probably fluctuated about three pounds since I am 19 years old. That is, until my last OB appointment. My starting weight at the doctor had been 108. I first gained just under 3 pounds and it was suggested I put on more before the next visit. I then added around five pounds. The total of eight didn’t bother me – it actually made me feel proud, as if I was doing what I was supposed to. But then….the last appointment happened.

I stepped on the scale* (a different one than they had used for every previous appointment, in case that comes into play) and the nurse kept sliding that metal bar over further and further to the right. One hundred and twenty-six pounds. I stared at it. She walked away to write it on my chart. I mumbled, “Um, excuse me – how much did I gain since my last appointment four weeks ago?” “Ten pounds.” Gulp. “That’s a lot. Right? That’s a lot?” “Yes. That’s a lot.” Then she walked out of the room. I was still standing on the scale. The doctor alleged that this was fine, totally normal. But he then explained that I could cut back on salt and fruit juices, etc… So clearly he agreed this was a lot. (Right??) That was 19 days ago and I go back tonight. I am scared. I have been eating a lot of ice cream. And hot chocolate. With sea salt.

It’s not that I don’t intellectually and rationally understand that I need to gain weight in order to have a baby. I guess it’s more the fear of what will happen afterwards. If I was assured that it would all come off and I would go back to looking and feeling the way I did pre-pregnancy, then I truly wouldn’t care if I were a beached whale until I delivered. But I don’t know and I cannot be assured that it won’t stick! Plus, walking by a full-length mirror naked right now jars me every single time. I have a little booty! I have never had a booty. My mother said it’s to balance out my belly and boobs – I laughed but I suppose she is correct.

My brother-in-law said something to me last night that I blew off because my brain was too tired to properly analyze it, but it’s stuck with me. He said he was thinking about me and the baby and he realized that this is the first permanent thing I will ever really do in my life. Besides purchasing my house seven months ago, he’s correct. I have always been able to (and have taken advantage of the fact that I am able to) change my mind – in careers, relationships, homes, etc… I have never allowed myself to become pinned down anywhere or with anyone. Even the puppy I got when I lived and worked in Manhattan wasn’t permanent. I intended it to be, of course, but worked such long hours at the law firm that she was alone all the time and I felt guilty so my aunt took her. I didn't even stick with the puppy.

Once this baby comes, there is no turning back. There is no more picking up and moving. There is no trading the baby in for a new baby. And my aunt certainly won’t take the baby from me, as she took my puppy, if it becomes too much (I asked her, just in case) ;) I got slightly scared thinking of this, but then I felt my resolve. I literally felt it – my back gets straighter and I find myself thinking, “Yes. This baby IS the first and most permanent thing in my life. And it’s perfect. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Baby and I are going to be just fine.” (Right?) Baby and I are now off to vote for our President…

85 days to go!!!

Birthing Class

This morning in the shower I started to wonder how my mornings will change in just a few short months. Likely no more lingering in bed to check Facebook and BabyBump and cnn.com on my iPhone before making the bed, ironing clothes, checking email and then taking a long, hot shower. I probably won’t be able to make a nice tea or hot chocolate before I get settled down at my laptop for the next seven to ten hours. I doubt my lotioning/make-up/jewelry/hair routine will hold up. All of which is fine with me but the unknown does frighten me a bit.

I will have to continue working after the baby is here, of course, and yes, I am incredibly lucky that it will be from home and that I can mostly do it on my own time. However, my bank account is used to me finding anywhere from 50 – 60 hours a week to work and I am afraid they are going to disappear! I haven’t yet had an explicit “what’s going to happen with work” conversation with my boss – I suppose that should be done rather soon. I need to prepare a good, lawyerly argument for whatever it is I will be asking for. (Problem is, those don’t work so well when you are dealing with other lawyers…)

On another note, F and I went to a birthing class this Saturday! To let you know what a chicken I am, I really wanted to back out on Friday night. Like, really. I was so anxious about it. Reason? I am not the typical person. And I’m slightly crazy. I admit this. The typical person likes to know everything about what they are getting into, especially medically. I, on the other hand, would rather be kept in the dark. I usually tell the doctor, “please don’t explain – just do what you need to do and get out.” Mind you, I have been in the labor and delivery room with my sister twice. I have watched her push out two children. I have three younger siblings and innumerable younger cousins. I have grown up holding, changing, feeding babies. I intellectually knew that there was probably nothing that was going to be taught at the class that I didn’t already know or haven’t already seen with my own eyes. But I was still stressed about going. I did not want to hear something that I wouldn’t ever be able to UN-hear. (I also have this thing with feeling ‘trapped’ somewhere. But that’s a whole separate entry one day. And yes, I realize for those of you analyzing me, that this may be related to my relationship issues with F. Yes. I know. Back off. ) The only reason I didn’t back out was because of F – I knew he wanted to go because, as far as child-exposure, he is the complete opposite of me: has never held a newborn or changed a diaper, etc…

It actually was a good class. The instructor was terrific – lots of humor, moved things right along – right up my alley (Carolyn Bittner, a L&D nurse at St. Charles Hospital). The breathing techniques were probably the only really new thing for me and I think they will be beneficial. At least for the first two contractions. I can say I tried. But I think everything was very eye-opening for F. When we were practicing breathing, the men were to be timing us and coaching us, we were to be breathing. So we begin and I feel him breathing on the top of my hair (he towers over me). I whisper, “I am supposed to be breathing. Not you.” He says, “I’m helping you.” I thought, "Oh dear God, no you are not helping me. You are breathing on my hair.” And I wasn’t even in pain. God help him. When we were practicing the ever-famous “hee-hee-hee-who” breaths, F was breathing in with every “hee” instead of out. I cannot tell you how this drove me nuts. I was afraid he was going to hyperventilate right there. I mean, who doesn’t know that a “hee” is a breath out?! For the rest of the class, I couldn’t get the picture of him doing that out of my mind and it was making my skin crawl. You know when something small like that drives you crazy? (Please say yes).

Other than that (and him raising his hand to ask about when he can bring me the champagne I have demanded – who asks that?!! I kicked him) it was a good experience.

Now the mean part: I felt so much better about myself when I left there! Honestly. There were 5 other women in the group. Four of them have let themselves go to hell (assuming they were semi-presentable before pregnancy). I mean pink-sweatpants-red-shirt, dirty flip-flops, no-brushes-used, put-on-sixty-pounds hell. I couldn’t believe it. They looked like they fell into the hamper that morning and whatever stuck, stuck. The one other girl looked normal, thankfully. But one of the gone-to-hell girls is due in twenty-somewhat days and she only found out she was pregnant 7 weeks ago! HOW in God’s name does that happen? She was 6 months along, allegedly, before she knew she was having a baby. You can’t make this stuff up. She was traveling in Hawaii, she said, as if that explained it. When I walked out of the class, I thought, “you’re not doing too bad, Elizabeth.” Then, yesterday, the 17 year old at my butcher hit on me as usual. I could have hugged him. I am almost 7 months pregnant, was wind-blown as all hell, and he still hit on me. I don’t care that he’s 17. That made my damn day.

86 days to go!!!

Will My Baby Put Out an Electrical Cord?

This hurricane has truly put things in perspective. Some things I see make me incredibly proud to be adding a child to this world – people putting out messages to come for warmth and lights; electrical cords with signs saying “use our power to recharge your phones.” These acts give me faith. Then I see some other things that make me hang my head – people fighting at gas stations over gasoline or their place in line; others attacking electric companies, police, and anyone else they can think of to blame for something that should be blameless. I want to raise the child who puts out the electrical cord and opens his/her doors to anyone in need. How do I ensure I do that?

Last night I had a dream that I was a terrible mother. The baby was a newborn and we kept having to walk places (with Barack Obama at some point, mind you). However, I kept forgetting to pack and bring a diaper bag. I had no food, no bottles, no diapers with me. I would cry and tell my mom I had to go back home because I forgot. I was so ashamed. This seemed to happen on repeat. This dream is the first sign of anxiety about becoming a mother. I have been so focused on the pregnancy and so scared of the delivery that becoming a “mom” hasn’t, for one day-lit second, stressed me. What if I can’t handle it? What if I blow the most important job I will ever have? What if I’m not as equipped and prepared as I have been thinking I am? I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t want my child to be perfect. But I certainly want to raise a child who would put out the electrical cord.

Thank goodness, there are still…

89 days to go!!!

Made it 'Til November

November!! I never thought I would reach this month…three more solid months to go. That sounds like a year to me…maybe this is why I woke up with my head spinning. First of all, I remember feeling ‘pretty’ in my dream last night – ahh, what an unfamiliar feeling! I think it was because I wasn’t pregnant. I was trying on outfits and they all looked so cute! Ugh – maybe one day…

F came over last night to use the shower and soak up some electricity. The house he rents (with three friends) has not yet been restored – neither has his parents’. I told him he was more than welcome to come and he took me up on it. It was good to see him, but as always, it got my head spinning. I think – well I pretty much know – the problem lies with me. I have such high expectations for people. For F. I want so much and when they don’t live up to that, I am disappointed. I’m disappointed that the first time he came over, before or after the storm of the century, was to shower. Not to make sure my house was secure or to bring in gallons of water or to check on me…things like that. Those actions would speak volumes to me. He says he wants a lot of things – he says he wants to get married, live together, have a family. But his actions have not changed. And yes, I know I stopped all of that. I know I said I wasn’t ready and didn’t want it – but if he still does, you would think he would show it. I want to feel that I would be taken care of and I do not feel that way. I feel I would have to shoulder a lot of the worrying, a lot of the responsibility. And I am willing to do that, but I want to feel like I don’t have to do that. Does that make sense? Example: my aunt ordered a glider for me for the baby’s nursery. It’s sitting in my living room in a huge box. He never mentioned it – never said, “oh the glider came?” or “do you want me to put that together?”. I just wish he had. So I go back into my defensive stance of I-will-take-care-of-it-myself (which, unfortunately, at this time, usually means I find someone else to do it for me). But I will have my dad put together the glider. I called my friend and asked him to send landscaping guys to clean my yard. I will do it. I don’t need him. It would just be nice if I could depend on him.

A lot of thoughts, I know. And to top it off, I woke up – again – wondering if I should ask the baby’s gender at my OB appointment on Tuesday. If it’s a girl, I wouldn’t feel the surprise was ruined. I would be thrilled. If it’s a boy – I don’t know if it’s better for me to know now and deal with it or just wait til it’s in the moment and I may be just fine with it. I truly don’t know. If I decided to ask, that means they would have to have the gender in my chart, which I am not sure they do. And then I would have to keep it to myself for the next 85 days. I’m still tossing this one around. [My mom told me not to find out. She thinks it will leave me time for disappointment whereas, if I wait until “the” moment, there will be no room for disappointment and I will love my child fully and with zero upset. I might have to trust her on this one. I hope she’s right! Thoughts???]

90 days to go!!!

In Utero Halloween

So Baby and I survived his/her first hurricane together! I wish I could say “gracefully” but that might be a lie, or at least a slight stretching of the truth. When the power goes out, I partially lose my mind. I don’t know what it is – I get anxious immediately, I feel depressed and I just want to crawl out of my skin. Thankfully, Gram-Gram and Button (my parents next door) have a generator and their entire first floor was flooded with light, and even television, for the first night. Refuge! I slept there and survived. As of last night, around 6 pm, all of our power (and cable! and internet!) has been restored. I have been thanking the Storm Gods (and LIPA our electric company, of course)! Seriously, we are very lucky and I am extremely grateful – thousands of people have been left with much larger, more serious problems, and my thoughts are with them.

And…today marks Baby’s first in-utero Halloween and 27 weeks. I’m going as a sane pregnant lady, which is different for me. I am going to try to be calm and rational today for the first time in awhile. We’ll see if I can pull that off ;) No promises.

Got another baby-related bill in the mail today – a $375 deductible for a level 2 sonogram. I needed to have that full anatomy scan done because my twin sister’s second son, Adam – my godson, was born with a cleft lip and palate. Because it might be genetic, they wanted to screen my baby for which I was grateful. Good news, no cleft! Bad news, $375 deductible. I’m almost up to my $1000 limit – I will hit that around December 31^st, with my luck, just in time for it to re-set for my delivery! I have already explained to F that it is going to cost me $1000 to deliver at the hospital and he said he would “split it with me” but I haven’t yet asked him for any other money. It’s sort of awkward, right? A conversation I never dreamed of having as a little girl: “So, I have spent a lot of money on the baby even though I haven’t had it yet. Deductibles, co-pays, vitamins, etc…Do you think you can contribute?” See? There is no good way of saying that. I can’t be upset with him if I don’t tell him – I think he honestly doesn’t realize how much this pregnancy has affected my life and my bank account already! Between getting the house ready, buying different clothes and food for me, medical costs, etc… it really has made an impact. But it’s just not an easy conversation to bring up, especially when we have been seeing each other about once a week. At the most. So…maybe next week. Maybe the third trimester will come with some courage. As for today, back to work and then some trick-or-treating with my nephews: two ninjas and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (yes, they are back!).

91 days to go!!!